Friday, July 11, 2008

Zombie Rights!

The Republican Party has created a website where you can make suggestions for their political platform. This, naturally, is a horrible idea. Why? Well...for one thing, it means that I can submit something. Finally, an oportunity to have my voice heard and see if the GOP can adapt themselves in the modern world to become the kind of political idealists that I can get behind.

Filed under National Security: Military Policy

It's high time that someone took the initiative to ensure the safety of the American people (even the liberals and hippies) from the inevitable zombie apocalypse. What is being done? Do we, as a nation, have a plan to combat the rapid spread of the newly risen dead? What advice does the government have for us? Should we just resort to plastic sheeting and duct tape?

Is our military properly trained and ready to protect us from walking corpses? How will we handle our poor grandmothers rising from the grave and attacking us, rather that providing us with cookies and fresh apple pie?

It is this threat, and this threat alone, that we must prepare ourselves for. We must relax our current gun laws so that we can all be properly armed when the time comes. If I'm being chased by the living dead, I don't have time to wait 7 days before I can get a gun! I need one now!

And once the zombies are here, and the government has subdued the zombies through the use of force, and we've subjugated them, we'll need laws on the books to protect us from communists and necrophiliacs who will undoubtedly want to marry the wretched creatures! we must add a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between the living, and the living only! Before those patchouli stink ridden liberals decide otherwise!

It took two submissions (stupid 1000 character limit!), but finally, I can sleep at night knowing that the GOP is aware of my concerns and actively working to resolve them!


Anonymous said...

Well the Republicans seem to be much better at protecting us from imaginary threats ("Star Wars" program, gay marriage, illegal immigrants) than from real ones (Al Qaeda, global warming)... so I fully expect to see this on their platform at the convention.

Unknown said...

I realize I come from a small minority of voters who list 'Zombie Apocalypse' at the top of their list of national concerns, but if the republicans will keep me safe, then I'll vote for them.

Unknown said... I won't

elgringo said...

It's about DAMN TIME!
Thank you, dreamrot.

Also, we should be preparing for a dragon comeback. My right knee swells whenever America's in danger of a dragon attack and this morning it was hard getting my pants on.