Zombie Rights!

The Republican Party has created a website where you can make suggestions for their political platform. This, naturally, is a horrible idea. Why? Well...for one thing, it means that I can submit something. Finally, an oportunity to have my voice heard and see if the GOP can adapt themselves in the modern world to become the kind of political idealists that I can get behind.

Filed under National Security: Military Policy

It's high time that someone took the initiative to ensure the safety of the American people (even the liberals and hippies) from the inevitable zombie apocalypse. What is being done? Do we, as a nation, have a plan to combat the rapid spread of the newly risen dead? What advice does the government have for us? Should we just resort to plastic sheeting and duct tape?

Is our military properly trained and ready to protect us from walking corpses? How will we handle our poor grandmothers rising from the grave and attacking us, rather that providing us with cookies and fresh apple pie?

It is this threat, and this threat alone, that we must prepare ourselves for. We must relax our current gun laws so that we can all be properly armed when the time comes. If I'm being chased by the living dead, I don't have time to wait 7 days before I can get a gun! I need one now!

And once the zombies are here, and the government has subdued the zombies through the use of force, and we've subjugated them, we'll need laws on the books to protect us from communists and necrophiliacs who will undoubtedly want to marry the wretched creatures! we must add a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between the living, and the living only! Before those patchouli stink ridden liberals decide otherwise!

It took two submissions (stupid 1000 character limit!), but finally, I can sleep at night knowing that the GOP is aware of my concerns and actively working to resolve them!

The Great Zombie Debate: Running vs Walking and why it doesn't matter

There's an ongoing debate among zombie fans, are they better represented by the slow moving zombie packs that have historically been the bread and butter of the genre, or is it not scarier to face the all out unrelenting horror of a creature that can outrun but not out think you?

When I think of zombies, one of the first thoughts to enter I mind in the slow, shambling mass of the recently dead. They're slow, sure, but they keep coming. You can stop one, but more will come after you. They don't have to be fast to be effective. They just keep coming. How can you outrun a creature that doesn't need to stop to rest or to eat or to drink or to shit? They just keep chasing you. Keep running, they'll be right behind you with a determination that more than makes up for their speed.

On the other hand, movies like 28 Days Later and Resident Evil and their sequels, as well as the Dawn of the Dead remake have helped to popularize the fast moving zombie. A creature of blind rage and hunger, it's only driving force is more food. And, as this is the case, it will stop at nothing to get to it's next meal. Running though glass and fire means nothing to it. It's a creature of pure hunger and adrenaline. It feels no pain and has no interest in hobbies or colorful lights. It can outrun you if you make the slightest mistake. Your only advantage is the ability to out think the creature.

Now, it's long been thought that zombies are a critique of our society. We, as in Western 'culture' are the undead. Conformists with a herd mentality. Zombies are the ultimate consumers. All they do is 'use up' what they have and go get more. They don't plan ahead. They don't save for a rainy day. All they do is consume, consume, consume. They ravage they're environment in a never ending quest to to fulfill a hunger that just never ends. They are us, and we are them. We are the zombies with our SUVs, our throw-away electronics, our credit cards and our take out. If the zombies have always been a thinly veiled criticism of us, is it any wonder that the new breed of zombie movies has upped the ante to include zombies that move faster?

In an age when Google can return untold amounts of information in less than a second and companies can be bought and sold in a day, is it any wonder that zombie have had to adapt to catch up? Life takes Visa, and any attempt to slow things down is met with derision by those behind you in line. No, it was imperative that zombies move faster lest they be brushed aside on the way to the mall. Slow zombies became the old man in the powder blue Buick with the Florida license plate doing ten under in the left lane.

We needed a zombie that could envelope our own fear of being overwhelmed by our own culture. Life moves too fast for most of us. Email, cell phones, the internet, 1000+ channel HD cable/satellite packages. It's overwhelming and the modern 'fast' zombie seeks to epitomize that. Suddenly the fear isn't of city life coming to the farthest reaches of rural American and devouring the life we once lived, no. No, the fear is that the speed at which we have to live to get by in modern society is going to overwhelm us.

What say you? Fast or slow? Why? Defend your position.

Holiday Survival

It's that time again. That day that we must all hold sacred. The day that may ultimately save your soul. It's the day we set aside each year for one thing and one thing only, Zombie Survival.

What? I'm pretty sure Jesus was a zombie. Hey, only two things come back from the dead...zombies and vampires. And, while I know all the "this is my blood" shit points to vampirism, here at 7dp, we're much more concerned with protecting you from unrelenting hordes of zombies. I mean, vampires can still get online and read the old blog here.

Most likely, you are spending at least part of your day locked in a bomb shelter with your favorite family members to protect yourself from the potential harm that zombies could do to your person. However, there is the possibility that you are stuck in a house with open doors and exposed windows because your family thinks zombies are another of your crazy fears. Just because they didn't believe Dr Grant about the velociraptors doesn't mean you shouldn't. And you shouldn't question your fear of zombies!

So, to protect yourself in an unsecured house, what should you do? Well, before mom finishes cooking the traditional Tofurkey, look around. How many potential exits or entrances are there? Locate them. Typically there are at least doors in a house, though there could be more if there is an attached garage. How many windows are there? How high off the ground are they? Zombies can't climb, so if they're high off the ground, they may be okay for a short amount of time. Not long though. Once the attack begins, each zombie you kill near that window serves to raise the ground level.

Does the house have a second floor? If you can take out the stairs, the second floor is much more secure. If this house doesn't, does one nearby have a second floor? Look for a home owned by someone who is at THEIR family's home, or someone who can be easily over powered. You don't want to be injured trying to take over someone's home, you'll need to be in good shape to keep yourself alive. Consider a home owned by someone's grandparents. Be careful in the south, the elderly may already be sitting on the porch with guns. Avoid them.

Good job. You've successfully invaded someone's home and established it as your new base of operations. It's time now to secure it. The trick here is to make it difficult not just to get inside, but to make it difficult to tell anyone is inside at all. Windows should be blocked with something heavy. Dressers or china cabinets work great for this. Tables make lousy barricades alone, but teamed up with an old recliner, they're much more stable and can block an entire window. Odds are against the power staying on for long, so don't forget that the fridge, once in place, is hard to move as well.

The first floor of your new base is secure, now to the second floor. Corral the family members that you think you can live with for the foreseeable future and get them upstairs. They probably hate you and your smug saving-them-from-the-zombie-attack-they-didn't-even-believe-in ass right now. This is normal. Keep them away from windows. The zombies will inevitably see them. Don't shove them out of the window either. You're trying NOT to alert the zombies to your presence. Lock your family in a bathroom or something. They'll be safe there, and as a bonus, away from you.

How many ways are there up to the second floor? The average home probably only has 1 staircase. You're going to need to destroy it. Hopefully there's a sledgehammer nearby, otherwise, this won't be much fun. Start with the bottom stair first and work your way up. You do not want to get caught at the bottom with no way up.

Speaking of no way up, did you check the basement? No? Dumbass. You're going to need to find some way to eliminate the basement as an entrance. There is too much shit in your average basement that could cause an "accident". Your furnace and hot water heater may be down there, either of which are potential fire hazards should a zombie start to stumble around. Not to mention all the hiding spots. Luckily, the windows down here are fairly small. they're also high off the ground, making them difficult to barricade but easy to crawl through.

Second level is secure. The first level, well, you did your best. The basement was a disaster, but hey, it doesn't hurt to hope for the best. All things considered, you're fairly secure now. Don't get me wrong, you're a chump if you think that the zombies won't get past your flimsy barriers. Trust me, your dumb ass uncle is going to draw their attention at some point. But look at it this way, until your inevitably violent death, you get to spend ALL of your time trapped in an enclosed area with only your relatives.

Hopefully death comes soon for you.

Happy Easter!

EDIT: 2010-5-20 This was submitted to the Your Best Post Blogathon at He Shot Cyrus.

In honor of the holiday

So, it's Easter today which is a celebration of the day that Jesus rose from the dead. We celbrate by nailing chocolate rabbits to crosses. You don't? Really? Well...hmm.

Anyways, in the spirit of the holiday, I'd like to talk about zombies. And why they scare me.

Zombies are slow. They can't think. They shouldn't be scary at all. But they are.

Zombies, of course, are the dead reanimated. Moving corpses with an insatiable hunger for human flesh, or brains but generally flesh. Nothing seems to be interested in eating brains anymore. So, zombies are a very specialized predator. A predator designed to be the new top of the food chain. Of course the downside to their bloodlust is that they eat and eat all they can, but cannot digest their food. So, rotting flesh piles in their stomach until it bursts. Which brings us to the next part...

Zombies don't feel pain. Step on a thumb tack and you jump up, grabbing your foot. It hurts! Zombies don't care about thumb tacks. Or broken glass. Or fire or barbed wire. Shoot a zombie's leg and it crawls toward you. It doesn't care.

And this is what scares me the most, they're unrelenting. They just keep coming. Kill one and more appear. You keep running, they keep chasing. You think you outrun them, then no, they're still giving chace. It lulls you into a false sense of security.

And it's not just one zombie. It never is. It's a mob, groaning, clawing at your walls, trying to get to you. They're always there. 24 hours a day until something happens. Either they die on their own, which does eventually happen, or more likely, they get to you. They either break in becaue fo their unrelenting assault, or you screw up and get sloppy.

In a zombie attack, the odds are against your survival.

So, Happy Easter everyone!