Welcome back, to that same old place that you laughed about.

I guess the reality is that I just can't stay away. I wish I had the time to update this more regularly, but right now, I just don't. So, my Christmas gift to my 3 regular readers (not to mention my New Years Resolution) is to at least pop in and work my blogging magic infrequently. I think I can handle that.

So, tis the season for year in review type lists, right? Of course. Everyone loves them. So, I thought I'd do one myself. Now, I'm not going to do a Best of 06 for you (unless I change my mind), because, lets be honest, many many many bloggers will. And besides, when I think of the movies I watched this year, I realize that it would be a pretty short fucking list (and a list consisting of V for Vendetta and A Scanner Darkly isn't much of a list).

Instead, I thought, maybe I could make a list of the worst movies I saw this year. I'm not going to rank them though, because lets be honest, shit smells like shit, there's no two ways about it. What I will do though it select one movie from that list and award my brand new annual award, The Turd-y.

Without further ado, here are your nominees for Shittiest Movie of 2006:

Earth Vs The Spider: You were so awe inspiring that I changed the channel to watch an episode I'd seen 30 times.

Cyber Wars: If you'd been coherent, you really coulda been great. No, I'm kidding, you had way more problems than that.

X3: I didn't have the highest of hopes to start with, the initial reviews weren't very good. Everyone said it was pretty bad, and for one, a movie lived up to it's hype...

Pulse: The original was ok. I like Kristen Bell. Holy hell was this a waste of money though.

The Omen: I didn't like the original either.

UltraViolet: Regular violet wasn't enough, this was ULTRAviolet. Ultra Crap. (me-Did I REALLY just make a joke that bad? Holy shit, that joke was almost as bad as the movie!)

Zombie Honeymoon: Somehow managed to forget to put zombies in the fucking movie.

Izo: Wow...that's a sword...coming out of your vagina...

And the one that started it all, the first review I ever did for $7 Popcorn...King Kong: Bad but disqualified to to the fact that I actually saw it in 2005.

Those are your 9 nominees. And now, you winner is...

Who the hell sealed this envelope? Did you use packing tape? Holy christ man, what's wrong with you.

Ok, the winner of 2006's Turd-y for worst movie of the year goes to....UltraViolet!!!!!!!! With it's incoherent story, bad acting and terrible effects, it really just was the bits of corn in the turd that was 2006's movies.

We're not supid, are we?

I never thought I would agree with Ron Howard on something. Not because I tend to disagree with him, but because I've never heard or cared about how he felt. Sorry, Opie, it's nothing personal. It's just that, you've always been a million miles away, and you've never taken the time to ask how I felt, so fair is fair.

The Da Vinci Code will not have a disclaimer stating that it is a work of fiction. In related news, water will not have a disclaimer stating that it is wet.

Apparently, some in the catholic church have so much faith in the movie going public that they feel we won't be able to tell that Forest Gump is not really a Harvard Scholar.

It's a movie, I think we all know that it's not factual. It's a story. It's made up. Just like Jesus. Maybe.

Ok, lets look at it this way, it's no more true than Dogma and no one put a disclaimer on...wait, there was a disclaimer on that. A movie with a POOP MONSTER needed a disclaimer.

Maybe there's some truth to it all. Maybe ALL movies should have a dislaimer...

Ultraviolet could have used one:

WARNING - This movie is a complete waste of time. Go ask for a refund now. It's PG-13, so there aren't even any boobs or blood to save it. How do you make a bloodless vampire movie anyways?

Or King Kong:

Warning! - Sure Naomi Watts is hot as hell, but she might as well make out with the giant monkey

Or Star Wars: Attack of the Clones:

DUDE! - If you pause the movie at XX:YY:ZZ when Padme and Annakin are in the ship, about to leave Tatooine to go to Geonosis, you can totally kind of see Natalie Portman's nipples.

Well, you have to keep your target audiance in mind.

It's ridiculous though to have to tell a movie audience that they're about to sit down and watch a piece of fiction. It's a given. We understand that. Movies have been around long enough now. And I would think that a movie like The Passion of the Christ should have been more in need of outrage and disclaimers.

Warning! - This is the story of Jesus as told by the crazy cop from the Lethal Weapon movies. He played Mad Max for fuck's sake! And now, what? He's a religous scholar? RRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIGGHHHHHHHTTTTT!!!!!!!!!!!!

Movies are movies. They're entertainment. They are not now, or ever a replacement for genuine learning tools like the internet. Because everything on the internet is true.

Vampirephages...blah

Sometimes, a movie just looks so cool. And you anticipate it's release. You look forward to it even though in the pack of your mind you know it can't possibly live up to your expectations.

And then, you finally see the movie. And it's bad. Worse than you'd heard. Worse than you could have reasonably expected. It's so bad that you start thinking about all of the things you could be doing, things that would be more enjoyable. Like cleaning the toilet, or shopping for underwear with your grandmother. Just anything to end the pain of watching the movie.

Ultraviolet was such a movie.

Ultraviolet is a timeless tale of vampires (or hemophages... though, I prefer hemopire, vampirephages) against the political/religious/medical establishment. Violet spends the movie pulling weapons out of nowhere, fighting against...everyone...to protect a child she found floating inside a briefcase. She then takes the boy (named 6) to Garth. Garth is a weapons expert, I guess, I'm not sure. He does research. They say it's really important.

And that's one of the problems. They don't take the extra couple of seconds to explain anything. They use some sort of dimensional technology to hide weapons or rooms...but never say much about it. The movie comes in at 88 minutes. They could have explained a few things better and still come in under 100 minutes.

Of course, since it was PG-13, there was almost no blood. Which for a vampire movie (even the bad ones) is odd. They cut people with swords, and they don't bleed.

And why do the military guards wear armor made out of ice, or glass? And why do the swords catch on fire at the end?

It's like Kurt Wimmer thought of just a bunch of shit that he thought would look cool in a movie and decided to put it all in a movie.

So, congratulations Ultraviolet, you were worse than King Kong.

It's been a while...poor neglected Milla

Sure, M:I 3 and Cars and V for Vendetta all got commericals during last Sunday's Super Bowl, but where was the commercial for UltraViolet???

Originally scheduled for a Feb 24th release, it's now been pushed back a week till March 3rd.

The real question is...when can we expect to see a little advertising for it?

At least it's coming out somewhat soon.

See, I have this problem. I need to have something to look forward to. And, since I've seen Underworld: Evolution now, I need something new. So, I'll look ahead to UltraViolet.

That being said, here's your Milla fix for today.


Enjoy.

Mmm...Milla...

UGO has a trailer up for the new Milla Jovovich movie Ultraviolet. Essentially a Underworld/Resident Evil looking hybrid, Ultraviolet is about a group of humans with a vampire like disease on the verge of civil war with the healthy humans. Jovovich's character finds herself responsible for the life of a 9 year old boy marked as a threat by the government.

Luckily for me, I liked Underworld and Resident Evil and have been a fan of Milla since The 5th Element. In other words, I will probably end up seeing this.

Watch the trailer