Saturday, December 30, 2006

Fiery the angels fell. Deep thunder rode around their shores... burning with the fires of Orc.

Sometimes, I see a commercial for a movie, or a trailer, or a newspaper ad, or a little banner on a website. This ad, it speaks to me. It speaks to me in a way that only a few people can speak to me. It speaks to me at a very basic level that shakes me to my core and screams "YOU MUST SEE THIS MOVIE!" As a result, I tend to keep the volume low on my television. Shaken Core Syndrome, or SCS, is likely one of the most pressing issues we face in America today.

The upcoming remake of The Hitcher, however, is NOT such a movie. However, it does contain something that will peak my interest more often than not. 2 magic words that will take me from my normal "That looks like a stupid fucking pile of shit" attitude towards a movie, to a kinder, more understanding "That looks like a stupid fucking pile of shit that I want to see" attitude towards a movie. Those 2 words are "Sean Bean."

Who else would walk in the footsteps left by Rutger Hauer? Who, besides Boromir? Who else, besides Alec Trevelyan? Who could play John Ryder if not Odysseus himself? That's the question I pose to you!

Well, I guess anyone really. I mean, you know, it's just Rutger Hauer. He's not all that. He was only Roy Batty. Pff! Only! Only?!

I have no idea where I'm going with this. Here's a trailer.

Thursday, December 28, 2006

I was right. I hate being right.

As a follow-up to yesterday's post, I have this...

From Neil Gaiman's blog:

And the reason I'm trying to post is that when I did Internet Cafe my way online yesterday I discovered pretty much all of my FAQ messages were people asking whether I was really going to be writing the Silent Hill sequel with Roger Avary. I'm afraid that I don't think I am -- I mean, it's the first thing I've ever heard of it, and I'm sure that if they make a sequel Roger would want to write it himself. I am writing Black Hole with Roger (we're one draft in right now), and we already wrote next year's Beowulf. If I get home to find an invitation to write Silent Hill 2 with Roger is waiting for me I'll let you all know, but for right now I think it's a discredited internet rumour.

So, it looks as though it was all just high hopes. Hopes that have now been crushed like a spider beneath the size 11 Nike of reality. It's too bad, I would have loved to see what Gaiman could bring to a world like Silent Hill.

Marlee Matlin is in this episode of SVU

To be honest, I'm like anyone else, some days, I just want to sit back and watch Law & Order. I especially like SVU and Criminal Intent. And you know what, I'm glad I did tonight. I got to see a commercial for the new Pang Brothers movie, The Messengers. Have you seen the trailer yet? No? Okay, here, check this out...

I have to say, it looks pretty sweet*. I may actually go check this out in the theater.

*I may be slightly biased by the fact that I've liked some of the Pang Brothers' movies in the past.

Wednesday, December 27, 2006

I'm leaning towards "Fanboy Wet Dream"...

I'm going to create a new game. It's a categorizing game. You know, the kind where you look at something or read something and decide if it's one thing, or another thing. The name of this game is "Fact, or Fanboy Wet Dream".

Here's today's scenario:

Gaming blog posted an article about Silent Hill 2. According to an interview with director Christophe Gans, the sequel will be written by Roger Avary and Neil Gaiman.

Avary wrote the first Silent Hill movie, which was directed by Gans. The addition and potential wildcard here is Neil Gaiman.

Let me tell you a bit about how I feel about this. If Gaiman had written Titanic, I would have seen it 30 times. I have 3 Sandman tattoos. I own, at the very least, all of his novels in hardcover (a few in paperback/other forms as well). I bought a second copy of MirrorMask...just to buy a second copy. So, if Gaiman is involved with the sequel, that would be fantastic news.

Which is what leads me to believe that it won't be the case. We'll find out though, I'm sure that if it's true, Gaiman will mention it in his blog when he returns...

Tuesday, December 26, 2006

Welcome back, to that same old place that you laughed about.

I guess the reality is that I just can't stay away. I wish I had the time to update this more regularly, but right now, I just don't. So, my Christmas gift to my 3 regular readers (not to mention my New Years Resolution) is to at least pop in and work my blogging magic infrequently. I think I can handle that.

So, tis the season for year in review type lists, right? Of course. Everyone loves them. So, I thought I'd do one myself. Now, I'm not going to do a Best of 06 for you (unless I change my mind), because, lets be honest, many many many bloggers will. And besides, when I think of the movies I watched this year, I realize that it would be a pretty short fucking list (and a list consisting of V for Vendetta and A Scanner Darkly isn't much of a list).

Instead, I thought, maybe I could make a list of the worst movies I saw this year. I'm not going to rank them though, because lets be honest, shit smells like shit, there's no two ways about it. What I will do though it select one movie from that list and award my brand new annual award, The Turd-y.

Without further ado, here are your nominees for Shittiest Movie of 2006:

Earth Vs The Spider
: You were so awe inspiring that I changed the channel to watch an episode I'd seen 30 times.

Cyber Wars: If you'd been coherent, you really coulda been great. No, I'm kidding, you had way more problems than that.

X3: I didn't have the highest of hopes to start with, the initial reviews weren't very good. Everyone said it was pretty bad, and for one, a movie lived up to it's hype...

: The original was ok. I like Kristen Bell. Holy hell was this a waste of money though.

The Omen: I didn't like the original either.

: Regular violet wasn't enough, this was ULTRAviolet. Ultra Crap. (me-Did I REALLY just make a joke that bad? Holy shit, that joke was almost as bad as the movie!)

Zombie Honeymoon: Somehow managed to forget to put zombies in the fucking movie.

Izo: Wow...that's a sword...coming out of your vagina...

And the one that started it all, the first review I ever did for $7 Popcorn...King Kong: Bad but disqualified to to the fact that I actually saw it in 2005.

Those are your 9 nominees. And now, you winner is...

Who the hell sealed this envelope? Did you use packing tape? Holy christ man, what's wrong with you.

Ok, the winner of 2006's Turd-y for worst movie of the year goes to....UltraViolet!!!!!!!! With it's incoherent story, bad acting and terrible effects, it really just was the bits of corn in the turd that was 2006's movies.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

The reality is that its December and I'm copying this over from (my other site) because I'd like it to be here as well

Slither, I think I love you. Not in a weird sort of ‘I want to penetrate the hole in the DVD’ kind of way, but in a ‘You were everything I could have hoped for in a movie’ kind of way. It’s more of a platonic thing.

But, really, you were all that I hoped you’d be, and that happens so rarely. Shaun of the Dead was one of those movies. V for Vendetta was another. And, those are the only two that come to mind. So, Slither makes it 3 movies that failed to disappoint me in some way.

What is there to dislike in this movie. You have Mallrats’ Michael Rooker. You have zombie type creatures (I like calling them Grant Zombies. They’re sort of like the Borg, only with fewer gadgets). There are all sorts of slimy slugs and then, to top it all off, the best use of an Air Supply song in nearly 30 years.

I’m kidding, there’s never been a good use of an Air Supply song. EVER.

Everything starts off innocently enough with meteor crashing into the woods…which NO ONE NOTICES. So, it comes as quite a surprise when Mallrats’ Michael Rooker stumbles upon it one night. This is how is all begins. The meteor contains an alien life form that injects itself into Rooker’s character, Grant. Grant then begins to charge, one of the first signs is a quest for meat.

The first half of the movie can be accused of moving too slowly at times, but the payoff in the second half is worth the wait. Once the slugs are released and start inhabiting people everything just starts moving along almost nonstop.

Now, I know with talks of Grant Zombies and Brain Slugs, it sounds like some cheesy movie from the fifties, the only thing missing is the 3-D Glasses and a couple teens talking about what a keen night out it was as the give their class ring to their best girl. And in a way, that is all that’s missing.

Slither is essentially a horror comedy. And it does it well. There’s a trick to doing a good horror comedy. The trick is being funny without making fun of the horror. It’s too easy to make a joke out of the things that go bump in the night, and once you do, your creature is a big joke, and you can’t scare anyone with a joke. A good horror comedy though will never make fun of the creature, the humor comes from the rest of the world, but the horror is (and forgive the pun) dead serious.

Slither gets 9 squirming slugs out of 10.

Thursday, October 26, 2006


I've been working on this now for...a few months shy of a year now, and while it's been fun, I have to admit that I haven't always been able to focus on it. What does this mean to you? Probably not much.

Where we stand right now is here, I think I'm going to leave this at it is now, this being my last post and updates to the layout. However, I'm not quitting altogether, see there's a new project. It's called Yes, it's quite the lofty title. It's more general than what I was doing here. I'm sure I'll still talk about movies (even though I don't think I have yet).

Regardless, I do hope you'll join me there. In the meantime, I leave you with this. The trailer for the remake of Day of the Dead. Enjoy!

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

Happy happy mutants

Hello, my name is dreamrot. Yes, with a lowercase d. No, my parents didn't hate me. No, it's not my real name. Do I care if you know my real name? No, but what is life without a little mystery?

Let's start over.

Hello, I'm dreamrot, and I'm what some people might refer to as "a collector".

What the fuck does that mean?

I'm glad you asked. See, I collect things. Generally this means I went the best possible version of anything so that my collection is "complete". Now, I'm not like some others (I only have 2 different versions of Star Wars (okay maybe 3)), but I have bought movies like The 5th Element and The Grudge multiple times just because there's a few extra scenes or a new commentary on it. That's just the kind of guy I am. Thats "how I roll", as the kids would say. Or, that's what I assume they would say. I deal mostly with hypothetical "kids" as I'm just that in tune with youth culture.

I tell you this to be able to tell you this, I went to Best Buy yesterday.

That's it! Thanks for coming!

I went to Best Buy to get myself a copy of Xmen 3. You may have heard of it. There's been a commercial or two.

There were 2 versions released. The standard edition and the Special Edition. Notice the capital's a proper noun, it's that special. So, what makes it so special? Lets make a chart.

Special Edition/ Standard Edition
10 Deleted Scenes w/commentary /10 Deleted Scenes w/commentary
3 alternate endings w/commentary /3 alternate endings w/commentary
2 feature length commentaries /2 feature length commentaries
Trailers /Trailers
Special Edition Packaging
Mini-comic written by Stan Lee

So, the big difference is the little mini-comic and the packaging...oh yeah, and TEN FUCKING DOLLARS.

Ten bucks for a little book and a kinda nifty box. All this for a movie that wasn't that fucking good to begin with.

Needless to say, I went with the plain old widescreen edition (gotta be widescreen). And having seen the alternate endings and the deleted scenes, the movie is still pretty much shit. So, fuck it. At least I only wasted $15 on a movie I didn't care about instead of $25.

Monday, October 02, 2006

Go go Godzilla

I don't care what happens in my life, or what happens when I grow up, all I know it that I hope I never get to a point in my life where I don't enjoy watching people in rubber monster costumes destroy cities and fight each other.

So, I was watching Godzilla: Final Wars again over the weekend. Oh, and Godzilla: Tokyo SOS.

Final Wars is really a pretty fun movie. My biggest complaint about it is that there wasn't actually enough Godzilla. There was too much ancillary Xmen bullshit going on to take away from the giant monster apocolypse that should have been the focus of the movie. I mean, this, according to Toho, is Godzilla's swan song. This is it. After 50+ years he's finally getting the gold watch and a shove out the door leaving a legacy of carnage and destruction that will keep Japanese contractors in business for years.

And it's a shame. I mean, here is an employee who, for half a century, embodied the Toho work ethic. His attendance was perfect, he came to the office early every morning and worked late every evening. But, such is the lonely life of the salary man...err monster.

Regardless, Toho did manage to throw one hell of a retirement party for the big guy, and nearly all of his friends showed up. Mothra, Ceaser, Ghidorah, Rodan, Gigan, hell, even his American cousin made an appearance (even if he does get called a "tuna eating monster", poor kid). The only one missing was Mechagodzilla, but, it's understandable since they sunk him at the bottom of the ocean in the last movie, so, he was occupied. I think the big guy understood though.

Hopefully he's spending his time wisely, enjoying his time, maybe finally getting to spend some time with his son. Taking him to T-ball on Monster Island. Maybe getting in a few rounds of golf. Just, living the so-called "good life", you know? Because, as the ruling King of Monsters for 50 years, Godzilla deserves some time for himself now.

Friday, September 29, 2006

You tell me.

I know that I've kind of been piling on Dead or Alive, which is admittedly, a little unfair. The movies not out, and I haven't seen anything beyond a few still and a trailer (a very bad trailer).

From the website:

"The story, a cross between Charlie's Angels and Enter The Dragon, revolves around four beautiful women who begin as rivals in a secret invitational-only martial arts contest, but find themselves teaming up with one another against a sinister force. Joining Tina, Christie, Kasumi and Helena at the lush jungle location are Zack, Bayman, and Leon.

Others come to the island for their own ulterior motives. Bass, a world-champion wrestler, arrives to convince his daughter Tina not to put her life in danger. Then there's Christie's former partner-in-crime Max, who masquerades as a Brazilian kick-boxer but has his eye is on an even bigger prize than the $10 million purse.

On the other hand, Princess Kasumi is surrounded by her own entourage of characters: her bodyguard and friend Hayabusa, her half-sister and would-be assassin Ayane, and her brother Hayate, who disappeared during the previous Dead or Alive tournament.

Who will win the Dead or Alive tournament? Will Princess Kasumi survive long enough to find out whether her brother Hayate is still alive? How will Helena's learning the truth of the unseemly death of her father, the founder of the Dead or Alive tournament, affect her loyalties? Can the former allies-turned-sworn- enemies Christie and Max reunite to pull off the biggest heist of their careers? And exactly what does Donovan have up his sleeves?

Intrigue and mystery, beauty and brawn, exotic scenery and extraordinary sets - this plus awesome state-of-the-art martial arts and wire fighting - all await in Dead Or Alive !"

And, now some pictures...

I guess they're fighting on a boat. Jamie Pressley's boobs look weird though...actually, everything about her looks weird in this picture.

A pillowfight gone wrong? Or are they fighting with poultry?

Well, shit, I'm glad they included the Extreme Beach Volleyball part of the video game series.

Look, all I'm saying is that the only thing that could make this less appealing is if it was directed by Uwe Boll.

How bad is this movie going to be?
It's going to be bad.
It's going to make Snakes on a Plane look good.
I't going to be so bad it makes Showgirls look like like an ocsar nominee
It's going to be so bad you'll wish you were watching a Gigli/Glitter double feature
It's go to be so bad that it makes it becomes the shortest ever entry in Quick Reviews of Bad Movies

Friday, September 22, 2006

Many nights I've put a blade to your throat while you were sleeping

Poor Lou Diamond Philips...

From MSN:

Prosecutors charged actor Lou Diamond Phillips on Thursday with domestic battery in connection with an incident last month involving his live-in girlfriend.

Me: Maybe I should have read the article before I picked a title for this post...oops

Phillips, best known for his roles in "La Bamba" and "Stand and Deliver," could face a maximum of one year in jail and a $2,000 fine if convicted of the misdemeanor charge. His arraignment was scheduled for Oct. 18.

Me: Best know for? Fuck you. He was Chavez in Young fuckin Guns man. THAT'S what he's best known for. Jesus, you play Richie Valens once and suddenly your branded for life. This didn't happen to Kurt Russell when he played Elvis, or Dennis Quaid when he played Jerry Lee Lewis... but poor Lou is fucked.

According to police reports, the 44-year-old actor got into an argument with his girlfriend, and it escalated into a physical fight in the early hours of Aug. 11. His girlfriend, who was not identified in court documents, "was pushed and dragged across the house resulting in scrapes to both knees," City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo said in a statement.

Me: Poor lady. I guess that's what you get though when you're dating someone best known for playing a dead 50's pop star. Or maybe he's just pissed that he can't get any good roles anymore. Too many movies like The First Power.

The woman grabbed a phone, locked herself in a bathroom and dialed 9-1-1, Delgadillo said. Phillips was arrested and held for about 10 hours before being released.

Me: Ugh. I hate people who make phone calls while they're in the's just so dirty. Ick.

A message left for Phillips' publicist, Eddie Michaels, was not immediately returned. It was not immediately known whether Phillips had retained a lawyer.

Me: Or if he could afford one...

In recent years, Phillips has made a number of guest appearances on TV, including "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" and "24."

Me: Really? That's the best he can do? Guest appearances? Poor bastard. No wonder he was angry...

Monday, September 18, 2006

Quick Reviews of Bad Movies Part Deux

Over the weekend, I was over at my friend's house. We had a couple of 40s (cuz that's just how we roll...) and sat down to watch Immortal. That ended, so we left SciFi on and started watching Earth vs The Spider.

I hate to ruin the ending for you, but I think it went something like this:

Hey, I think if you turn it to 47, Futurama is on.

For the record, Amelia Heinle, totally a poor man's Denise Richards...

Friday, September 15, 2006

The Way Things Should Have Been...But Weren't

To be perfectly honest, if Lucas had made these changes, I probably would have been cool with it...

Thursday, September 07, 2006

A cinematic masterpiece.

Because, you loved the Mortal Kombat movies, but you just thought it needed more chicks...

this one's for you...

Thursday, August 24, 2006

MSN DVD Guide Part 2

Some days, I love MSN Movies. I mean, it's just nice to be able to talk about something, and it doesn't hurt that I don't respect their opinions.

Today it's "Cold Blooded Killers" aka Reptiles. I guess it has something to do with the Sam Jackson masterpiece that's sweeping the nation... You know, the movie that BARELY squeked out a win last weekend at the box office. The on that BARELY beat a movie that was been out for 3 weeks. The one that barely beat out a movie that they don't even show commercials for anymore. Yeah, the one that was supposed to be HUGE because of the buzz on the interweb. I never understood the hype.

Regardless, MSN did a list of their top ten giant lizards/reptiles/monsters/whatever...

10. "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (1981) and sequels
I guess this world also double as a prequel, call it Snakes in a Temple. Or, here we go, Indiana Jones 4: Snakes in a Retirement Home. Ha! I'm funny.

9. "Gamera: The Guardian of the Universe" (1995)
I loved this movie. Check it out, it's a lot of fun.

8. "Lake Placid" (1999)
Really...not that good. Despite Bill Pullman and Oliver Platt.

7. "Alligator" (1980)
I guess it's hard to make fun of a movie I've never heard of. I'm, uh, sure that it's a classic.

6. "Anaconda" (1997)
Jennifer Lopez's screen test for Gigli.

5. "Tremors" (1990)
Giant, man eating worms feel vibrations in the ground, but can't move rocks. Some how, this end up on AMC a bit too often.

4. "The Lost World" (1925)
Not to be confused with the Jurassic Park sequel.

3. "King Kong" (1933/2005)
Fuck you and the skyscraper you rode in on.

2. "The Creature From the Black Lagoon" (1954)
Part Aquaman, part Swamp Thing,

1. "Godzilla" (1954)
Well, of course he's number 1! I would have scrapped this in protest if he hadn't been. (Unless Khing Ghidorah had been #1...or Rodan).

Speaking of which, how come they aren't on the list? Why isn't Jurassic Park? Come on! King Kong makes the list for it's T-Rex, but Jurassic Park doesn't! What a load of shit.

Wednesday, August 16, 2006

What the crap is this?

I bought the 2 Disc Special Edition of V for Vendetta because, apparently, I am a sucker. See, it's not really all that special. Oh, sure, there's the second disc, and there's a couple of nice little featurettes about the comic and turning it into a movie, but I don't think it's enough to warrant a seperate edition of the movie.

And on top of it all, there is NO commentary on it. You know what that means? There's going to have to be a SUPER Special Edition at some point that I'll have to buy and pay even more for! The fuckin Wachowski's are as bad as that shit Lucas! Ya bastards!

That's all, you can go back to...well, sleep I guess.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

I should have known better

I went to see Pulse on Friday. Here's the thing, 1) it was pg-13 (strike one), 2) it's a remake of a Japanese movie (strike 2), C) it was opening after having it's release pused back twice (strike 3) and D) it was a 9:45 showing on opening night and the theater was all but empty (apparently in this game, you get 4 strikes).

What I'm getting at is that I should have KNOWN that it wasn't going to be all that good. Now, I kind of liked the original, and I like Kristen Bell, but this was just not a good movie. Where the original was very much about loneliness and isolation, the remake was about ghosts...escaping from computers. Which was a stupid idea and horribly executed.

The sad thing is that I'll probably buy it when it comes out on DVD (that shouldn't take long), since I have the original and I like having both versions of a movie like this. I have both versions of Dark Water and I still haven't even bothered to watch the American version. Hell, I have the American, Japanese AND Korean versions of The Ring.

Monday, August 14, 2006

Half circle back, it's always half circle back

I was playing Resident Evil 4 when I hurt my back on Saturday. Well, I was getting up from sitting on the floor. Regardless, yes, I injured myself playing a video game. That's pretty irrelevant, but I figured I'd tell you anyways.

So, while I'm playing, I think to myself, as I often do (because if I weren't thinking it, I'd be talking and there was no one around, I would have been talking to myself, and really it's quieter if I just think it), that it would make a great movie. Then I thought, but most game based movies suck. Why do they suck so much? Wel, I think I kind of have an answer.

Think about it. Games are long. They're kinda convoluted. You keep going back and forth through mazes, fighting bosses and mini bosses and hitting question blocks and collecting coins. Most of this isn't all that exciting to watch. Look through your grandfather's coin collection with him someday, not nearly as exciting as a good Mario game, is it?

There are so many levels. Each level has it's big bosses and fights, but in a movie, it's a bunch of mini climaxes that serve no purpose.

And, the production value has increased in a way that the animation is as good as anything Hollywood is doing and the voice talent is getting better and better. It's almost a shame to use other people!

You can't stick too closely to the game as a result. So, you kind of have to make up your own story in that universe. For some, it works out pretty well. Resident Evil may not be the best movie ever made, but it's not horribly ridiculous, and they're still making them. Silent Hill was pretty good (and will be on DVD in about 2 weeks). Doom, not so much. Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter...okay, fighting games probably shouldn't be made into movies. It's kind of silly to begin with.

I guess we just shouldn't be surprised when a game adaptation turns to shit. I doubt anyone will ever really get it right, though I guess they have to keep trying, but it seems to me that it will alsways be a lost cause.

What about a series of short films? Or 1 hour specials on tv? You could do the level/boss thing pretty well that way. It might make a cool listening HBO?

Quick Reviews of Bad Movies

I had this idea over the weekend. It was an idea that could change the world, for the better, this time. An idea that could very well change the course of human evolution. It's the kind of thing that your grandkids will learn about in their history classes, and you'll tell them where you were when it happened. That idea? Quick Reviews of Bad Movies. A new feature here at 7dp. And today, it's a special Inagural Stallone Edition.

Demolition Man: It was no Tango & Cash.

Judge Dredd: It was no Demolition Man.

Remember, you were witness to history in the making.

Friday, August 11, 2006


So, I was screwing around with my layout yesterday, just thinking about making some changes...and well, I screwed up and apparently made those changes. I will be attempting to get things back to normal, but it I can't, it may be some more changes before it's all done.

Yeah, I'm a big ol fuckup sometimes. Oh well.

Does this help? I hope it helps.

So, posted this stupid "I Will Survive" article that has nothing to do with Gloria Gaynor, but instead is their guide to surviving in a horror movie.

It was stupid. Let me tell you why...

"When exploring nature, come prepared"
Because Boy Scouts never get killed in horror movies. Inevitably, they are able to fend for themselves using a swiss army knife and their knowledge of fancy knots.

Don't piss off truck drivers"
They just mind their own business. It's when you piss them off that they turn into raging psychos. It's not like a guy in a minivan could possibly run you off the road and kill you, even if he IS wearing a trucker hat. Speaking of which, if you ARE wearing a trucker hat, please, piss off the truckers...

Remember that old saying about curiosity..."
It killed the cat. But cats are tasty. I'm kidding, I've never eaten a cat. This is a saying that I hate to begin with. Curiosity has cured so many diseases, created so much technology. It's why we discovered America and went to the moon, so don't give me this shit about curiosity being bad...You probably still think the moon is made out of cheese you jerk.

Never pick up a hitchhiker"
What? Come on, EW, where's your sense of adventure? Don't you ever do anything fun? No, apparently not, it's the lack of curiosity, isn't it. It makes you drive around in you khakis and you're button down shirt in you Subaru at the posted speed limit singing along with the local adult contemporary station. I'm sorry that your life is so boring.

Monitor what your kids watch on TV"
That's great advice. They could be watching...well, Sesame Street, or Barney. That's some frightening shit.

Beware of backroads"
You see a scary backroad, I see a adventure.

Always follow your gut"
As it goes flying out of you at the end of a knife. Try and hold on.

Don't hit and run"
What?!? What do you want me to do? Hit and stick around? Hit and walk? No! I hit something, I'm outta there as quick as I can. I'm out of there quicker than you can make a lip synching joke when you hear Milli Vanilli.

Before sending the kids to a summer camp, read up on its history"
Kills the mystery. And besides, all the good stuff isn't published. It's told around the campfire.

Stay off the Internet"
If I did that, I wouldn't be writing this. I also never would have read this article. Maybe I should listen to this one...

Finally: If your ice cream moves... don't eat it!"
Ok, you know what? I'll give you this one.

Wednesday, August 09, 2006

FGFC: 6 chicks, a cabin and no pillowfight

Let's try something new today. In my attempt to finally join the illustrious Final Girl Film Club, I'm watching The Descent. Though, in a lot of ways it's unique in comparison with the others blogging this film. See, Ms. Ponder intended this to be a field trip. I, however, was unable to get my permission slip signed and am instead doing the make up assignment of watching my imported British version of the film.

So, I decided that I would do something a little different myself...I am currently writing this as a man was impaled by a metal rod. That's right, this is live baby. There's no turning back either. It's first star to the right and straight on until dawn from here on out. Unless I have to go turn the volume up...

The volume is now acceptable. The lights, in the hallway, are chasing this woman who's name I haven't caught...until her friend catches her. The husband and daughter are dead.

Fast forward like a year, I think, to the Appalachians here in the US of A. These chicks talk funny. Even for being in the south.

They found Juno! That wasn't much of a challenge. And an animal skull that may double as a doorbell.

This lady has an even funnier accent. It's Irish or Scotish. I don't think I like her very much. Her name is Holly.

Those pajamas are hot!

If you didn't know about this movie, if you were just flipping though channels and stumbled upon this, it could be a Lifetime movie, but with less date rape. There's nothing special about it...yet...and then something happened...something broke? I don't know...I was typing instead of paying attention. Damn me!

It's morning now and Juno is jogging...

I like this, a lot of screaming and noises as misdirection. Trying to startle you even though nothing is happening...

It occurs to me, that you may end up learning more about this than you want if you continue warned.

It's a level two cave! Oh no! Someone find me my level 12 Chaotic Good Paladin! (yes, I just made a D&D joke)

Hey, don't they need that book...why leave it...oh never mind.

Over the river and through the woods, to a level two cave we go. There's a lot of rules for caving it would seem. I don't remember the tour at Mammoth Cave being this complex, but, I was 13 then and, well, I probably wasn't paying attention.

Stop me if you've heard this one, 6 girls enter a cave...

Caves are dark...I should turn my light know, to set the mood. There, mood set to dark and sweaty. I wonder if I'll be able to type in the dark. I suppose I can. I'm pretty goddamn talented if I do say so myself.

Was that a hand imprint? Holy flying bats, batman, that was a shit ton of bats!

Okay, so, at this point, I'd be freaking out. Confined areas with no visible exit are the devil.

Oh thank god, someone brought a video camera. Maybe this will turn into The Blair Witch.

There's water dripping. I wonder what you do if you have to pee in this situation. It's not like there's a public restroom anywhere nearby...

They are all wearing those mining helmets with the lights on them. I think I need a light on my head...oh yeah. This helps the typing. I can see keys again. This won't last long. It's awfully warm in here.

Ok, the air is on now, and this LED on my head is making me feel a lot like a Borg, so it's got to go. Back to typing in the dark. How did Sarah get stuck? A lemon can't have an orgasm. What kind of joke is that? It's not even a good pun.

Rocks fall everyone dies.

Oh, no, no they're alive. And bitchy.

You didn't bring the book! You dummy. This isn't Boreham Caverns? An ego trip? Can you book that through Priceline? A new system? This is like Star Trek, and they're the Enterprise...ooh, which one is the unnamed ensign with the red shirt?

I can see how a flare would be handy to light a cave, but flares create a lot of smoke and fumes, wouldn't that be a BAD thing in an enclosed area? Like a cave? Maybe it's a special cave flare...

That's an interesting place for a naturally occurring metal hook to latch onto to appear...I thought that this was the FIRST time anyone had been here...

Okay, I could never hang from the ceiling of a cave. I'm too damn terrified of heights.

Damn that rope fucked up her hand. How are you going to sterilize that? It's gonna get infected! And gross. Ew.

Cave paintings? Juno is a bit of a bitch. The cave paintings suggest they may be able to get out. Ha! Take that Juno!

Holly is running ahead of the group..because, well, someone has to be the stupid one. Well, what can I sat, smart people don't fall down fucking holes! At least, not as often.

Yeah, bone sticking out, that leg is broken. That's gross, bone? Yeah, that's horrible, in such a horrible way.

It GOLLUM! And Juno! They're both kind of scary.

Two miles underground? Damn, that sucks. Especially if you've got someone with a broken leg!

Infared camera + shit ton of bones = wishing there was no camera...

Goddamn you gollum! I knew you were there you fucker. And you still startled me!

6 girls, screaming and running...yeah, they're not going to DRAW ATTENTION to themselves.

Damn, I guess that broken leg doesn't matter any more. This thing is like a combination between Gollum, Nosferatu and a blind cave fish. And there's more than one of them. Well, now there's one less. Good job Juno. No, wait, she wasn't one of them...

I wonder if this was on location, or sets...I guess a combination probably.

Those look like...well, not animal bones...something else? I'm trying to be vague if you haven't seen this. Is it working?

This could have been kind of a cool video game. Part Tomb Raider, part Silent Hill, part RPG in reverse. Something where you lose skills as you go on instead of gaining them.

I think these things are part T-rex too, they seem to ignore you if you're still...oh, it's the noise. That's reasonable.

They're in three "groups" now. 4 of them are still alive. I wonder if there is anything in the Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide for this situation...

Juno would be a lot more attractive is she wasn't such a horrible person. It's an "ugly on the inside" kind of effect.

Yeah, I thought something needed to jump out at us pretty soon.

I think they just implied the Juno was fucking Sarah's dead husband. Well, he was alive at the time...but, wow. Interesting. That explains...well, a little. Ok, a lot. So much!

Okay, part t-rex and part cat.

The female cave monsters, much to my surprise, have hair. Neat.

I love the use of color and light. Red light, white light, green light. It creates a cool effect and makes you see thing a very specific kind of way.

Aw, damn! That was a bone in the eye! And that was a femur to the head! Sweet.

Juno just walked into a bunch of those fuckers in what appeared to be a lunch meeting. Who brought the martinis? Anyone? Damn!

I love the look of hanging from the ceiling and turning the camera upside down.

And then there were 3. Or 2.

I think she just gave that thing a titty twister from hell!

Dynamite would be awesome right now. Not to collapse the cave, but imagine how the loud bang in such an enclosed place would effect everyone's hearing. The monsters primary method of hunting would be eliminated.

Sarah is reminding me a lot of Linda Hamilton/Sarah Conner from T2, even the outfit.

I wonder, I hear the ending was changed for the US release, so, at this point, we may be seeing two very different things. This is the second time I've seen this now (the first was before the birth of this fine corner of the interweb) and I feel like I should avoid talking about the end here. Even to try to point out any changes. I will say that it put the last episode of Newhart to shame.

I liked the ending the way it was though. There's a certain fatalism to it that I really like. A bit of ambiguity that I've come to appreciate. It's not the typical Hollywood ending that you expect.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this. It's a little long, and pretty random, but I'm glad you took the time to hang out with me. And I promise the next thing I do will be...well, shorter if not more coherent. Good night everybody!

Friday, August 04, 2006

That's sick

I've been trying to check out the audio commentary on Resident Evil. For some reason, I hadn't done this before. I suppose it's only strange because I really liked this movie and usually that means that I try to check out as much of the special features as I can.

So the commentary has actresses Milla Jovovich, Michelle Rodriguez, directoy Paul W.S. Anderson and producer Jeremy Bolt. And you know, it's the perfect kind of commentary. You listen to them and can tell they're having fun. The commentary isn't real dry like on some movies, there's a lot of joking around. Milla sounds like Ben Affleck on any of Kevin Smith's commentaries. Rodriguez can't pronounce Jovovich (despite repeated corrections) and also seems to have some sort of fascination with things being "sick". It's sort of like an Anti-Paris Hilton kind of phrase.

It's fun though beacuse they don't just talk about the movie (in fact the hardly talk about the movie), they obviously had fun making it together and the talk about a lot of the background stuff. What they did when they weren't shooting or on set. Hell, Milla even talks about her nipple being on screen.

I guess it's the part of movie making that I'm most curious of at the moment. The peripheral stuff that you don't think about. Going to the bar when you're on location. That's fascinating...but then, I could be a loser who's trying to live vicariously through others.

Thursday, August 03, 2006

Told you I'd get around to posting it

It was mentioned to me the other day that it may be a little odd that I have not seen The Big Easy. I think that's the one she found odd. There's a lot of movies that I haven't seen though. Movies I have no interest in ever seeing. Let's take a look at some:

Brokeback Mountain
-Let's talk about the elephant in the living room first. I will probably never see this movie. And now you're thinking, "can't you handle a movie with some dudes kissing?" It's got nothing to do with that. I'm just not a fan of serious movies. If a movie doesn't look fun I won't enjoy it and I'm not going to try to watch a movie I won't enjoy.


-Overhyped bullshit. Didn't care in 97, don't care now.

The Deer Hunter

Apocolypse Now


-But, I make references to them all the time


The Godfather


-What are you going to do? I don't care for mob movies.


-My friend loaned this two me two months ago…I swear I'll watch it eventually.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre

-Though I do OWN a copy of it

Friday the 13th

-Not a single one of them.

-I saw one of them. H2O. I know, I suck.

I've seen Jaws in bits and pieces. Nightmare on Elm Street 5 is the only one that I've seen all the way through in one sitting. I watch a lot of movies a little bit at a time.

Ok, so I can't really think of anything else right now. All I'm getting at is that there are tons of movies that I've never seen. And it's hard to be too surprised that I haven't seen something just because you think everyone has seen it. I don't think it's odd if you haven't seen Star Wars. (Though I do think it's weird that you didn't see any of the Indiana Jones movies.)

Monday, July 31, 2006

I need a cape...

So I finally got around to seeing Superman Returns: An IMAX 3D Experience which is a fancy way of saying I paid more than most people to go see the new Superman movie.

First things first. It's a two and a half hour movie, of which, maybe 20 minutes is in 3D. Now, the 3D parts DID look pretty damn good, but I think it would have been better as an all or nothing kind of thing. The stupid glasses are so weird at first, and then as soon as you're used to them you take them off.

Second things second. Kevin Spacey as Lex Luthor. Not a terrible choice. He certainly brought a certain Kevin Spacey-ness to the role, though personally, I missed the sort of over the top glee that Gene Hackman brought to the role. Which isn't to say that Spacey did a bad job, on the contrary, he was pretty good, it was just different, and inevitably, there is a comparison. It's like he's Sammy Hagar to Gene Hackman's David Lee Roth. I suppose the real question then is who is going to be Gary Cherone?

So, 3rd things 3rd. How was the movie? Well, it was...mostly enjoyable. I was never a huge Superman fan (my brother had all 4 dvds), in fact I'm not sure I ever even saw the 3rd or 4th movies. So where did that leave me with this? Well, I was ok, everything was pretty well laid out so that if this was your first ever Superman movie, you'd be able to follow along.

And as Superman movies go, this one was pretty cheesy. But, in a way, it's supposed to be. Superman is Truth, Justice and the American Way. He is an unflawed being. He is the ideal in every way. He's a goodie goodie. But he's supposed to be, and in that they succeeded. Who besides Superman can rescue you on a plane and then say "I hope this hasn't put you off of flying. Statistically speaking, it's still the safest way to travel."? No one! That's who. But Superman says it and all you can do is kind of smile because it's so cheesy, but it's so much who he is.

Don't bother seeing it at the imax unless you really really feel you have to, it's not worth the extra money for what you get, but it's not bad, and definitely worth the price of admission.

Wednesday, July 26, 2006

Stupid Stupid Stupid

Well, I had a real pretty little post about movies that I haven't seen all typed up and ready to go. Then I went and left it on my laptop at home. Why did I do that? Because I am a moron.

So, that will have to wait until I either get smatter, or am able to focus a little better (tomorrow probably).

In the mean time, lets go through some other dumb shit.

Apparently, Super Troopers 2 is a go. A prequel in which all the actors will play the parents of their characters from the first one. Great.

There will be no Shaun of the Dead 2. That makes me sad. Shaun of the Dead is easily one of my top five zombie movies.

I love some of the search terms that bring people here to my little corner of the interweb. For example, yesterday, someone did a yahoo search for "Chelan Simmons having sex clips". I've mentioned Chelan Simmons 3 times if you count the two times today. The other was back in February about the utterly forgettable movie Chupacabra Terror.

And I actually saw a commercial for Pulse last night. Set to open August 11th. Hopefully that means that it won't get pushed back again.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

Buddy Cops

MSN put together a list of their Top 10 Odd Cop Couples. You know, one's a by-the-book, good cop and family man and the other is an unstable maverick. That's just always how it goes. I guess it's just not very interesting for both of them to be by-the-book or both mavericks. One has to be Jackie Chan or Danny Glover and the other is a Diet Pepsi or whatever/whoever is hip at the moment. I'm sure in Japan they make cop movies where Mothra is the good cop and Godzilla is the loose cannon and together they go up against King Ghidorah and his internatial dope smuggling/ art theft/ immigration ring.

So, let's look at the list:

10: Starsky and Hutch
This wouldn't make my list of things to do instead of going to the dentist. In fact, getting a tooth pulled is less painful than watching this Own Wilson/Ben Stiller piece of crap.

9: Lethal Weapon
It was no Lethal Weapon 4, but really, how many movies are? Just 1, baby. Just 1.

8: Rush Hour
In other news, Chris Tucker finds a way to annoy me even more!

7: The Untouchables
Before there was Waterworld, Kevin Costner did a little movie with Sean Connery. And no, it wasn't Silverado. (Though, Danny Glover WAS in Silverado with Kevin Costner for anyone looking to play Six Degrees of Joe Pesci)

6: The Enforcer
I think this was actually a hockey movie...

5: Men in Black
I have nothing to say. I liked it. It should be higher on the list.

4: Narc
Set in Detroit but shot in Toronto, which means that it's too clean to pass for Detroit (I can say that, I grew up in Detroit).

3: Internal Affairs
Never heard of it, next

2: The Big Easy
Another that I've never heard of, but with Ned Beatty and John Goodman, it has to be gold.

1: Rush
I didn't realize that anyone remembered this movie. I only vaguely do, and that's only because we carried it at the video store I worked at in high school. And how is it that Jason Patric made the list twice?

Monday, July 24, 2006

Running from the Rain

It's funny sometimes how life can make it a challenge to do the things you enjoy. Like updating this blog, or even just watching movies.

I promise, I will update again soon. I will not let this fall to the wayside only to be updated every other month, but for now, it's not where my head is at.

So, for at least a little while longer there is nothing going on, but fear not! For soon I shall return with something stupid to say about some movie you like or at least something to show that I spend way too much time thinking about Star Wars and zombies...

I would kill for a Star Wars zombie movie. That would be so awesome.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Everything is not going to be okay

Just a reminder, that movie you've been looking forward to all year? The one that looked like it would be more fun than all the other movies coming out before it, it's being released today.

Wednesday, July 05, 2006

I have to. I can't help myself.

I've said in the past that baby penguins are the best thing ever invented. That said, it's hard to imagine why this this trailer would do anything but make me want to see Happy Feet.

Does one pitch a teepee or erect one?

If you took It's a Wonderful Life and combined it with A Christmas Carol, and then removed Christmas from it, you'd end up with something like Click.

It starts with the hardly original "Where's the Beyond section?" at Bed Bath and Beyond. I think I saw it in an episode of Family Guy like 4 years ago and I doubt it was all that original then.

So, Adam Sandler's character goes into the Beyond section where he meets a wierd old scientist type played by Christopher Walken. He's given a Universal Remote, as in it can control the universe. Cut to muting the dog barking, and fast forwarding through an argument with the wife. Ha ha! So funny! I can't believe it.

The remote eventually learns your preferences, so by accidently fast forwarding through sex one time, it starts to do it everytime!

Before seeing it, I'd kept seeing all over the interwebs, all the people talking about how funny it was and how it was Sandler's best movie. Well, here's the truth, they're a bunch of fucking liars! Liars I say! It was an okay movie that really only had a few bits that made it in any way entertaining. (Kate Beckinsale dressed as Pocahontas...that's oth the price of admission on it's own. Trust me, she's hot as an indian...makes you want to pitch a teepee right then and there..and you might). For the most part though, see it for free if you can, but I wouldn't spend more than $3-4 to see it.

Friday, June 30, 2006

Brought to you by the letters R and E and Extinction

Look at what I have today...Pictures! Of ladies. Giggity giggity alllllright.

"Look at me...I'm a badass. I have massive knives...or possibly boomerangs that I use to kill zombies. I'm in a desert. I have a bad haircut. I'm gonna stare at you."

"Look at me...I'm a badass. I have some sort of a military uniform. And guns. And sunglasses that I stole from Johnny Knoxville. Look at my boots! I am so tough. Grr."

Thursday, June 29, 2006

What a twist!

I really liked Unbreakable. The Sisth Sense was pretty cool, even though my boss had ruined the ending for me well before I ever saw it. Jerk...

I haven't seen Signs yet, despite TNT showing in 24-7 last week and my friend loaning me the dvd (dude, I swear I'll return it soon...). I also haven't seen The Villiage yet. (What if I told you that I hadn't seen The Villiage yet? Would you get the impression that I really wanted to see it?)

Needless to say, I don't consider myself a huge fan of M. Night Shamma-lamma-ding-dong. It's not that I haven't enjoyed his movies, it's just that I won't go out of my way to really watch them. Actually, less than that, I won't even watch Signs when I'm sitting in front of the tv and the movie is ON, somehow I managed to get about 20 minutes into it and leave...

Despite this, I do want to see Lady in the Water. I think it has to do with the mermaid vs werewolf impression I get from the trailer. And really, memaid vs werewolf movies are a lost art form today. Back in the 20's, you couldn't spit on the sidewalk without seeing some movie theater showing something like The Memaid Who Grew Fuzzy in the Moonlight or It Bit Into The Sea. Classics. You don't see film making like that anymore. And it's a real loss for American cinema.

Look at that trailer. What more could you want from a movie? There are butterflies, pruney nymphs, fat people jumping in pools, doors shaking, giant birds and possibly a mystic's like Splash, but without Eugene Levy.

And speaking of Splash, what is it with the Howard clan? Ron directed Splash and his daughter, Bryce, is in Lady in the Water. Do they just have a fascination with people who live in the water? Or is it something more sinister? Perhaps as a boy, Ron accidently killed a mermaid on the set of The Andy Griffith Show thinking it was one of Don Knotts' hookers? And since then he has to make ammends through the generations?

Probably not. In fact almost certainly not. I'm sorry My Lawyer for Mr Howard, I did not mean to imply that you'd killed that hooker. She was dead when you got there. No? I mean, nothing like that ever happened. And I'm sorry to you as well, Mr Lawyer for the late Mr Knotts, I did not mean to imply that the woman in question wa s a lady of the night. I know, I know, she was the cousin of your friends daughter and you were merely showing the young lady the set of a television show.

Right, so Lady in the Water. July 21st. I'll see it eventually.

Wednesday, June 28, 2006

Spider man spider man does whatever a spider can

You may not know this, but I am a pretty big fan of the Spiderman movies. I mean, I don't sit around and watch them all the time like I do some other movies. But Spiderman and Spiderman 2 have both turned out to be pretty damn enjoyable. So, it's with great pleasure that I get to display, for your enjoyment, the teaser trailer for Spiderman 3.

You can also check out a bigger, higher quality version here.

You have to admit, it looks pretty damned cool. Well, the symbiote attaching itself to Spidey looks a little b-movie-esque, but the part where he's upside down and his reflection is the normal suit...oh yeah.

May 2007...still makes me think of the day the first Spiderman was released. May 3rd, 2002. I remember becuase it was my birthday, and it was also the day after I'd found out that my exgirlfriend (who was not my exgirlfriend at the time, she was actually still my girlfriend) had cheated on me...again! Whore thought she could hide it from me by telling one of my friends about it! Ha!

I enjoyed the movie though...

Monday, June 12, 2006

It's a 3 for 1 special

You know how you go to that diner down the street where the food isn't exactly great, but it isn't exactly expensive either? It's kind of like the blue plate special at that joint. The food is a little greasy, maybe a tad overcooked, but you're still pretty sure those are french fries on the side. They're probably french fries, you suppose that they could be carrots. It doesn't matter.

Cyber Wars is those fries. It's a movie. You know it's a movie because it's like every movie you've seen before. It borrows a bit from movies like The Matrix (Genevieve O’Reilly was in the second and third Matrix movies) and seems a LOT like Johnny Mnemonic only not NEARLY as good. Come on now, Keanu Reeves was great as Johnny. Hell, it was one of his best movies before The Matrix and from what I can tell, still one of his top 5.

Cyber wars is all about bounty Um, it's about the illusion of reality...not really. Um, it's about a game...maybe? It had that one dude from Blade Runner...oh yeah! It was crap. It was bad. Very very bad.

Next up is The Da Vinci Code. For many, this would be the main course. And really, this was probably the biggest surprise for me this weekend. The book was obviously a huge success and it's almost impossible not to know at least a LITTLE about the premise at this point. My initial thought before I watched it was that, eh, it looks ok. It wasn't as religious as I thought it would be though, which is odd considering it's about the holy grail and if Jesus was married.

It was a fun little movie with one little twist at the end that surprised me, and another twist that you can see from a mile away.

I suppose at this point in our meal...this analogy sucks. What the hell is wrong with me. It's not like I watched these in a row, this was spread out over a couple of days and just didn't have enough to say to warrant 3 posts.

X3: The Last Stand. The third in the series, and the end of the Xmen movies...forever? Yeah, it's the end of a story arc, that's all. It's certainly open ended enough that they could do a 4th. Let's keep our eyes on this one though. I think it suffers from being a bit too ambitious. We're introduced to many more mutants in this installment, and, unfortuanatly, most of them are not very well used. Kitty Pryde finally gets to be involved in the action, and Frasier Crane turns blue, but for the most part, there are so many new characters that they're hard to keep straight and keep involved in the story.

And speaking of the story, it was crap. A cure for mutation. It's like a cure for gay. Or a cure for left handedness. The whole point is that it's not a disease, it's who you are. And of course, Rouge wants the cure, which means that she's not in most of the movie. Cyclops appears briefly. Nightcrawler is MIA. It's less Xmen and more Storm and Worlverine take on everyone else with a little help from those kids over there. There's your fucking movie. Storm and Wolverine vs Magneto and Jean "The Phoenix" Grey in the war just off shore, this Sunday on Pay Per View, Good-ish vs Misguided battle for the freedom of all mutants at Alcatraz (weather permitting. fight lasts until someone is "cured" or disintegrated with mind powers). Also appearing, Fire vs Ice, Bobby "The Iceman" Drake takes on Pyro, because it's been inevitable for 2 movies. And in our opening match, The Juggernaut takes on a little girl.

I'd pay 9.95 for that.

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

They should have added zombies. Zombies make everything better

I went and saw The Omen last night. It was less about seeing the movie and more about who I was going with. To be honest, I wasn't a huge fan of the original and in fact I'm not sure that I've ever seen it in it's entirety. I've seen some here and there that adds up to the whole thing. Oh well. Like I said the other day, I'm not a big fan of 70's horror movies.

The score was good. The pacing was terrible, it felt like the longest movie to ever finish in under 2 hours. And that might be what bothered me the most about it. It just felt so slow. It was like nothing was happening for most of the movie.

Damien, unfortunatly, was the least creepy kid that I've seen in a movie. He spent most of his time looking kind of goofy and I couldn't believe him as being anything sinister. Maybe vacant is a better word than goofy.

And who the hell hires a british nanny that DOESN'T have an english accent? Isn't that at least a little weird? Mrs Baylock was at least a bit of a bright spot. Mia Farrow was great in this movie. Ever protecting Damien from the church and his family and even murdering someone for him.

Julia Stiles however, while a good actress, was probably miscast in this movie. She's too young. She's barely 25, which makes her only a bit younger than me. Now think about it. She looks young, she looks about her age. Her husband is supposed to be in his early 30s. They have a 5 year old son. I could just never buy into it. It seemed wrong.

It seemed wrong like a homeless man lugging a manhole cover attached to a chain down the streets of Rome. I still don't get that. I've seen a lot of homeless people in my life but I've NEVER seen one haul anything on a chain. This of course leads to a gas truck explosion which stretches the bounds of coincidence a little thin.

Liev Schreiber was fine. Still maybe a little young, but he was fine. David Thewlis was good. He's got a good future as a poor man's Gary Oldman. Pete Postlethwaite was great as usual.

There are too many times where you find yourself asking things like, "come on, how is he going to get those knives through customs?" or well, other things that are equally as ridiculous. I can't remember anymore. I should take notes or something. Oh! Like at the end, wouldn't he have diplomatic immunity?

It's not the worst movie I've seen this year (that's still UltraViolet) but there's lots of room for improvement.

Tuesday, June 06, 2006

The devil is coming

Underworld: Evolution is out on DVD as of today. That sounds wrong. Lets try that again.

It's 6-6-06, so you know that means? The devil is coming! The devil is coming!

Wait. No. Hold on.

Right, Underworld: Evolution was realeased on DVD today. And you know what that means, right?


NO! Now stop it!

No, it means that I had to spend my money on yet another DVD. It will forever be known in my heart as 456. The real question is, where do you buy something like this. It's like looking for the shiniest diamond. Or the wetest water. It takes some time and some dedication. I have neither of those, so I only looked in like 4 or 5 places online.

Suggested retail is $28.95. Obviously, it's suggested that you never pay retail for a dvd.

Deep Dicount DVD is selling it for $18.09. Is that even a discount? It's definatly not deep... (you should check out the Danger After Dark Collection though. It contains Moon Child, 2LDK, and Suicide Club. 3 excellent japanese movies for under $20. Now THAT'S a good deal.) is selling it for $16.96. That's almost $12 in savings! But, I think we can do better...

Best Buy is selling it for $15.99. What the crap? Isn't anyone under $15!

Here we go! Circuit City, the store you never think of, selling it for $13.99, and you can save on shipping by picking it up in the store. I, of course, completely blanked when I ordered it. I forgot that there is a Circuit City about five minutes from work. The shame.

As a not so honorable mention, you can pick it up at FYE for $12.99 but that's only after a $7 mail in rebate. You'd have to drop the $19.99 first and hopefully remember to mail in the rebate form.

I picked up the new AFI cd too, but that doesn't have anything to do with anything. I just thought that I would share anyways.

Monday, June 05, 2006

Summer movies

It's a nice day out today. Sunny, 79 degrees. It's June now, the birds are, unlike me, mating, and I guess I'm just thinking about some of the movies that I'd like to see this summer. (but probably won't see until this winter...)

The Omen: June 6th
Okay, there's a good possibility that I don't really want to see this. However, I may go tomorrow anyways. I'm not a huge fan of remakes and was never a big fan of the original. Sue me. I'm really not a fan of most horror movies from the 70's. I like the more modern stuff. Every indication is that this is a fairly straight forward retelling of the original, but brought up to date. So, we'll see. I may actually enjoy it.

A Scanner Darkly: July 7th
July 7th hopefully, maybe, in theory, we'll get back to you. This movie has been delayed since September of LAST YEAR. It a very interesting looking movie, using a cell shading technique similar to some video games, like the last Zelda game on the Gamecube. My guess is that it'll be released around Christmas of next year, if it's finished by then.

Pirates of the Caribbean : Dead Man's Chest: July 7th
This is a given. I absolutely LOVED the first movie and this will be more of the same I'm sure. And, Kiera Knightly is back. So, yeah, like I said...a given.

Pulse: July 14th
This is where my strange fascination with remakes of Japanese horror movies gets the better of me. Also, it's stars the Detroit suburb's own Kristen Bell who you may recognize as TV's Veronica Mars.

I will see this movie. Eventually. No, really...I will.

Clerks 2: July 21st
How could I NOT want to see this. I love Kevin Smith's movies. I've been a fan since I saw Mallrats (i saw it before I saw Clerks). It's the return of Dante and Randall, ten years later and still as lazy as ever. They're working at Mooby's now and joined by Rosario Dawson.

DOA: Dead or Alive: August 25th
Okay, there's no official site for it, and I wouldn't pay to see it...why is it on this list then? I'm not sure. It's an adaptation of a video game. And not just any video game, a fighting game, which you'll remember worked out so well for Street Fighter and Mortal Kombat. The video game is known mostly for it's...physics. Which is a nice way of saying the boobs bounce a lot. They did a BEACH VOLLEYBALL version of the game. Tells you something, doesn't it. Should be a great date movie...

I'll probably end up seeing more movies than are on this list, and probably like some of them more than this list, but, this is just a quick look at what I'm looking forward too.

And Blogger is really pissin me off today, I'm just having a TON of trouble getting pictures uploaded. It's taking forever.

And I never noticed this before, but the word "Blogger" is not in Blogger's own spell check. Ha!

Base u ball

Sometimes you look at a movie and see certain names or ideas associated with it that really get your hopes up. You look at a movie like Battlefield Baseball and think, baseball + murderous freaks, how can you go wrong? Apparently pretty easily.

Start by putting in a weird musical number, then DON'T PLAY BASEBALL.

It's a real choppy story of a guy who killed his dad playing catch. Everything happens too coincidentally.

It was pretty stupid, and I really don't want to spend much more time writing about it.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Analyzing: Star Wars Episode 6 Return of the Jedi

To be honest, I wanted to write about a horror movie today as sort of a welcome back now that Stacie has returned to the land of the blogging over at the fine Final Girl blog. Thank god for horny teenagers, you know? And spearguns apparently. Regardless, welcome back.

Anyways, down to business. I want to look at Return of the Jedi today. A movie that features everything from tribal teddy bears to giant slugs to iron underwear.

Something is revealed though in this movie. Luke Skywalker has a sister. That sister happens to be Leia Organa. Twins separated at birth. Hidden from a father who is the biggest wuss ever to oversee a galaxy. The father, of course, is Darth Vader. A man who was a bad ass until you realized what a pussy he was in the first three chapters. Vader is a topic all on his own though, and not really what I'm here to discuss.

You see, just before Luke goes off to confront his father, he tells Leia that they are siblings. Leia is of course shocked and questions how that could possibly be the case. She becomes hysterical and calls Luke a liar. Wait, no. That's not what happens at all is it? She just says that somehow she's always known that.

Fast forward to Han and Leia talking after they blow up the shield generator. Han asks Leia is she loves Luke. She says yes and tells Han that Luke is her brother. Han of course goes nuts, how can that be? He's from Tatooine, you're from Alderaan. You have different parents. You never even met until we rescued you from the Death Star. Wait, no. That's not what happened either. Han just accepted it. No questions. No shock. Not even a simple acknowledgement of being slightly surprised.

Wouldn't you expect some sort of proof? Something that would link them together? Maybe a medallion that they each have half of and they're able to form the whole thing together. Something other than Luke's word? And does Vader know that Leia is his daughter at any point? After their contemptuous exchanges in A New Hope, wouldn't Vader feel like something had slipped through his fingers? A chance to turn his daughter to the dark side?

Which brings me back to Luke. Vader had been scouring the galaxy for him. And the Emperor also wanted to find him. Seemingly, they both wanted him for the same purpose, to turn him to the dark side. That's the easy part of the story, but keep in mind, from The Phantom Menace, "Always two there are. A master and an apprentice."

So, Vader wants to be the master. He wants Luke to help him kill the Emperor and rule the galaxy in his stead. Vader, however, is too weak to kill the Emperor himself in his mechanical state. The force is a living thing and Vader, in many ways, is not. Vader is death made to walk. He is a head an a torso. Everything else is a mechanical prosthetic. He can't even breathe on his own. As such, he cannot control the force as well as he could before the transformation. Vader could have, should have been stronger than any jedi, but he wasn't ready when he faced Obi-Wan and as a result, he's now just a giant wuss dressed like a badass. Kind of like an emo kid.

This is the great tragedy of Darth Vader. Palpatine wanted Anakin because he would be stronger than him and someday overthrow his master. But Vader can't defeat Palpatine on his own, and therefore can never become the master. Vader is destined to always be the apprentice.

Which is why the Emperor wants Luke. He sees in Luke all the same potential that Anakin had, without the weakness of Vader. Here is an apprentice who, by destroying Vader, would demonstrate just how much stronger he is. Luke would be the student who he would teach and eventually would kill the emperor, because that is the destiny of every Sith master. They all secretly fear and hope for the day that their pupil strikes them down, completing the training.

Luke however, is not just stronger physically, but mentally as well. He does not possess the same character flaws that his father did. His weaknesses are different and harder to use against him. Anakin was proud, angry, jealous and scared. Luke suffers only from a fear of failing. He knows the consequences if he fails. His friends will die. His sister will die. The galaxy will live in fear. His fear is not a selfish fear. And that is why ultimately he does not fall to the Emperor.

Vader on the other hand is a weak, foolish, scared individual. All the power in the world, and he's scared of the thing that it can't be used for. He can't save the woman he loves. What he doesn't see is that it was trying to save her that ultimately killed her. But when he sees Luke being killed by the emperor, he finally realizes that he can save his family. He does have the power to do that. He said that he wanted Luke to rule by his side, but that's not it. He wanted to, no, needed to see that despite his failure to save Padme, he still succeeded. He had a strong son who knew right from wrong. His son knew how to use his power. His son did what had to be done. Luke was the Jedi that Anakin could never have been. And in that moment, with the realization that Luke did not hate his father, Anakin was able to kill the Emperor and save his son, and in the end, himself.

I think sometimes, maybe...just maybe, I think about Star Wars too damned much.