Monday, January 15, 2007

FGFC: Killing with a garden claw...I never thought of that.

It will inevitably be asked at some point, what I did this weekend. Well, let me tell you.

I rocked out.

You see, I'm something of a "hero" when it comes to playing the "guitar" or, gee-tar as you may know it. I have a Gibson SG that I like to refer to as The Terror of Tokyo due to it's custom Godzilla design. Friday night, I jammed with my friend, covering some hot Cheap Trick and Nirvana tracks. On Saturday, I just sort of played with myself (not like that), practicing some Deep Purple and White Zombie covers. It was sounding pretty awesome, at first...amps at 11, adding a little extra whammy bar flair to Iron Man. But then I upped the difficulty to medium and I just couldn't hit the blue notes.

So, I decided I needed to stop rocking out. I did not, however, stop my normal post show ritual. However, due to a lack of groupies in my apartment, I could only get drunk. And drunk I was as my friend and I popped this month's Final Girl Film Club movie into my DVD player. That movie being the 1984, Daphne Zuniga classic, The Initiation.

I did, desperately try to take notes, but I gave up only a half hour or so into the movie. I have no excuse. So, bear with me as I try to recall what I saw through my post-rock-out hangover.

After the worlds longest and least interesting credit intro (okay, it was only two and a half minutes, but wow was it dull. Even for credits!) it all starts off with a kind fast asleep. She wakes up to walk down a hallway, to appropriately creepy music. A child wandering through the house to her parents bedroom where there be some fuckin goin on. So, she stabs dad and then, someone else comes in and seems none to happy and ends up on fire in the fireplace.

Oh! It was a dream! Okay. Kelly wakes up to a bunch of lingerie clad ladies singing "Delta Rho Ki never will die", which as songs go, has a good beat, but the lyrics lack originality. Kelly is apparently pledging a sorority run by someone's mother. I'm sorry, but this Megan lady just seems too old to be in college. Regardless, she's come up with a prank that involves breaking into Kelly's dad's mall to steal the uniform from the night watchman. That's hot. Apparently Megan wants someone to go be a whore or something.

We then go over to a loony bin...full of loonies! And a gardener. A BURN VICTIM gardener. Foreshadowing! Apparently no one is interested in locking doors in this place.. As the Nurse Ratched wannabe walks to her car, all the loonies are out of their bin playing ring around the rosie in the parking lot. She gets to her care where she's carefully stabbed with a garden claw. By carefully I mean without enough real force to puncture the chest plate, but it's a movie and we'll suspend our disbelief for now.

Which brings up to the one thing we at 7dp industries couldn't stop laughing at.

Look behind him...on the says anal! Ha! We laugh at fart jokes too.

This is sort of where my notes end...that's right, less than a third of the way into the movie. I'd like to say that it was because I was so ENTHRALLED by the movie, but let's be honest for a change. The reality is that it took me almost 20 minutes to lose interest. This is a movie who's own box advertises that it "delivers the goods with gratuitous nudity, carved-up co-eds and a truly wicked climactic twist." Of which, it actually delivered none. While there was some nudity, it could hardly be called gratuitous, which is a shame because that's my favorite kind. I would hardly call anyone "carved-up", it was more like "punctured with gardening tools" and the so called twist is...well, twisty and possibly unexpected unless you read the chapter titles before watching the movie (which I did). I will say this about the shocking conclusion, they did a fairly good job of leading you away from that possibility. The filmmakers did include, however, some rather unfortunate clothing choices, large belt buckles, and a guy in a penis costume.

And where were the corpses anyway? Half a dozen people are killed, yet only 1 dead body is really ever found.

Wait. I'm sorry. There were 2.

And wouldn't THIS just fuck your shit up?

The Initiation is not a great movie. Hell, I'm not sure that is was even a good movie. It reminds me of the stuff my brother and I used to watch on USA Up All Night with Rhonda Shear. This was of course, back when cable tv was a veritable wasteland after 11pm, littered with b-movies and infomercials. Now it's all Law & Order repeats.

In the end, I give The Initiation...let's go with almost 5 garden weasels out of the shed...I mean out of ten.

And now, they want my band Seratonin to do an encore. I think we're gonna do War Pigs. After that, we're going to go play a new venue. I'm so excited.

Edit: I've changed my "rating" of this movie three times now. In it's original form it was 3, then 4. Now it's a 5. Why do I keep changing you you ask? Well, the more I talk about it and the more I think about the movie the more I like it. And besides, it's entirely subjective and I CAN change my rating. I can't imagine going above a 5 for it, and it's a soft 5 to begin with, it was an average movie. It was a good movie to get drunk to, and that counts for something.


Stacie Ponder said...

Man, I'm sorry this one didn't tickle your fancy.

I LOVED the nurse, though. Not only was she a total bitch, but the way she would try to REASON with he raving lunatics just cracked me up. I loved their "Stomp"-esque routine, too, with all the pounding.

I LOVE GUITAR HERO. That is all.

Unknown said...

It may not have been the greatest thing I ever saw, but it's not like I actually considered turning it off. It was a great movie to get drunk to, and thats more than I can say about a lot of movies.

Guitar hero is SO much fun. I'm so glad I bought it. I just wish I was at home playing it rather than a hotel in Milwaukee wishing I was playing guitar hero!