Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Returns? Maybe he shouldn't have...

I didn't really do much this past weekend, which can only mean one thing...I watched tv. And on my tv, what do I find? A movie starring such fine actors as Michelle Pfiefer, Christopher Walken, Danny DeVito and Michael Keaton... no, not Johnny Dangerously, that only had two of them.

No, I'm talking about Batman Returns, the 1992 sequel reuniting Michael Keaton and Tim Burton in Gotham City.

And what a stupid fucking movie it was. It was just terrible. 14 years ago, I saw this in the theater and loved it. Thought it was the greatest movie ever (replaced the next year by Jurassic Park), but I was a mere child, and apparently very stupid. What did I know?

In a lot of ways, the movie seems cheesier than the old tv show. Catwoman's dialouge never feels natural. Saying things like "You're catnip to a girl like me. Handsome, dazed, and to die for. You're the second man who killed me this week, but I've got seven lives left." She meows! She falls into a truck hauling kitty litter. And not just hauling it, but hauling it loose in an open top dump truck. What are the odds, even by Hollywood standards?

Or the Penguin...he has fins for fuck's sake. FINS! Instead of hands. And he says things like "I was their number one son, but they treated me like number two." He uses a mind control device to send attack penguins into Gotham City.

Warner Bros spent $80 Million dollars making this movie. And somehow the neglected to spend any of that money on a good script.

Batman Returns makes Aeon Flux look good by comparison.

It's a sad thing though, to realize that something you enjoyed as a child is so completely horrid.

Which reminds me, I owe you an apology George Lucas. You may have made some bad choices in all the alterations to the Star Wars trilogy, but at least you didn't make Batman Returns.

Look at the crab!

He pinches.

I like that commercial.