Tuesday, March 18, 2008


It's Tuesday, March 18th, and that can only mean one thing...a large portion of America is pissing green after their St Patrick's Day revelry. However, that has nothing to do with why we're here today.Today is the day of the


The fine folks at Final Girl industries made the instructions easy to follow...

That was on the back of my anti-cynicism pills...

Ok, that raises a question then. What the hell DOES fill me with, ahem, "complete and total unbridled fucking retarded JOY" when it comes to movies?

Godzilla, Gamera and other giant monsters

Seriously. If you call me up and say 'Dude, I found this movie. It's got a big fuck off monster in it that destroys a city, you want to come over and watch it?' I will first ask who the hell you are and how you got my phone number, then I will ask if you want me to grab some beer on my way over. The Academy can have their awards and their classy pictures...give me a guy in a rubber monster suit or some CGI abomination any day.


I did a whole damn Shark Week last year and loved every minute of it. It doesn't even have to be a GOOD shark movie. I don't really care. I could watch stock footage of sharks eating fish and a bad story about genetic mutation going on and fucking LOVE it. Anything from the good (Jaws) to the bad (Raging Sharks, Shark Attack 3), it doesn't matter. I love them all the same.

turday Nights on SciFi

Ok, they're absolutely AWFUL movies. Bad plots, bad acting, worse effects, it doesn't matter though. On any given Saturday afternoon or evening, you know that whatever is on is going to be absolutely awful but might just be entertaining as all hell. Attack of the Sabertooth, Chupacabra Terror...come on! How can you not get a kick out of movies like that? No Country For Old Men may have one an Oscar, but it wasn't FUN. You have to remember the point of watching a movie...to be entertained. And sometimes, just sometimes, you have to put your brain on pause and just let yourself go and enjoy something bad. Because remember, someone made this movie and thought it was GOOD.

"This is the worst movie I've ever seen"

If you utter this phrase around me, I will inevitably mention some movie that is even worse. It's just the way it goes. However, I will want to see just how bad this movie was. And that's pretty much the story of how I saw Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. Yeah, not the bed that eats PEOPLE or anything like that, just The Bed That Eats. And it does. It eats people, some apples, a bottle of wine, some pepto...hell, it eats anything it can get...except a knife. The knife passes right through it. And somehow, people don't find this COMPLETELY awesome?

All of this is just a long winded way of saying that I dig bad movies. I have for as long as I can remember. My father used to harass me for it (all the while he loved his cheesy Stony man novels, takes all kinds I guess). I worked at a video store for a couple years in high school and college and, you know, I'd watch almost anything. If I could sit down and just let go of reality to watch a movie that had more holes than swiss cheese, then my day was perfect. It would be all I needed. To this day, when the weight of the world feels like it's all resting on my shoulders, watching Corbin Bernsen phone in a performance as a submarine captain is enough to put a smile on my face.

100% Pure Bulgarian Awesome.


Unknown said...

Its true, you do love the bad movies.

Did you ever see the Santa Claus visits the Martians?

Unknown said...

Nope. In fact, I misplaced it somewhere in my apartment. I can't find it anywhere.