Monday, May 01, 2006


Sometimes, a movie just looks so cool. And you anticipate it's release. You look forward to it even though in the pack of your mind you know it can't possibly live up to your expectations.

And then, you finally see the movie. And it's bad. Worse than you'd heard. Worse than you could have reasonably expected. It's so bad that you start thinking about all of the things you could be doing, things that would be more enjoyable. Like cleaning the toilet, or shopping for underwear with your grandmother. Just anything to end the pain of watching the movie.

Ultraviolet was such a movie.

Ultraviolet is a timeless tale of vampires (or hemophages... though, I prefer hemopire, vampirephages) against the political/religious/medical establishment. Violet spends the movie pulling weapons out of nowhere, fighting protect a child she found floating inside a briefcase. She then takes the boy (named 6) to Garth. Garth is a weapons expert, I guess, I'm not sure. He does research. They say it's really important.

And that's one of the problems. They don't take the extra couple of seconds to explain anything. They use some sort of dimensional technology to hide weapons or rooms...but never say much about it. The movie comes in at 88 minutes. They could have explained a few things better and still come in under 100 minutes.

Of course, since it was PG-13, there was almost no blood. Which for a vampire movie (even the bad ones) is odd. They cut people with swords, and they don't bleed.

And why do the military guards wear armor made out of ice, or glass? And why do the swords catch on fire at the end?

It's like Kurt Wimmer thought of just a bunch of shit that he thought would look cool in a movie and decided to put it all in a movie.

So, congratulations Ultraviolet, you were worse than King Kong.