Monday, May 15, 2006

That's a lot of commas

Ga-mer-a...Gaaa-mmmer-a...Guardian of the Uuu-ni-verse... sing along with me...GAAAAAAA-MMMMMERRR-AAAA.

Screw you. I'm trying to bring some excitement to your otherwise giant monster-less lives! And this is the response I get. Indifference! Hmph.

Well, I'm going to get to it, even if you don't care about my love of giant monsters. Speaking of which, did you see this? Lava Shark. Totally. The lava shark is going to emerge from Mt St Hellens and ravage Seattle. And I will be in love. No, I'm not kidding. I'm going to start the First United Church of the Lava Shark. I will worship it and sacrifice potatoes to it. I will write bad goth poetry about how I am so in love with the Lava Shark, but the slings and arrows stop him from truly loving me.

Back to the matter at hand though, Gamera: Guardian of the Universe. No, I wasn't singing it that time, just proper attribution. Right, the movie starts off like many monster movies do, at sea. A ship seemingly runs aground. But, they're out at sea! What the heck, some sort of atoll? We'll come back to that.

Meanwhile, giant prehistoric birds are attacking a small island. Where the hell did they come from??? And why are there glasses in their poop! Oh no! The professor!

Back at the atoll, there's an odd rock. Let's dig it up. It's a monolith, and there are commas EVERYWHERE! Let's take them. The excavators touch the monolith and it shatters, waking Gamera from his sleep.

The birds though are beginning to threaten Tokyo! We have to capture research them. Let's lure them into the retractable roof stadium with raw beef! And then shoot them! With tranquilizers, not bullets. They're trying to escape! Here comes Gamera! Kill him!

Wait, what? Gamera is on our side.

That's sort of the gist of the movie. It's fun. It's a fun movie. I need to see the next 2 in this particular trilogy. I need to get them and maybe make a night of it with Gamera and Godzilla. My two favorite monsters.

It occured to me though that we as Americans don't really make many giant monster movies. It seems that it's just not something that appeals to the masses here. I mean sure, there was Jurassic Park, which was KIND of a monster movie. Or the remake of King Kong, which was crap. And of course the American version of Godzilla, which wasn't bad, but would have been better had they not called it Godzilla. Maybe they could have called it...Jonathon.

I think we need more giant monsters though. Massive creatures who destroy cities and fight amongst themselves. And maybe they can fight big robots. Big robots with claws.