Thursday, February 22, 2007

7 Dollar Popcorn Presents the 7 Dollar Popcorn FILMuary Spectacular: 28 Days of Movie Mayhem Day 22: Sequel Edition - Open Water 2: Adrift

In a rare one two punch it's 7 Dollar Popcorn Presents the 7 Dollar Popcorn FILMuary Spectacular: 28 Days of Movie Mayhem Sequel Edition of Open Water 2: Adrift.

Starts off with a crappy home video. Then, 5 years later it's a reunion in Mexico. Reminds me just a bit of how they got together in The Descent. It's a reunion. Five years after college or something, these old friends are getting back together.

So, there are 6 of them. The asshole, the slut, the mom, the dad, the birthday guy and the girl. Oh! And there's a baby! So, slightly more than six.

They go out on the asshole's boat and once out at sea, decide to go swimming. Except the mom, who is afraid of the water, and the asshole who eventually throws the mom in the water. Asshole. This causes a flash back to an "incident" that is presumably the root of her phobia. Once all six of them are in the water they realize that no one put the ladder down. This leaves them not only stranded in the water, but it also leaves the baby alone on the boat.

Didn't these jerks see the first movie? Jumping in without thinking! Fuck that man! You have to think before you jump...unless you're some sort of an asshole.

Soon the slut feels something against her leg. Immediately she thinks shark. And, something really cool happens, there is a little bit of music that is just a little reminiscent of Jaws. Just enough to make you think about it without infringing on someone's copyright. The slut continues to freak out, trying to steal the mom's life vest, praying, assuming she'll die. And you know, it's not to think how nice it will be if she does.

A cell phone rings, and they manage to answer it, but the phone gets wet in the process of getting it off the boat. The next plan involves "nuding up" aka making a rope out of their shorts. Which tears JUST before the birthday dude is able to climb aboard. However, it is at this time that we encounter out first...injury. The dad hit his head underneath the boat. The first assumption in a skull fracture. Obviously.

Then, birthday dude starts trying to use the knife to try and climb up the boat, asshole freaks out and birthday dude gets stabbed in the gut. He's bleeding everywhere and at this point, I REALLY want asshole to die. And then the slut goes missing. When the asshole finds her, she's dead. Drowned. Pretty eventful five minutes.

So that leaves us with asshole, mom, skull fracture, bloody gut and the girl. Oh! and the baby on the boat.

Yes, I'm changing their names. And I'm sure birthday dude isn't thinking about his birthday anymore. He's thinking about his bloody gut. Well, only for a little while. Bloody gut dies pretty quickly after the injury. And then comes the giant fucking pity party. And I want everyone to die that much more.

The girl decides to swim for it because "it's just not her to die treading water." I hope you get eaten by a barracuda! Well, fuck you too. She leaves mom, skull fracture and asshole behind. When skull fracture dies after it begins raining, you want to feel sad. Well, I wanted to feel sad, and the movie wants you to feel sad. Meanwhile, asshole is looking for a knife that they've drifted god knows how far from at the bottom of the ocean! What a joke! But he feels guilty. And feels that he has to do something. Whatever. It's like this half hearted attempt at redemption that really just seems more awkward than anything. All but one of his choices is just completely selfish. Even in his apparent suicide attempt...who else could operate the boat? Asshole!

The thing about this movie that really drove me nuts is that no one made reasonable choices. Everyone turns on each other for no reason. The attack each other for no real reason other than they suck. The characters suck. I wanted to see them all die. Much more horrifically than they really did.

Aside from that, I liked this movie. Sure, I hated the characters, but that's better than being indifferent. The story was kinda sad in the way it was intended to be. The situation that these people find themselves in is pretty horrific. Even in comparison to the first movie. I mean, what's worse, not seeing help for miles, or knowing that salvation is only 12 inches beyond your reach.

Personally, I'm hoping that the inevitable Open Water 3 is the story of the 1945 disaster of the USS Indianapolis. Remember Quint's story about it in Jaws? That would be a sweet movie. And then you could, for a third consecutive movie in the series used the "based on actual events" bullshit.

Open Water 2: Adrift gets 7 Our Fathers while freaking out at sea out of 10.