Sunday, April 08, 2007

Holiday Survival

It's that time again. That day that we must all hold sacred. The day that may ultimately save your soul. It's the day we set aside each year for one thing and one thing only, Zombie Survival.

What? I'm pretty sure Jesus was a zombie. Hey, only two things come back from the dead...zombies and vampires. And, while I know all the "this is my blood" shit points to vampirism, here at 7dp, we're much more concerned with protecting you from unrelenting hordes of zombies. I mean, vampires can still get online and read the old blog here.

Most likely, you are spending at least part of your day locked in a bomb shelter with your favorite family members to protect yourself from the potential harm that zombies could do to your person. However, there is the possibility that you are stuck in a house with open doors and exposed windows because your family thinks zombies are another of your crazy fears. Just because they didn't believe Dr Grant about the velociraptors doesn't mean you shouldn't. And you shouldn't question your fear of zombies!

So, to protect yourself in an unsecured house, what should you do? Well, before mom finishes cooking the traditional Tofurkey, look around. How many potential exits or entrances are there? Locate them. Typically there are at least doors in a house, though there could be more if there is an attached garage. How many windows are there? How high off the ground are they? Zombies can't climb, so if they're high off the ground, they may be okay for a short amount of time. Not long though. Once the attack begins, each zombie you kill near that window serves to raise the ground level.

Does the house have a second floor? If you can take out the stairs, the second floor is much more secure. If this house doesn't, does one nearby have a second floor? Look for a home owned by someone who is at THEIR family's home, or someone who can be easily over powered. You don't want to be injured trying to take over someone's home, you'll need to be in good shape to keep yourself alive. Consider a home owned by someone's grandparents. Be careful in the south, the elderly may already be sitting on the porch with guns. Avoid them.

Good job. You've successfully invaded someone's home and established it as your new base of operations. It's time now to secure it. The trick here is to make it difficult not just to get inside, but to make it difficult to tell anyone is inside at all. Windows should be blocked with something heavy. Dressers or china cabinets work great for this. Tables make lousy barricades alone, but teamed up with an old recliner, they're much more stable and can block an entire window. Odds are against the power staying on for long, so don't forget that the fridge, once in place, is hard to move as well.

The first floor of your new base is secure, now to the second floor. Corral the family members that you think you can live with for the foreseeable future and get them upstairs. They probably hate you and your smug saving-them-from-the-zombie-attack-they-didn't-even-believe-in ass right now. This is normal. Keep them away from windows. The zombies will inevitably see them. Don't shove them out of the window either. You're trying NOT to alert the zombies to your presence. Lock your family in a bathroom or something. They'll be safe there, and as a bonus, away from you.

How many ways are there up to the second floor? The average home probably only has 1 staircase. You're going to need to destroy it. Hopefully there's a sledgehammer nearby, otherwise, this won't be much fun. Start with the bottom stair first and work your way up. You do not want to get caught at the bottom with no way up.

Speaking of no way up, did you check the basement? No? Dumbass. You're going to need to find some way to eliminate the basement as an entrance. There is too much shit in your average basement that could cause an "accident". Your furnace and hot water heater may be down there, either of which are potential fire hazards should a zombie start to stumble around. Not to mention all the hiding spots. Luckily, the windows down here are fairly small. they're also high off the ground, making them difficult to barricade but easy to crawl through.

Second level is secure. The first level, well, you did your best. The basement was a disaster, but hey, it doesn't hurt to hope for the best. All things considered, you're fairly secure now. Don't get me wrong, you're a chump if you think that the zombies won't get past your flimsy barriers. Trust me, your dumb ass uncle is going to draw their attention at some point. But look at it this way, until your inevitably violent death, you get to spend ALL of your time trapped in an enclosed area with only your relatives.

Hopefully death comes soon for you.

Happy Easter!

EDIT: 2010-5-20 This was submitted to the Your Best Post Blogathon at He Shot Cyrus.