I wasn't exactly a Dennis Hopper fan

Dennis Hopper passed away. I wasn't a big fan. In fact, I can only think of two movies I liked him in. This was one of them.

I have to admit

I think Survival of the Dead is an utterly ridiculous title.

It doesn't mean that I don't want to see it though. I mean, it's Romero...and zombies. And, even though I may not have loved his last effort, I still want to see the new one.

[Trailer]

Zombie Rights!

The Republican Party has created a website where you can make suggestions for their political platform. This, naturally, is a horrible idea. Why? Well...for one thing, it means that I can submit something. Finally, an oportunity to have my voice heard and see if the GOP can adapt themselves in the modern world to become the kind of political idealists that I can get behind.

Filed under National Security: Military Policy

It's high time that someone took the initiative to ensure the safety of the American people (even the liberals and hippies) from the inevitable zombie apocalypse. What is being done? Do we, as a nation, have a plan to combat the rapid spread of the newly risen dead? What advice does the government have for us? Should we just resort to plastic sheeting and duct tape?

Is our military properly trained and ready to protect us from walking corpses? How will we handle our poor grandmothers rising from the grave and attacking us, rather that providing us with cookies and fresh apple pie?

It is this threat, and this threat alone, that we must prepare ourselves for. We must relax our current gun laws so that we can all be properly armed when the time comes. If I'm being chased by the living dead, I don't have time to wait 7 days before I can get a gun! I need one now!

And once the zombies are here, and the government has subdued the zombies through the use of force, and we've subjugated them, we'll need laws on the books to protect us from communists and necrophiliacs who will undoubtedly want to marry the wretched creatures! we must add a constitutional amendment defining marriage as between the living, and the living only! Before those patchouli stink ridden liberals decide otherwise!

It took two submissions (stupid 1000 character limit!), but finally, I can sleep at night knowing that the GOP is aware of my concerns and actively working to resolve them!

It's more of a public service announcement

Last night I was afforded the...and I use this term lightly...opportunity to see the remake of Day of the Dead. I say 'remake' because that's what the called it. Make no mistake though, this is not really a remake. This is an entirely different movie with very few similarities to the original. In fact, let's count them...the title....um...the both have military personnel...and...um...well, that's really about it.

And, the fact of the matter is...the movie is BAD. And not in the kind of way that Raging Sharks or Octopus 2: River of Fear or Shark Attack 3:Megaladon is bad. No. There is no enjoyment to be found here. The only fun part about it is talking about how bad it is. The movie just...makes no sense. It's fucking ridiculous. And, it made me wish I was doing any number of things that would have been much more interesting or fun...

I could have been watching House of the Dead...(yes, this movie actually made me wish I was watching a Uwe Boll movie...)

I could have been doing laundry...and counting the number of times that the machine spins the laundry around during the wash cycle...

I could have been counting the blades of grass outside my apartment building...

I could have compiled a list of things that would be more fun that the movie...

I could have watched someone play Knights of the Old Republic II...

Any of these would have been more interesting than Day of the Dead. It was so bad that I consider it my duty to warn everyone I know to stay away from this movie. Just ignore it. Pretend it doesn't exist. If you see it on the street, and it comes up to you claiming to be an old friend, lie and say you went to school in Saskatchewan and it couldn't have possibly been you that it loaned that money to.

The Great Zombie Debate: Running vs Walking and why it doesn't matter

There's an ongoing debate among zombie fans, are they better represented by the slow moving zombie packs that have historically been the bread and butter of the genre, or is it not scarier to face the all out unrelenting horror of a creature that can outrun but not out think you?

When I think of zombies, one of the first thoughts to enter I mind in the slow, shambling mass of the recently dead. They're slow, sure, but they keep coming. You can stop one, but more will come after you. They don't have to be fast to be effective. They just keep coming. How can you outrun a creature that doesn't need to stop to rest or to eat or to drink or to shit? They just keep chasing you. Keep running, they'll be right behind you with a determination that more than makes up for their speed.

On the other hand, movies like 28 Days Later and Resident Evil and their sequels, as well as the Dawn of the Dead remake have helped to popularize the fast moving zombie. A creature of blind rage and hunger, it's only driving force is more food. And, as this is the case, it will stop at nothing to get to it's next meal. Running though glass and fire means nothing to it. It's a creature of pure hunger and adrenaline. It feels no pain and has no interest in hobbies or colorful lights. It can outrun you if you make the slightest mistake. Your only advantage is the ability to out think the creature.

Now, it's long been thought that zombies are a critique of our society. We, as in Western 'culture' are the undead. Conformists with a herd mentality. Zombies are the ultimate consumers. All they do is 'use up' what they have and go get more. They don't plan ahead. They don't save for a rainy day. All they do is consume, consume, consume. They ravage they're environment in a never ending quest to to fulfill a hunger that just never ends. They are us, and we are them. We are the zombies with our SUVs, our throw-away electronics, our credit cards and our take out. If the zombies have always been a thinly veiled criticism of us, is it any wonder that the new breed of zombie movies has upped the ante to include zombies that move faster?

In an age when Google can return untold amounts of information in less than a second and companies can be bought and sold in a day, is it any wonder that zombie have had to adapt to catch up? Life takes Visa, and any attempt to slow things down is met with derision by those behind you in line. No, it was imperative that zombies move faster lest they be brushed aside on the way to the mall. Slow zombies became the old man in the powder blue Buick with the Florida license plate doing ten under in the left lane.

We needed a zombie that could envelope our own fear of being overwhelmed by our own culture. Life moves too fast for most of us. Email, cell phones, the internet, 1000+ channel HD cable/satellite packages. It's overwhelming and the modern 'fast' zombie seeks to epitomize that. Suddenly the fear isn't of city life coming to the farthest reaches of rural American and devouring the life we once lived, no. No, the fear is that the speed at which we have to live to get by in modern society is going to overwhelm us.

What say you? Fast or slow? Why? Defend your position.

Two in the chest, one in the balls. That's whay I say.

In an effort to show how relevant I am to the times, here I am on new release Tuesday talking about a movie that comes out on DVD today. How topical!

You hear about a movie with a title like Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane, and inevitably you think at least one of the following three thoughts:

1) Is this a sequel to Outbreak? Do you think they got the same monkey to come back? Probably not. Fucking prima donna monkey probably wanted a huge trailer this time around.

2) This is going to be terrible. I wonder HOW terrible...

3) I have to see this.

If you're me however, it's all three.

It all starts with a pretty kick ass opening song and credits over some CGI internal organs. The song itself it pretty sweet, I actually ind of wish I knew what it was. From here it's onto a quick cliche check.

Flight attendents excited to see the 'sights' in Paris? Check.

Top secret government cargo? Check.

A retiring pilot flying his last flight? Check.

And this is only five minutes in! Well, into the movie of course, we're actually HOURS into the flight. Lets just say the plane is much closer to Paris than New York. But, there's a big storm forcing them to divert course. Of course the storm naturally 'shifts' the cargo, releasing the experiment. The cargo is a woman. Well, it was. The guard somehow has an automatic weapon on the plane and shoots the reanimated woman. She then comes back to life and kills the dude.

Quick passenger rundown now. You've got two pairs of horny teenagers who serve no purpose. A professional golfer. A cop transporting a prisoner. And a creepy guy who turns out to be a TSA agent. Overall, the plane is MAYBE half full.

All the turbulence is really beating the folks up. And our captain thinks someone should check on the 'cargo'...meanwhile, the turbulance has forced our cop to hit his head, knocking him out and letting his prisoner escape.

Of course, the zombie attacks and kills the people investigating. So, lets send more investigators! The TSA agent and the cop are going into the hold to look for the escaped prisoner. Normally, one would that that one of them will get bit and make it back up to the passenger deck to spread the disease. Is that what happens? No. Both make it out of the cargo hold without a bite.

They do get into a fight with the zombies in cargo though. And the TSA guy MISSES the zombie and hits a flight attendant on the passenger deck. And the first zombie makes it up out o f the cargo hold and attacked a different flight attendant. There's only one flight attendant left now.


Ok, you know how when zombies come out of the grave they do that hands through the dirt thing? They totally do that throught the floor of them plane. It was at this point that I decided that I love this movie!


For all of it's cliches, FotLD is one hell of a fun movie. My biggest complaint is the story line about the teens who are going to Paris and the stupid love triangle thing going on. There was no point to it other than to kill a little bit of time. It was fairly useless.

7 nuns praying in coach only to be devoured by zombies out of 10.

We interupt our regular scheduled programming

I'm just happy to see someone finally gets it.

There's just something beautifully tragic about carpet bombing a city to protect yourself from zombies

28 Days Later is one of the best movies I've never gotten around to seeing again. Seriously. Top of the list. Right up there with that other movie I loved and never got around to watching again. You know, the one with that guy. Right, and the girl, and they do that thing. Loved it. With the live octopus! Awesome. I totally need to watch it again.

You see, it's in that echelon of flicks, man. Top tier. It's like the Grey Goose of movies and here I was, expecting a Mohawk kind of sequel. Wow was I wrong.

It starts in a cottage. There's this group of people struggling to survive. It's unknown how long they've been there. Hell, the way they have the house boarded up there's no indication of what time of day it is! It all seems pretty secure. They've obviously been there for some time and have a pretty good idea of what they're doing. Until the neighbor kid shows up. Fucking fucktard gets them to open the door! What's wrong with you people! Kids can't fend for themselves. You now have to look out for them AND yourself. And you know what that means? Do you? No? Let me tell you, it means that when the zombies bust through your goddamn windows, someone you love is going to DIE to protect some strange kid who eats all your pasta without a fucking fork. That's what it means!

Over the river and through the woods...

Luckily for our story, Robert Carlyle (aka Don) manages to escape leaving the wreckage of his shelter and life behind in a beautifully shot chase through the English countryside. And as we roll the opening credits we learn that we're 15 days into the initial infection. The credits also serve to bring you up to date. London has been cleared of zombies and the US Army is in charge.

It's been six months since the outbreak and people are slowly starting to be brought back into London. Among the first groups are two kids. They're Don's kids. And while the military's chief medical officer isn't a fan of the idea, they're being reunited with their dad. It's not that she's some frigid bitch who hates kids or anything, it's just that, well, kids act like kids. They do dumb shit that you can't plan for...like BREAK QUARANTINE TO FIND PICTURES OF THEIR DEAD MOM!

Exactly. Stupid fucking kids. See. This is what happens. They just think they can get away with whatever they want. By breaking quarantine they manage to find their mom. Infected, but not dead and not as zombied (yes zombied, I said it. I'm making my own words as I need them today) as the others. The military is perplexed but not curious enough to want to keep her alive. The kids, however, are super pissed. See, dad told them he saw mom die and that there was nothing that he could do. So, he has to go try to see her, you know, to make amends. Which he does. And the retard KISSES her! Who kisses a zombie? What the fuck is wrong with you? Kissing exchanges saliva, so you know what happens now Don? Do you? You're fucked. That's what happens now! You go on a bloody rampage. Now get out of here! Ok, fine. Kill your wife first. Ok, crush her eyes with your thumbs. Are you done? Ok, good. Get out of here. Go on a rampage that looks like a Radiohead music video.

Of course the military has a plan. And since it's a movie being made in 2007 and it's the US military it's god-fucking-awful. Hear me out. Lets round up as many civilians as we can. Now lets crowd them all into a goddamn subway stop, you with me? Good. Now, lock the goddamn door they went in through. Just that one. Not the side door. Next? Cut the lights. This way, when Zombi-fucking-fied Don all too conveniently finds his kid the shitstorm can begin with the most possible carnage!

(By the way, if the military ever, EVER tries to protect you from a zombie attack by herding you into a small space with your neighbors like cattle...make them shoot you. I't bound to be more pleasant than what's too come. Also, introduce yourself to everyone you can. There's no telling who the main character is in a situation like that and your odds of survival increase dramatically if the audience knows your name.)

Thank god there are snipers and machine guns outside. Not that it does any goddamn good, but at least they're trying. The kids manage to escape death with the help of the medical officer, a sniper named Doyle and a handful of stranger who don't get names since they'll be dead soon anyways.

The plan from here is to catch a ride from a friendly helicopter pilot and get to France or something. The problem is that there's a shit ton of zombies and the pilot's sense of duty in the way. So, just a few minor fucking roadblocks. Oh, and there's the inevitable face off with dad. That doesn't seem obvious at any point in the movie. At all. Ever.

If you didn't get the vodka analogy, you've obviously puked on the side of Detroit's freeways a few less times than me, but that's okay, I'll be a little less veiled in my praise. I liked this movie. As sequels go, really good. As zombie movies go, really good. I walked out of there feeling sorry for the Day of the Dead remake, because you have to stop and think, how many good zombie flicks can really come out in a year? Not enough. That's how many.

There were a lot of chase scenes, which makes sense, but chases can get boring. Luckily they did a wonderful job of shooting the chases to keep them not only interesting but pleasing to look at. I mean, there was something in the camera work that was just beautiful about them. Visually captivating. There we go. That's a good phrase for it.

The tone is worth mentioning too. Where the first movie oozed isolation from every frame, this one has a much different tone. London doesn't feel desolate and abandoned. It feels desperate and afraid. The streets don't feel empty, they feel feral. There's just this feeling of hopelessness that seems to permeate the film.

Robert Carlyle was great. From loving husband, to coward to brave and caring father to loving husband to zombie, the man did it all. Catherine McCormack was great as well. Episode II's Rose Byrne was good as the medical officer and Jeremy Renner was great as the hooker with the heart of gold. Sniper. Not hooker. Sorry.

And the two kids! Imogen Poots and Mackintosh Muggleton. Good enough actors, but more importantly, read those names again! If I were them, I'd probably hate my parents and hide my birth certificate!

My biggest complaints were 1) the ending. It was a little less open ended than I would have liked. (Juan Carlos Fresnadillo, less is more sometimes, my friend, less is more. It's okay to simply imply things). And 2) Robert Carlyle's over use. He kept popping up in the most coincidentally convenient places. I mean, he's this zombie and he's on a mad dash for food and mayhem (or whatever these rage filled zombies want) and he keeps popping up near his kids (his son specifically). It was too unlikely. It just didn't really work for me.

Minor flaws aside, this was a great movie. And I have to say that I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoyed the first movie, zombie movies or horror movies in general. All and all, it's a solid 8 code reds executed from within your secure bunker out of 10.

Holiday Survival

It's that time again. That day that we must all hold sacred. The day that may ultimately save your soul. It's the day we set aside each year for one thing and one thing only, Zombie Survival.

What? I'm pretty sure Jesus was a zombie. Hey, only two things come back from the dead...zombies and vampires. And, while I know all the "this is my blood" shit points to vampirism, here at 7dp, we're much more concerned with protecting you from unrelenting hordes of zombies. I mean, vampires can still get online and read the old blog here.

Most likely, you are spending at least part of your day locked in a bomb shelter with your favorite family members to protect yourself from the potential harm that zombies could do to your person. However, there is the possibility that you are stuck in a house with open doors and exposed windows because your family thinks zombies are another of your crazy fears. Just because they didn't believe Dr Grant about the velociraptors doesn't mean you shouldn't. And you shouldn't question your fear of zombies!

So, to protect yourself in an unsecured house, what should you do? Well, before mom finishes cooking the traditional Tofurkey, look around. How many potential exits or entrances are there? Locate them. Typically there are at least doors in a house, though there could be more if there is an attached garage. How many windows are there? How high off the ground are they? Zombies can't climb, so if they're high off the ground, they may be okay for a short amount of time. Not long though. Once the attack begins, each zombie you kill near that window serves to raise the ground level.

Does the house have a second floor? If you can take out the stairs, the second floor is much more secure. If this house doesn't, does one nearby have a second floor? Look for a home owned by someone who is at THEIR family's home, or someone who can be easily over powered. You don't want to be injured trying to take over someone's home, you'll need to be in good shape to keep yourself alive. Consider a home owned by someone's grandparents. Be careful in the south, the elderly may already be sitting on the porch with guns. Avoid them.

Good job. You've successfully invaded someone's home and established it as your new base of operations. It's time now to secure it. The trick here is to make it difficult not just to get inside, but to make it difficult to tell anyone is inside at all. Windows should be blocked with something heavy. Dressers or china cabinets work great for this. Tables make lousy barricades alone, but teamed up with an old recliner, they're much more stable and can block an entire window. Odds are against the power staying on for long, so don't forget that the fridge, once in place, is hard to move as well.

The first floor of your new base is secure, now to the second floor. Corral the family members that you think you can live with for the foreseeable future and get them upstairs. They probably hate you and your smug saving-them-from-the-zombie-attack-they-didn't-even-believe-in ass right now. This is normal. Keep them away from windows. The zombies will inevitably see them. Don't shove them out of the window either. You're trying NOT to alert the zombies to your presence. Lock your family in a bathroom or something. They'll be safe there, and as a bonus, away from you.

How many ways are there up to the second floor? The average home probably only has 1 staircase. You're going to need to destroy it. Hopefully there's a sledgehammer nearby, otherwise, this won't be much fun. Start with the bottom stair first and work your way up. You do not want to get caught at the bottom with no way up.

Speaking of no way up, did you check the basement? No? Dumbass. You're going to need to find some way to eliminate the basement as an entrance. There is too much shit in your average basement that could cause an "accident". Your furnace and hot water heater may be down there, either of which are potential fire hazards should a zombie start to stumble around. Not to mention all the hiding spots. Luckily, the windows down here are fairly small. they're also high off the ground, making them difficult to barricade but easy to crawl through.

Second level is secure. The first level, well, you did your best. The basement was a disaster, but hey, it doesn't hurt to hope for the best. All things considered, you're fairly secure now. Don't get me wrong, you're a chump if you think that the zombies won't get past your flimsy barriers. Trust me, your dumb ass uncle is going to draw their attention at some point. But look at it this way, until your inevitably violent death, you get to spend ALL of your time trapped in an enclosed area with only your relatives.

Hopefully death comes soon for you.

Happy Easter!

EDIT: 2010-5-20 This was submitted to the Your Best Post Blogathon at He Shot Cyrus.

In honor of the holiday

So, it's Easter today which is a celebration of the day that Jesus rose from the dead. We celbrate by nailing chocolate rabbits to crosses. You don't? Really? Well...hmm.

Anyways, in the spirit of the holiday, I'd like to talk about zombies. And why they scare me.

Zombies are slow. They can't think. They shouldn't be scary at all. But they are.

Zombies, of course, are the dead reanimated. Moving corpses with an insatiable hunger for human flesh, or brains but generally flesh. Nothing seems to be interested in eating brains anymore. So, zombies are a very specialized predator. A predator designed to be the new top of the food chain. Of course the downside to their bloodlust is that they eat and eat all they can, but cannot digest their food. So, rotting flesh piles in their stomach until it bursts. Which brings us to the next part...

Zombies don't feel pain. Step on a thumb tack and you jump up, grabbing your foot. It hurts! Zombies don't care about thumb tacks. Or broken glass. Or fire or barbed wire. Shoot a zombie's leg and it crawls toward you. It doesn't care.

And this is what scares me the most, they're unrelenting. They just keep coming. Kill one and more appear. You keep running, they keep chasing. You think you outrun them, then no, they're still giving chace. It lulls you into a false sense of security.

And it's not just one zombie. It never is. It's a mob, groaning, clawing at your walls, trying to get to you. They're always there. 24 hours a day until something happens. Either they die on their own, which does eventually happen, or more likely, they get to you. They either break in becaue fo their unrelenting assault, or you screw up and get sloppy.

In a zombie attack, the odds are against your survival.

So, Happy Easter everyone!