Monday, March 31, 2008

Monster Movie Poster Monday

Back in town for a couple of weeks now, so it's time to rededicate myself to...well...myself, I guess? Aw, hell. I don't know. I guess it's a fancy way of saying that I missed you, or something. Maybe I don't know what I'm saying at all. It's hard to say.

I was supposed to visit a friend of mine this evening and she wanted to watch some Godzilla. I asked her which one, and she said 'one with Mothra.' Again, I asked 'which one?'

Regardless, she found herself quite ill today and was on her way to get herself checked out and needed to postpone our Godzilla / Mothra slugfest. For her though, I post this Mothra poster and hope that she feels better soon.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

holy fucking hell that was awesome

I'm really not inclined to review any movies at the moment. I just don't have the time for it. Sorry. I'm trying to just keep writing.

Regardless, I went to see Doomsday last weekend. Ho.Lee.Shit. Yes.

There is absolutely NOTHING plausible about this movie. Nothing. Cybernetic video recording eyeballs? Yeah. Cars exploding for no real reason? Hell yeah.

Doomsday is 100%, turn your brain off for 2 hours entertainment. It's fucking fun as all hell. I can't wait to get the DVD when it comes out.

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

It's more of a public service announcement

Last night I was afforded the...and I use this term lightly...opportunity to see the remake of Day of the Dead. I say 'remake' because that's what the called it. Make no mistake though, this is not really a remake. This is an entirely different movie with very few similarities to the original. In fact, let's count them...the both have military, that's really about it.

And, the fact of the matter is...the movie is BAD. And not in the kind of way that Raging Sharks or Octopus 2: River of Fear or Shark Attack 3:Megaladon is bad. No. There is no enjoyment to be found here. The only fun part about it is talking about how bad it is. The movie just...makes no sense. It's fucking ridiculous. And, it made me wish I was doing any number of things that would have been much more interesting or fun...

I could have been watching House of the Dead...(yes, this movie actually made me wish I was watching a Uwe Boll movie...)

I could have been doing laundry...and counting the number of times that the machine spins the laundry around during the wash cycle...

I could have been counting the blades of grass outside my apartment building...

I could have compiled a list of things that would be more fun that the movie...

I could have watched someone play Knights of the Old Republic II...

Any of these would have been more interesting than Day of the Dead. It was so bad that I consider it my duty to warn everyone I know to stay away from this movie. Just ignore it. Pretend it doesn't exist. If you see it on the street, and it comes up to you claiming to be an old friend, lie and say you went to school in Saskatchewan and it couldn't have possibly been you that it loaned that money to.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Great Movie Gadgets Part 3: Raging Sharks

You know what else I love about movies? A good gadget or prop. There's just something about taking a lot of nothing and turning it into something more. I love it. And it's fun to try to figure them out.

Ok, fair enough, it's not a 'gadget', it's just a piece of paper. It is this piece of paper, however, that serves as a linchpin to the 'plot' of Raging Sharks. This innocent looking sheet of paper is the report that shows the contents of a sharks stomach, allowing the discovery of a space chemical capable of cold fusion...or something.

This a minute...what's that?

That can't really be...

A report in HTML?

GOOGLE??? Hey! Wait a minute! This isn't a report! This is a printout of some Google page source! You just did a printout of a search for great white sharks and hydocarbons and printed it out! All right, Raging Sharks, I'll let you slide this time, but next time, I better not see thes kind of shenanigans from you!


Yeah, that's right, 2 posts, feel the love.


It's Tuesday, March 18th, and that can only mean one thing...a large portion of America is pissing green after their St Patrick's Day revelry. However, that has nothing to do with why we're here today.Today is the day of the


The fine folks at Final Girl industries made the instructions easy to follow...

That was on the back of my anti-cynicism pills...

Ok, that raises a question then. What the hell DOES fill me with, ahem, "complete and total unbridled fucking retarded JOY" when it comes to movies?

Godzilla, Gamera and other giant monsters

Seriously. If you call me up and say 'Dude, I found this movie. It's got a big fuck off monster in it that destroys a city, you want to come over and watch it?' I will first ask who the hell you are and how you got my phone number, then I will ask if you want me to grab some beer on my way over. The Academy can have their awards and their classy pictures...give me a guy in a rubber monster suit or some CGI abomination any day.


I did a whole damn Shark Week last year and loved every minute of it. It doesn't even have to be a GOOD shark movie. I don't really care. I could watch stock footage of sharks eating fish and a bad story about genetic mutation going on and fucking LOVE it. Anything from the good (Jaws) to the bad (Raging Sharks, Shark Attack 3), it doesn't matter. I love them all the same.

turday Nights on SciFi

Ok, they're absolutely AWFUL movies. Bad plots, bad acting, worse effects, it doesn't matter though. On any given Saturday afternoon or evening, you know that whatever is on is going to be absolutely awful but might just be entertaining as all hell. Attack of the Sabertooth, Chupacabra Terror...come on! How can you not get a kick out of movies like that? No Country For Old Men may have one an Oscar, but it wasn't FUN. You have to remember the point of watching a be entertained. And sometimes, just sometimes, you have to put your brain on pause and just let yourself go and enjoy something bad. Because remember, someone made this movie and thought it was GOOD.

"This is the worst movie I've ever seen"

If you utter this phrase around me, I will inevitably mention some movie that is even worse. It's just the way it goes. However, I will want to see just how bad this movie was. And that's pretty much the story of how I saw Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. Yeah, not the bed that eats PEOPLE or anything like that, just The Bed That Eats. And it does. It eats people, some apples, a bottle of wine, some pepto...hell, it eats anything it can get...except a knife. The knife passes right through it. And somehow, people don't find this COMPLETELY awesome?

All of this is just a long winded way of saying that I dig bad movies. I have for as long as I can remember. My father used to harass me for it (all the while he loved his cheesy Stony man novels, takes all kinds I guess). I worked at a video store for a couple years in high school and college and, you know, I'd watch almost anything. If I could sit down and just let go of reality to watch a movie that had more holes than swiss cheese, then my day was perfect. It would be all I needed. To this day, when the weight of the world feels like it's all resting on my shoulders, watching Corbin Bernsen phone in a performance as a submarine captain is enough to put a smile on my face.

100% Pure Bulgarian Awesome.

Monday, March 17, 2008

Monster Movie Poster Monday

Yeah, I know. I'm one of the only people you know who actually liked the movie. Here you go though, 1998's American Godzilla.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

It's a tribute to himself

When you get right down to it, George Lucas has made a career of, essentially, living in the past, hasn't he? American Graffiti, his homage to the 1950's. Star Wars and Indiana Jones, his homages to the scifi and adventure serials he enjoyed as a child... Is it any surprise then that he keeps mining the same material?

In that regard, can't the prequel trilogy just be thought of as his 'loving homage' to the Star Wars movies of the 70s and 80s? So too would his new 'Clone Wars' movie be a tribute to the prequels of a few years ago.

Let's face it, the man has nothing left. What has he done that has been the least bit original in the past 20 years? He just keeps digging into the same well. Indiana Jones, Star Wars...he's got nothing else.

And, don't get me wrong, I've enjoyed his creative bankruptcy as much as anyone. I like the prequels. And, I'm excited about the new Indiana Jones movie, hell, I just watched the first 3 movies over the weekend. It doesn't mean, however, that I'm ok with this continuing trend.

Monday, March 03, 2008

Monster Movie Poster Monday

I know I haven't been fulfilling my end of the bargain here...I try, but if I'm out of town, I can't always get something up when I want to.

This week it's the German poster for Godzilla vs Monster Zero.