Wednesday, August 09, 2006

FGFC: 6 chicks, a cabin and no pillowfight

Let's try something new today. In my attempt to finally join the illustrious Final Girl Film Club, I'm watching The Descent. Though, in a lot of ways it's unique in comparison with the others blogging this film. See, Ms. Ponder intended this to be a field trip. I, however, was unable to get my permission slip signed and am instead doing the make up assignment of watching my imported British version of the film.

So, I decided that I would do something a little different myself...I am currently writing this as a man was impaled by a metal rod. That's right, this is live baby. There's no turning back either. It's first star to the right and straight on until dawn from here on out. Unless I have to go turn the volume up...

The volume is now acceptable. The lights, in the hallway, are chasing this woman who's name I haven't caught...until her friend catches her. The husband and daughter are dead.

Fast forward like a year, I think, to the Appalachians here in the US of A. These chicks talk funny. Even for being in the south.

They found Juno! That wasn't much of a challenge. And an animal skull that may double as a doorbell.

This lady has an even funnier accent. It's Irish or Scotish. I don't think I like her very much. Her name is Holly.

Those pajamas are hot!

If you didn't know about this movie, if you were just flipping though channels and stumbled upon this, it could be a Lifetime movie, but with less date rape. There's nothing special about it...yet...and then something happened...something broke? I don't know...I was typing instead of paying attention. Damn me!

It's morning now and Juno is jogging...

I like this, a lot of screaming and noises as misdirection. Trying to startle you even though nothing is happening...

It occurs to me, that you may end up learning more about this than you want if you continue warned.

It's a level two cave! Oh no! Someone find me my level 12 Chaotic Good Paladin! (yes, I just made a D&D joke)

Hey, don't they need that book...why leave it...oh never mind.

Over the river and through the woods, to a level two cave we go. There's a lot of rules for caving it would seem. I don't remember the tour at Mammoth Cave being this complex, but, I was 13 then and, well, I probably wasn't paying attention.

Stop me if you've heard this one, 6 girls enter a cave...

Caves are dark...I should turn my light know, to set the mood. There, mood set to dark and sweaty. I wonder if I'll be able to type in the dark. I suppose I can. I'm pretty goddamn talented if I do say so myself.

Was that a hand imprint? Holy flying bats, batman, that was a shit ton of bats!

Okay, so, at this point, I'd be freaking out. Confined areas with no visible exit are the devil.

Oh thank god, someone brought a video camera. Maybe this will turn into The Blair Witch.

There's water dripping. I wonder what you do if you have to pee in this situation. It's not like there's a public restroom anywhere nearby...

They are all wearing those mining helmets with the lights on them. I think I need a light on my head...oh yeah. This helps the typing. I can see keys again. This won't last long. It's awfully warm in here.

Ok, the air is on now, and this LED on my head is making me feel a lot like a Borg, so it's got to go. Back to typing in the dark. How did Sarah get stuck? A lemon can't have an orgasm. What kind of joke is that? It's not even a good pun.

Rocks fall everyone dies.

Oh, no, no they're alive. And bitchy.

You didn't bring the book! You dummy. This isn't Boreham Caverns? An ego trip? Can you book that through Priceline? A new system? This is like Star Trek, and they're the Enterprise...ooh, which one is the unnamed ensign with the red shirt?

I can see how a flare would be handy to light a cave, but flares create a lot of smoke and fumes, wouldn't that be a BAD thing in an enclosed area? Like a cave? Maybe it's a special cave flare...

That's an interesting place for a naturally occurring metal hook to latch onto to appear...I thought that this was the FIRST time anyone had been here...

Okay, I could never hang from the ceiling of a cave. I'm too damn terrified of heights.

Damn that rope fucked up her hand. How are you going to sterilize that? It's gonna get infected! And gross. Ew.

Cave paintings? Juno is a bit of a bitch. The cave paintings suggest they may be able to get out. Ha! Take that Juno!

Holly is running ahead of the group..because, well, someone has to be the stupid one. Well, what can I sat, smart people don't fall down fucking holes! At least, not as often.

Yeah, bone sticking out, that leg is broken. That's gross, bone? Yeah, that's horrible, in such a horrible way.

It GOLLUM! And Juno! They're both kind of scary.

Two miles underground? Damn, that sucks. Especially if you've got someone with a broken leg!

Infared camera + shit ton of bones = wishing there was no camera...

Goddamn you gollum! I knew you were there you fucker. And you still startled me!

6 girls, screaming and running...yeah, they're not going to DRAW ATTENTION to themselves.

Damn, I guess that broken leg doesn't matter any more. This thing is like a combination between Gollum, Nosferatu and a blind cave fish. And there's more than one of them. Well, now there's one less. Good job Juno. No, wait, she wasn't one of them...

I wonder if this was on location, or sets...I guess a combination probably.

Those look like...well, not animal bones...something else? I'm trying to be vague if you haven't seen this. Is it working?

This could have been kind of a cool video game. Part Tomb Raider, part Silent Hill, part RPG in reverse. Something where you lose skills as you go on instead of gaining them.

I think these things are part T-rex too, they seem to ignore you if you're still...oh, it's the noise. That's reasonable.

They're in three "groups" now. 4 of them are still alive. I wonder if there is anything in the Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide for this situation...

Juno would be a lot more attractive is she wasn't such a horrible person. It's an "ugly on the inside" kind of effect.

Yeah, I thought something needed to jump out at us pretty soon.

I think they just implied the Juno was fucking Sarah's dead husband. Well, he was alive at the time...but, wow. Interesting. That explains...well, a little. Ok, a lot. So much!

Okay, part t-rex and part cat.

The female cave monsters, much to my surprise, have hair. Neat.

I love the use of color and light. Red light, white light, green light. It creates a cool effect and makes you see thing a very specific kind of way.

Aw, damn! That was a bone in the eye! And that was a femur to the head! Sweet.

Juno just walked into a bunch of those fuckers in what appeared to be a lunch meeting. Who brought the martinis? Anyone? Damn!

I love the look of hanging from the ceiling and turning the camera upside down.

And then there were 3. Or 2.

I think she just gave that thing a titty twister from hell!

Dynamite would be awesome right now. Not to collapse the cave, but imagine how the loud bang in such an enclosed place would effect everyone's hearing. The monsters primary method of hunting would be eliminated.

Sarah is reminding me a lot of Linda Hamilton/Sarah Conner from T2, even the outfit.

I wonder, I hear the ending was changed for the US release, so, at this point, we may be seeing two very different things. This is the second time I've seen this now (the first was before the birth of this fine corner of the interweb) and I feel like I should avoid talking about the end here. Even to try to point out any changes. I will say that it put the last episode of Newhart to shame.

I liked the ending the way it was though. There's a certain fatalism to it that I really like. A bit of ambiguity that I've come to appreciate. It's not the typical Hollywood ending that you expect.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this. It's a little long, and pretty random, but I'm glad you took the time to hang out with me. And I promise the next thing I do will be...well, shorter if not more coherent. Good night everybody!


Anonymous said...

Woo hoo! Nicely done...I really like the real-time review. It's ACTION PACKED! And you make some good points while you're at it. Damn that Juno!

Thanks for playing along. I'm glad this selection wasn't a fat stinky.

Anonymous said...

Thanks! I'm glad you liked my live blogging.

Of course the down side to doing it this way is that I'm not the best typist in the world and miss things while I'm looking for keys. But, it is a fairly good picture of what it's like to watch a movie with me.

I'm looking forward to the next one now. 2 in a row maybe?