Monday, April 16, 2007

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week Day 1: Eight Legged Freaks

You know, for some reason, I really don't like David Arquette. True story*, David Arquette and I used to be good friends**. We were at Jamba Juice*** one day, and he kicked me****! For no reason*****!

Ever since then, I have avoided his movies. So it was with a small amount of trepidation that I watched Eight Legged Freaks. I knew very little about the movie aside from Arquette being in it and it having spiders. Big spiders. GIANT spiders. And, to be honest, me no likey spiders. Really, me no likey bugs in general. They kind of...I don't know. They don't freak me out, but they make me feel kind of squiggly. And not in a good way.

Arquette plays Chris McCormick, son of the former head mine guy. I say former because the dude died. He died before the movie started. I don't really know. Chris had left like 10 years ago. Now he's back to reopen the mine or some damn thing.

Meanwhile, a drum of toxic waste has fallen into a local pond and contaminated the water. It has also made some crickets radioactive. The local spider enthusiast/retailer begins to feed the radioactive super crickets to his exotic spiders. The crickets make the spiders grow much much larger. So large that they escape and take over the guy's house!

Really, once the spiders are loose, exactly what you think will happen does. They run amok, as giant monsters tend to do, wreaking havoc upon the poor townsfolk and their pets.

Really, that sums up the plot. Bugs get big, bugs attack, town fights back, something blows up, roll credits. There are naturally a few small subplots about Chris and the Sheriff being in love, and the sheriff's kids being kids. And something about the mayor storing toxic waste under his mall/ostrich farm, but really, it's all pretty irrelevant. It's not bad. Not by any means, but if it wasn't there, you might not notice is all I'm saying.

Extraneous subplots aside, I have to tell you I absolutely LOVED this movie. It was fucking great. This is a movie made specifically for people who liked that 50's style mutant monster attack movie BY people who liked that 50's style mutant monster attack movie. It is, aside from a giant spider movie, a comedy and the comedy totally fucking works. The movie is hilarious, I kept laughing. It was awesome. The cat fighting the spider inside the wall is worth watching the movie for, if nothing else! The spider noises where fucking hilarious, too! And the story itself is so fucking fun. Everything about this movie was amazing and I wish I had seen it sooner!

I'm giving Eight Legged Freaks 9 super crickets from the toxic waste filled lake so that you can feed your spiders out of 10!

*Not true in any way.
** I have never met David Arquette.
***I have never been to Jamba Juice.
****David Arquette has never kicked me or anyone I know. As far as I know he has never even kicked a football. To the best of my knowledge he has lived a kicking free life.
*****I'm sure he had a reason.


Nik! said...

It needs to be asked...what makes you kind of squiggly in a *good* way?

Unknown said...

I have no desire to know what makes you squiggly. This is a family website.

Also, how do you know what giant spiders "tend to do". They could be at home knitting. Or making soap.

Unknown said...

Who the hell ever said that this was a family site?

Spiders don't make soap. They don't bathe. That's why they're so fucking scary!