That wasn't half bad

You may remember a couple of months ago that the interweb was all up in a tizzy* about a certain movie. I know, a couple of months is a lifetime at the speed the interweb moves, but, if you think hard you'll remember a certain monster movie, with a viral marketing campaign, named Cloverfield. You remember it now, don't you? Yes, I know, it was forever ago. I mean, fucking JANUARY! It's APRIL now! I don't think anyone was alive back then! I only heard about it because of my history books! But, that's life in the internet age. Everything just happens so fast!

The 'story' of Cloverfield is straight forward enough. Rob is moving to Tokyo, so everyone is having a going away party, and Hud is documenting the party, getting people saying goodbye and , you know, that kind of shit. Suddenly, the shit gets real** and big fucking piece of copper flies down the streets of Manhattan. I'm sure the copper is of some sort of symbolic significance, but I have to admit that it eludes me at the moment***. The decision is then made to evacuate via the Brooklyn Bridge. This, naturally turns out to be a mistake****. A mistake that costs Rob's brother his life. His tombstone will read 'Jason Hawkins: Crushed by a Tentacle". Let's just hope they spell that right.

So, our intrepid gang heads back to the city where Rob makes the decision that he has to go find Beth*****, the girl he digs. So, they go looking for her. Rob, Lilli, Marlena and Hud...traveling 40 blocks up to Central Park to get to Beth.

I found nothing likable in the characters themselves. They were all pretty shallow and underdeveloped. The movie itself was entertaining. I'm not sure that I could watch it again though. The constant camera movement wasn't enough to make me queasy or anything, it just felt like a gimmick. I had the same problem with The Blair Witch Project. The first person perspective is definitely engaging. It draws you into the story, and there are times when it's hard not to react to the action on screen, but, like I said, it feels gimmicky in a way. It's a novelty******. It's certainly a movie worth seeing though. 7 spider looking monsters attacking you and making you explode out of 10.

* Hmm...I really thought the spell checker would flag 'tizzy'...but no. It seems to feel that it is a valid word.
** I watched Hot Fuzz again over the weekend.
*** I'm lying, I totally know it was that statue from the end of Planet of the Apes. I didn't know that JJ Abrams was such a fan of Chuck Heston's work.
**** It's not really a MISTAKE, per se, it was the best option given the available information.
***** Whom you may remember from Kindergarten Cop.
****** Like an ice cream taco.

Face the thing that should not be

Let's talk octopi. What do we know about them? Well, they have eight legs, they squirt ink when scared, they are thrown onto the ice at Red Wings hockey games, and (if I recall correctly from my meat eating days) are kind of bland and chewy, kind of like the EasyMac that I'm having for lunch today.

None of these topics, however, are addressed in Octopus 2: River of Fear. Why would they be? None of them make for an entertaining movie. What does make for an entertaining movie is a combination of every cop cliche you can think of and then a healthy dose of massive cephalopod. It's like a recipe for an entertaining movie. Take 1 part buddy mystery, 1 part giant monster, and a pinch of love interest and you have yourself a movie.

The truth of the matter is that Octopus 2 reminded me a LOT of Shark Attack 3. In a good way. The big difference being that Shark Attack 3 was a bit wittier and made some attempt to explain the presence of the prehistoric beast. Octopus 2 makes no effort to explain anything. The presence of Chthulu is simply a given. He exists. That all there is to it. There is little effort put into explaining the why of the situation. Hell, there's not much effort put into much of the problem. In fact, at one point, our heroic police officer, and his contractually obligated love interest, the mayor's aide, resort to using perhaps the most mind boggling device to locate the octopus' garden...an electronic calendar with a couple of film cannisters attached to it. What's amazing about this is that is it so clearly a calender.

This is not the movie you're going to want to watch for the writing...or the effects...or the actors. No. In fact, I'm not sure WHY you would want to watch this, I'm only sure that you do. One of my friends told me that this is one of the 'five worst movies' she'd ever seen. I disagreed, arguing that she should probably watch more movies with me. However, it cannot be argued that this is a good movie. No, not by any means. What it is, is a movie with a giant monster attacking New York for no reason. And, to be honest, I'm okay with that. 6 massive tentacles ripping through the hull of your facility...however that works...out of 10.

science fiction double feature

I know. I've not been around much. Sorry. I've been out of town and just working too much? Maybe. Who knows. Regardless, the next few weeks don't really look like they'll be much more conducive to blogging, but I will try to pop in here when I can.

I've talked about the Detroit Film Theatre a few times. I like the place. It's really one of my 3 favorite places to watch a movie (the other two being my living room and my friend's living room). Well, this year they're doing a summer season for the first time. Now, they'll still be showing classy pictures, but, more importantly they're doing double features on Saturdays. 1 Harryhausen movie and 1 Toho movie. Including a couple of my favorites, Gojira and Jason and the Argonauts. The only thing better would have been a Beast From 20,000 Fathoms/Gojira double feature. THAT would be awesome. Giant stop motion monsters and men in rubber monster suits. Yeah. Exactly. I know what I'll be doing when I'm in town this summer. Check it out.

SON OF GODZILLA & 20 MILLION MILES TO EARTH
Saturday, June 16, 2007 2:00 PM
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JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS & BATTLE IN OUTER SPACE
Saturday, June 23, 2007 2:00 PM
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EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS & MOTHRA
Saturday, June 30, 2007 2:00 PM
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THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND & GODZILLA VS. MEGAGUIRUS
Saturday, July 07, 2007 2:00 PM
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IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA & GODZILLA
Saturday, July 14, 2007 2:00 PM
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7TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD & GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER
Saturday, July 21, 2007 2:00 PM
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FIRST MEN IN THE MOON & GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH
Saturday, July 28, 2007 2:00 PM

Hell yeah. Hell to the yeah.

giant monsters all out attack week: the aftermath

I do this with the best of intentions, but some how always fall short. I believe last time I was called a slacker, maybe that's true. Regardless, I start a theme week, roll along just fine, then Saturday hits and there are just too many other things to do. I mean, it's 73 degrees and sunny! How can I sit and watch a movie when it's like that?

Ok, I know, it's not like I'm going to go outside and play frisbee or anything, but the motivation to blog leaves me when the weather turns nice and the week turns into the weekend. So, once again, I stop the week at five days and move on.

Now that it's over, it's time to rebuild and get on with our lives. Until, that is, that fateful day when Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week returns as all giant monsters do! Until that day, he's a recap to serve as a reminder of the horrors we've survived!

Day 1 : Eight Legged Freaks
Day 2: The Valley of Gwangi
Day 3: Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris
Day 4: King Kong vs Godzilla
Day 5: Jurassic Park III

Giant Monster Theater!

In lieu of a review of Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorrah: Giant Monsters All Out Attack, I've decided to go for something different. Basically, I'm going to expand on my Gamera 2 post...

Here we go: 7 Dollar Popcorn Presents: Giant Monster Theater!
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You know what guys? I'm sick of always being the bad guy. Fuck that shit!

Tough titties, Ghidorah! You think I'm going to be the bad guy?

Sure! It's been a while. Be the bad guy!

Fine! I'll get rid of my pupils and be the bad guy.

Why do you want to get rid of your pupils?

Because that way I look like a zombie! It's creepier!

Yeah it is. You look so weird!

Ok then. If I'm the bad guy, what does that make your three?

We're the good guys. We'll be like Guardian Spirits or some shit.

You can't be a good guy! You don't know how!

Oh come on, how hard can it be? Mothra can show me how!

Yeah, that's no biggie. Baragon will help out too.

Just do what I do!

Wait! I'm not ready!

Oh, you fuck shit!

I can do that!

Chomp!

I hate you guys. remind me why I stay friends with you.

We have the hook up for hookers and blow.

Shit! That's right.

Besides, we have history!

History? we have a history of you guys attacking me when you get all hopped up on PCP! That's what we have you fucktards!

You know, you really need to learn how to relax.

Yeah, take a vacation, go on a cruise or something. Those ships have EVERYTHING!

You know what, fuck you guys. I'm going to go home and go back to being the good guy. You three suck.

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Oh man! Those wacky monsters!

Godzilla, Mothra and King Ghidorrah: Giant Monsters All Out Attack really wasn't very impressive. Very different from the modern Godzilla movies. Very middle of the road. 6 oxygen destroyers out of 10.

This is such a strange feeling, I feel as though I'm leaving a world of untold tomorrows for a world of countless yesterdays

There's a bit of math that goes into my movie watching. For example, Giant Monster + Ray Harryhausen > Sleep. Luckily, my movie watching has yet to involve any algebra.

I went on a mission yesterday. I wanted to buy a movie. Actually, I wanted to buy a movie on Saturday, but nobody fucking had it. I, however, remembered seeing it at the Best Buy by work. So, after work, I went to buy my movie. It was a two-pack kind of thing. 2 movies on one disc. The one I wanted was The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms, the other movie? Them! Pretty cool, huh? Why they were under "S" I'll never know for sure, but, whatever, I got my movie.

The plan from there was to go home and watch it. Which I kind of accomplished. I did go home, and I did, eventually, watch it. I started off though, by watching one of the special features...Harryhausen & Bradbury: An Unfathomable Friendship. Basically, it's a little sit down with the two of them while they talk, largely, about the movie. It feels like there was more though, and that editing robbed us of something much bigger. I followed that up by watching the trailers included on the disc, not just for the movie itself...




The Black Scorpion



And, The Valley of Gwangi



Sorry, I just wanted to share...

Finally, I got down to business and watched the movie. It begins on Hoth with Operation: Experiment, a nuclear test. Han and Luke are very excited about the nuclear testing and when they go out to get readings, Luke falls into a crevice where he sees a wampa. Meanwhile, Han tries to find and rescue him. Upon finding Luke, Han also sees the wampa. He sets off a flare so that Wedge can find him. Luke, however, is lost forever.

Okay, that's not exactly right. Sorry. Replace the wampa with a Rhedosaurus. replace Wedge with someone less interesting and replace the snow speeder with something on treads. And, replace the nuclear test with a probe droid. They're eerily similar though. Really.

Okay, it was really Tom Nesbitt who survived. The professor of unknown origin. The professor with the unexplained but vaguely foreign accent. And, when the starts talking about seeing a monster, everyone goes all "Tom! You so crazy!" on him. Tom takes his coat and his crazy to go see Dr Thurgood Elson, the world's foremost paleontologist. Dr Elson also thinks that Nesbitt is nutso, but he listens anyways. Elson's assistant, Lee, however, thinks Tom is mostly right in the head. So, she brings over some drawings of dinosaurs and Nesbitt finds one that looks like his monster!

The quest for proof has begun. Nesbitt journeys to that mythical land to north, Canada, to find a sailor who also saw the beast. The sailor agrees to fly to New York with Nesbitt to serve as a glorified extra for 5 minutes and then disappear. We now have 2 men pointing at the same picture, so Elson decides that it is time to call the Army. The Army says "What the fuck do you want me to do? Call the Coast Guard?" and Elson says "Yeah, mother fucker, there's a dinosaur and your lighthouses may be at risk!"

Saddly, the lighthouse dies.

Trick or Treat!

This means that the monster is headed for New York! And when he arrives, he does what all monsters do upon finding themselves in a modern city...he goes on a rampage! Cars are crushed and buildings are destroyed.

Shortcut!

The monster goes off to ride the roller coaster, but is apparently deemed to not by "this tall" and destroyed the mechanical beast. This, of course pisses off all of the patrons and Nesbitt decides that the only way to kill it is to use a radioactive isotope (patent pending) to melt his insides. And it does. And the beast dies. The End.

Sweet

The Beast is a noteworthy movie for what it inspired. It was really the catalyst for countless atomic monster movies in the 50's. It wasn't the first giant monster movie, but it was one of the earliest successful atomic monster movies. Not to mention, this is the movie that inspired Gojira. And while there are some great similarities between The Beast and Gojira is has to be noted that it has much more in common with the American Godzilla. In fact, Godzilla is more of a remake of The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms than anything to do with Toho's Godzilla franchise.

The effects are classic Harryhausen, and truth be told, still look pretty good. There is a scene towards the end where the beast picks up a car in it's mouth and it's an unbelievable combination of miniatures, stop motion, and real time camera work. Even the scene where the beast takes a cop in it's mouth in a close up no less looks good.

I liked this movie. I knew I would. I like giant monsters. And I really like movies about them. 8 lighthouses tumbling into the sea out of 10.

A storm o'hell's coming down on this place any second

There are so few movies that I get to watch with as much awe as Feast. I mean, the movie starts with little title placards of each of the characters. Rather than names, everyone is a stereotype. There's Bozo, Honey Pie, Grandma, Beer Guy, Hot Wheels, Bartender, Jason Mewes, Hero, etc.

Along with their "name" everyone also has a job listed, maybe a fun fact and a life expectancy. For example, Hot Wheels' life expectancy is listed as "They wouldn't kill a cripple, would they?"

It was at this point that I fell in love with the movie.

So, in busts Hero.


Hero lasts for about 2 minutes before he's ripped out the window and killed by whatever is out there. This is all of about 10 minutes into the movie. 5 minutes later we have multiple corpses, no hero, Mewes without a face and a monster humping a deer head. And now it's time for Hero's wife, Heroine, to step up.


And now...we're on our way. The flick just moves at a frantic pace. It's just bam, bam, bam, like that kid from the Flintstones whose name I can't remember. Before you know it, you're watching monster fucking, a dude covered in monster puke, Bartender's earring ripped from his ear to pick a lock, Bozo almost redeem himself, Coach going all Rollins the Impaler with a baby monster on a pike, a monster die for a blowjob from Harley Mom, Rollins mysteriously disappear, Honey Pie bails on everyone. The movie just moves.


To be honest, aside from the monster fucking, there's probably not a ton here that you haven't seen before. That's kind of why it works though. Feast takes some of the old horror cliches and just plays with them. They tell you how likely a character is to survive, but still leave you unsure about those assessments by killing Hero!

No one has a real back story. The monsters are never explained. This works to the benefit of the movie. You don't know why all these people, including Mewes and a motivational speaker, are in this dive in the middle of nowhere. It's also never explained why these monsters are out there or where they came from. And I loved that. When you start to explain everything, it becomes less scary. The night is terrifying until you know that the daylight isn't far behind it. The monster you know will never be as frightening as the one you don't.

I loved this movie. I had no idea what to expect, but was more than just pleasantly surprised. I'm not sure that I can recommend this movie enough. It's hilarious, it well acted, it moves at a great pace, and there are bits that are genuinely scary! 9 baby monsters locked inside an ice chest that you shoot and kill only to put it on a spike and give it to it's parents who eat it, fuck and make two more out of 10.

7 Dollar Popcorn Presents the 7 Dollar Popcorn FILMuary Spectacular: 28 Days of Movie Mayhem Day 23: Rodan

How in the hell is 5.1 surround a special feature? For that matter, how is mono? Unimpressive special features like this can only mean one thing...it's 7 Dollar Popcorn Presents the 7 Dollar Popcorn FILMuary Spectacular: 28 Days of Movie Mayhem Day 23 in which we finally check out the 3rd Ishiro Honda movie that I own; Rodan!

Rodan is, of course, like a pteradon or something. I don't know, some sort of big bird monster. There are actually 2 Rodans. A male and a female. But we're getting ahead of ourselves.

It's starts with nuclear testing, as these things typically do. And an ominous warning about consequences or something.

We shift to a mining village. Things are tense in the mine and no one is sure why, but when the mine floods everyone is justifiably freaked. There's a dead guy with weird wounds floating in the water. No one knows what happened to him.

"What the hell happened to him?"

Two more oddly killed people later, Shigeru goes to hang with his lady friend where he is accosted by a giant caterpillar. He runs out of the house and comes back with a fucking army.

"You don't know, I could turn into a beautiful butterfly someday"

They realize that the bug is what's been killing folks in the mine and take an army and 2 machine guns to try and kill it. Shigeru manages to kill one with a coal cart, but there's a second caterpillar. And in trying to kill it the mountain collapses. It's a mad search for Shigeru. Unfortunately, it's a useless search because Shigeru is wandering aimlessly in the crater left from the collapse. Luckily some scientist are investigating the collapse themselves and find him.

"This bandage...did something happen to my hair?"

Shigeru has amnesia. Which means he doesn't remember anything. Not what happened. Not his name. Not even the broad is supposed to marry.

Something in his expression just says "I'm fucked"

Soon a UFO appears. When pressed to identify it, the pilot gets killed leaving behind a bloody helmet, but no wreckage. What could have done this?

Rodan: My wings don't need to flap bitches.

Right. Rodan. Big fucking flying dinosaur. Gotcha.

Rodan: Not a giant rubber chicken.

There are actually two Rodans. They're just hatched little babies! The caterpillars were in the cave as food for them. And now, it's time to do that thing that giant monsters do...

"If I see one more store with eggs on sale, I will fuck you bitches up."

Destroy shit. The army decides to try and blow up the mountain where the Rodans live in an attempt to kill them. Right. They're going to attack a volcano. A volcano that has never done anything to hurt anyone. Poor volcano. All because the Rodans decided to set up shop there.

"Maybe we should give them some privacy?"

The Rodans escape the collapsing volcano, but die in the ensuing eruption.

Rodan is a cheesy giant monster movie from the 50's. It is not in any way of the same caliber as Honda's Gojira. That's ok though. They can't all be social critiques. That said, Rodan is 72 minutes of cheesy goodness. The flock moves at a great pace and due to it's short running time, there's always something happening. This is the kind of movie you want to watch at one in the morning when you can't sleep because if you can't sleep, you might as well watch something mindless. I'm giving Rodan 7 caterpillars fattening up on miners so that the giant flying reptiles have a good meal when they finally hatch because you can't terrorize a Japanese mining town on an empty stomach out of 10.

7 Dollar Popcorn Presents the 7 Dollar Popcorn FILMuary Extravaganza: 28 Days of Movie Mayhem Day 18: Gamera 2: Attack of Legion

The best job in the world has to be as a contractor or construction worker in Tokyo, that place is always being destroyed! Second best? Working on 7 Dollar Popcorn Presents the 7 Dollar Popcorn FILMuary Extravaganza: 28 Days of Movie Mayhem. The 18th movie in this shindig is Gamera 2: Attack of Legion. The sequel to Gamera: Guardian of the Universe.

The events of Attack of Legion take place about one year after Guardian of the Universe. This time, our enemy is a giant space crab kind of thing called Legion. He eats glass and shoots blue sparks out of his legs like some sort of Emperor Palpatine wannabe. What a jerk! Dude, find your own thing! You can't just copy people's shit all the time and expect to be taken seriously!

Okay, they say that a picture is worth 1000 words, right? Lets find out for ourselves! Gamera 2: Attack of Legion in 7dp Picture-O-Vision!

Sir! Something landed near here. We're still investigating WHERE exactly it landed...


Thank god someone called AVIS


Shit! Someone help! It's attacking the BEER!!!


Gamera is NOT afraid of fire.


Sir! You appear to have a caterpillar crawling on your lip...permission to shoot it off!


It's my mustache, Private.


It's an amazing mustache, sir!


Crab vs Turtle...doesn't matter who wins or who loses. All that matters is that someone is going to be able to make a LOT of soup.


Gamera has green blood! And he's bleeding!


Section 9 Paragraph C of the Constitution: Roll out the tanks


"Hi, I'm Vic Romano and that's Kenny Blankenship"


He's military intelligence...the glasses give it away.


Hands


No Hands. For somereason, Gamera turns into a sea turtle when he flies


Call me Palpatine bitches. You ain't gonna catch this. You ain't no Yoda.


That's one BIG bug zapper


The Legion is steam powered


Okay, see, I had NO idea Gamera could do this...


Good work, Gamera. You've won!


Congratulations sir, Operation Watch Gamera Kick the Giant Space Creature's Ass While We Do Nothing was a complete success!

Gamera 2: Attack of Legion gets 7 and 1/2 scientists tossing their glasses aside when instructed to get rid of all transmitters out of 10.