Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Shark Week: Welcome to the Shark Zone

You know where you are?
You're in the shark zone, baby!
You're gonna die
In the shark zone!
Welcome to the shark zone
Watch it bring you to your didn't see you*awkward*

Shark Week! Right! Shark Zone! I watched Shark Zone! Starring no one I've ever heard of and directed by the auteur who made the classic Raging Sharks. I have to admit, that alone gave me high hopes for this one.

Do you really care about the plot when it comes to a movie like this? Or do you just watch the Nu Image logo appear on the screen and kind of brace yourself and hope for the best?

Ok, take Jaws, replace Brody with a guy who's dad died ten years ago and put him in charge of keeping a California beach safe. And, instead of 1 shark there is a school of Great Whites, despite the fact that sharks aren't schooling fish and great whites are lone hunters. And then, replace Hooper with a group of drunk dive instructors. Oh and diamond hunting. So, it's a low budget Jaws with Russians who are looking for diamonds. Russian mobsters who are looking for diamonds.

I always hate this kind of shit though. Where sharks in these movies act contrary to actual shark behavior, but it's not presented as abnormal. A 'school' of great whites is such a bunch of bullshit, but they talk about it like it;s the most normal thing in the world. Then again, this isn't a movie that prides itself on logic. This is a movie who's central plot point is a sunken Spanish ship near San Francisco.

And why the fuck is it that the best way to get someone to help you in movies like this is to kidnap their kid? I mean, a guy turns down $50,000 so lets make him more helpful by kidnapping his kid. You know what? Fuck you. Kill the kid*. Kill me. I wouldn't fucking help you at that point. I'd call the cops. Of course, I reside in a world of logic and not a world of cliche. And you know what? Why couldn't he just show these guys where to go on the map? What's the big deal? Sure, he doesn't want to go there, but why does it matter to him if someone else wants to risk their lives to go look for the dumb ship? Why does he have to wait for his kid to get kidnapped to popint on a damn MAP? Of course, if he wasn't there on the ship, the mad Russian mobster couldn't force him to dive in to retrieve the diamonds, and then what? Well, the story just wouldn't make much sense then would it?

But what about Shark Zone DOES make sense? I mean, the whole problem is that there are these crazed sharks at the ship wreck and in the end Jim defeats the mobsters. How does solving one problem fix the other? No one can say. All I know is that they end up on a cruise ship...and I was paying attention!

No one watches movies like this for the coherent plot though (or the acting...). The real question is, was it enjoyable? On any level? I guess so. I mean, I've seen worse. I certainly wouldn't recommend it to anyone. Well, maybe someone I didn't really like. Then again, I'm not in the habit of suggesting movies to people I don't like. It was pretty much as awful as you might expect. 4 sharks eating four windsurfers out of 10.

*Ok. Maybe I wouldn't sacrifice the kid. Myself yes. Kicking my ass and threatening me isn't the best way to ask for my help.