giant monsters all out attack week: the aftermath

I do this with the best of intentions, but some how always fall short. I believe last time I was called a slacker, maybe that's true. Regardless, I start a theme week, roll along just fine, then Saturday hits and there are just too many other things to do. I mean, it's 73 degrees and sunny! How can I sit and watch a movie when it's like that?

Ok, I know, it's not like I'm going to go outside and play frisbee or anything, but the motivation to blog leaves me when the weather turns nice and the week turns into the weekend. So, once again, I stop the week at five days and move on.

Now that it's over, it's time to rebuild and get on with our lives. Until, that is, that fateful day when Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week returns as all giant monsters do! Until that day, he's a recap to serve as a reminder of the horrors we've survived!

Day 1 : Eight Legged Freaks
Day 2: The Valley of Gwangi
Day 3: Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris
Day 4: King Kong vs Godzilla
Day 5: Jurassic Park III

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week Day 5: Jurassic Park 3

I remember, as a kid, I loved dinosaurs. Loved them. All of them. Well, the brontosaurus was my favorite, actually. Toys, books. You name it. Just fascinated by them. Largely, I still am. I think that if I had seen Jurassic Park at a younger age, I may have really dedicated my life to dinosaurs. Though, it is still possible that my apathy would have won out. It's hard to say.

I have to say though that I wasn't a huge fan of the second movie. I only saw it once and don't recall having any desire to see it again. So, to say that I was rushing to see the third would be something of an exaggeration. However, having now SEEN Jurassic Park III, I have to say that I wish I had done so sooner.

It's illegal to fly over or land in Isla Sorna, aka Site B. However, there is a company offering para sailing trips along the coast. It's here that Eric and his adult friend get lost. Meanwhile, Dr Grant is still studying velociraptors. The dead ones though. The living ones still scare the shit out of him. He gives lectures. Lectures where he says things like:

No force on earth or heaven could get me on that island.

Except money, apparently. Because Dr Grant is a whore. Really. It takes very little prodding for Dr Grant and his assistant, Billy, to agree to accompany the Kirbys on an excursion for a flyover of Isla Sorna. They, supposedly have permission from some "contacts".

This is all a big fat lie though. You see, the Kirbys basically KIDNAP Dr Grant to help them look for their son. They're divorced and the boy went missing with mom's new boyfriend 8 weeks ago. They brought Dr Grant because they needed someone who had been to the island, however, Grant had never been to THIS island. And he's not too thrilled about being on this one now. He keeps saying things like "On this island there is no such thing as safe " and "Either way... you probably won't get off this island alive." He's really kind of a downer.

Eventually they do find the boy still alive. But it's after multiple dino attacks. Including new raptors and a big fuck off spinosaurus! This thing is massive. Fucker takes out a t-rex like it's nothing.

The pacing is great. There's a lull then BAM dino attack. Lull, BAM, lull, BAM. And it moves like that. You get a real sense of the danger they're in. You can really sort of feel the paranoia Grant has on the island. At the same time though, there's still a sense of awe and wonder at marveling at these great beasts.

I was absolutely DREADING watching this movie. All I'd heard was how big a pile of shit it was. But I loved it. Easily my second favorite Jurassic Park movie of all time. 8 vials of t-rex pee that you don't really want to know how I got out of 10.

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week Day 4: King Kong vs Godzilla

I hate it when I fall asleep towards the end of a movie. Especially since it's rarely a critique of the movie itself. More often it's just that I'm tired after work and fall asleep. Such was the case with King Kong vs Godzilla. The 1962 return of Godzilla.

Yes, that's right. Return. In Godzilla Raids Again, he was trapped inside an iceberg. Luckily, with the help of an incredibly inept US submarine crew Godzilla is released to wreak havoc upon the Japanese mainland!

I'm free, bitches! What are you gonna do now? Attack me with toys??

Godzilla heads for a Japanese military outpost where he is promptly attacked by toys.

Attack!!


I used to like setting my toys on fire too.


Retreat!!!

Retreat successful, sir! What should we try next?

Godzilla is able to withstand the attack. Meanwhile, on Faro Island, two representatives of the Pacific Pharmaceutical Company are trying to find a new corporate mascot. They've come to the island in search of a giant god. Instead, they find a giant octopus, played by a real octopus, attacking a hut, played by a miniature hut. The octopus does, however, draw the attention of King Kong who appears from the jungle to face off against the slimy beast.

You slimy bastard!

Everyone celebrate Kong's victory in the most natural way.

Yay for smoking!

With cigarettes. Kong celebrates with a different drug. The juice of the Soma berry. This has the effect of giving him a roofie. He passes out and the Japanese men tie him up and take him home.

Once in Japan, Kong and Godzilla gravitate towards each other do to the fact (and by fact I mean "an announcer said it, so it must be true") that they are instinctual enemies. Also, FACT, Godzilla, being a lizard, is afraid of electricity. Kong, however, being a giant goddamn ape is made stronger by electricity. I don't know why. No one bothers to explain it. It is, however, presented as fact. FACT!

Kong and Godzilla meet and Godzilla, using nuclear fire breath, sets Kong's crotch on fire. Kong says "fuck this noise" and wanders off. Godzilla continues to meander towards Tokyo while giving the people of Japan time to dig a giant fuck off hole in the ground to trap Godzilla and erect a series of power lines around the city. Kong also attempts to attack Tokyo, however the electricity only makes him stronger. Luckily the people of Japan have some drugs and form a drum circle, putting Kong to sleep. Once again unconscious due to the effect of the roofies, the Japanese attach BALLOONS to Kong to transport him to where ever the hell Godzilla is.

No ticket!

When they find Godzilla, they cut the ropes, DROPPING Kong on top of Godzilla. Thus our final fight begins.

Eat your veggies you bastard!

They fight and fight until they fall into the ocean. Kong eventually emerges and swims home to Faro island, Godzilla's fate is unknown.

I watched the easier to obtain US version of the movie, which differs, apparently, from the original. Universal made a few decisions with this movie aside from dubbing the voices. They also used a group of UN News reporters to broadcast a play by play of what was going on. They also used the music from The Creature from the Black Lagoon rather than using Akira Ifukube's soundtrack, because really, what the hell did he know?

Overall, it was fun, though it did suffer from the plodding pace typical of monster movies at the time. 7 soma berries to put you to sleep while natives dance around you on some tropical island out of 10.

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week Day 3: Gamera 3 Revenge of Iris

After nearly a year, I'm finally finishing the Gamera trilogy. The series itself spans 4 years, so technically, I have to say I'm ahead of schedule.

We start off with a dead Gyaos somewhere near the equator. You may remember the Gyaos from Gamera: Guadian of the Universe. They were the pterodactyl type things. Giant lizard birds, sent to destroy the earth. This particular Gyaos is dead.

Next we cut to a sub scanning the ocean floor where they find a metric shit ton of Gamera skeletons. It's like a Gamera graveyard. It's crazy. The opening credits then roll over a recap of the prior two movies. It shows mostly the battle between Gamera and the Gyaos. Legion is surprisingly under represented. Next we meet Ayana whose parents were killed during the attack while trying to save their cat, Iris. Ayana jumps up as it was only a dream.

Ayana is bitter and hates Gamera. Gamera stole her precious! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Gameras. Wicked, tricksy, false! Her obsession draws her to a creature hatched from an egg that she names Iris. The creature begins to bond with her through a pendant similar to the comma's from the first movie.

Gamera himself is still busy battling the Gyaos and is returning to Japan. The government and citizens are kind of getting fed up with the destruction caused by these battles and want to kill Gamera himself.

As Iris grows, it tries to absorb Ayana into itself. Ayana is freed from the cocoon, however Iris then decides to feed on the life force of the other people of the village. Ayana is taken to Kyoto and Iris follows. Iris, however is intercepted by Gamera and the battle begins. Ayana learns that it was her own hatred that Iris has fed off of and the Gamera was not responsible for her parents death. Gamera, in turn, saves Ayana and kills Iris, the end.

This was a fun movie. Seriously. It was better than a lot of the Godzilla stuff from the mid-90s on. While it was very story driven, there was a good amount of death and destruction. There was even a fair amount of CGI in it which is somewhat abnormal for Japanese Kaiju movies, though it certainly worked in this one. Let's go with 8 buildings destroyed with your parents inside looking for a cat that will feed your anger and lust for Kaiju blood until you, in turn, lead to the destruction of another city in your quest for revenge out of 10.

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week Day 2: The Valley of Gwangi

<- See that. The tag line. Cowboys, battling monsters. Yeah. Totally. I'm in. A million times, I'm in for this. The Valley of Gwangi is a movie that was originally conceived by Willis O'Brien, who did the stop motion effects for King Kong in 1942. It took almost 40 years for Ray Harryhausen to make the movie himself.

We start off with something in a sack being stolen from the Forbidden Valley and a blind gypsy woman warning of the curse of Gwangi. "He who takes from Gwangi the evil one is cursed." The sack stealer is noticeably unimpressed. Heh, I called him a sack stealer.

Next, we're in a Mexican town somewhere in Mexico. There's a parade. And a rodeo at the arena. Tuck wants to go, but the little local boy wants Tuck's money. After some clever banter, Tuck gives Lope some money for a horse and a guide to the arena where the rodeo is. You know, rodeo. As in

Well it's bulls and blood
It's dust and mud
It's the roar of a Sunday crowd
It's the white in his knuckles
The gold in the buckle
He'll win the next go 'round
It's boots and chaps
It's cowboy hats
It's spurs and latigo
It's the ropes and the reins
And the joy and the pain
And they call the thing rodeo*

Rodeo. This particular one is run by a Ms. TJ Breckenridge who likes to swim with horses in pools ringed by fire. Tuck and TJ used to be something of an item. But then Tuck left. And now he's back. Not to rekindle some flame, but to try to buy TJ's diving horse Omar.

TJ doesn't want to sell out though. So she tells Tuck to fuck off. Tuck proceeds to fuck off and meets a Professor while wandering the desert with his little friend Lope. The professor shows him fossils of a small prehistoric "dawn horse".

Tuck goes back to town with Lope where TJ finally starts being friendlier. She shows him the mini horse that Carlos the Sack Stealer found. The plan is that the tiny horse will dance on the back of the big hose and we will all be rich! Rich I say! Tuck, in his giddiness over how sweet ass this tiny horse is decides to show the professor. The professor though wants to talk to the gypsies about where it came from. And, being the noble scientist that he is, he tells the gypsies where the tiny horse is so that they can steal it back and maybe lead him to the forbidden valley from whence it came.

So, the gypsies steal back the tiny horse. In fact, it's the tiniest gypsy who gets to break in and retrieve it. Fitting, in a way. And, since no one likes Tuck, it's easy for everyone to imagine that he was responsible. Tuck, in reality, is chasing after the thieves to try to retrieve the horse for TJ because, well, he loves her. And love makes you do funny things sometimes. Like chase after gypsies who stole a little horse. Chase them all the way to a forbidden valley in the hopes of finding MORE little horses because they're just so gosh darned cute.

Once inside the valley, they are attacked by a pterodactyl who tries to fly off with Lope. Luckily Lope is too damned heavy or something because the damn thing lands abruptly. Someone then jumps at the chance to break the poor thing's neck. Poor thing.

They find other creatures in the valley as well. Three different dinosaurs in fact. Two of them get killed by the third, Gwangi. Gwangi is lord of this realm. Gwangi is about the size of an elephant. And Gwangi seems displeased with the people in his valley. The group however sees dollar signs and manages to capture Gwangi to take back for their show.

Back in the arena, the gypsy midget undoes the bolts on Gwangi's cage. Gwangi kills the poor bastard as a thank you and then kills an elephant. Hell of a show. Well worth the price of admission to me, but the spectators in the crowd collectively shit themselves and run out of the arena.

While Tuck and the gang try to fight Gwangi, everyone retreats to the church for the final showdown with Gwangi. Once Tuck is in the church, however, everyone flees the church figuring that it will be better if Tuck handles that final showdown thing himself. Luckily Tuck is one resourceful dude and manages to set the church on fire, killing Gwangi.

Then, the townsfolk hang Tuck and the gang for bringing the beast to town and destroying their church and city. Or at least that's what SHOULD have happened. I mean, the church was CONNECTED to other buildings. The fire will SPREAD. Gwangi didn't destroy the town, the rodeo people did! No, instead we go out with Lope being all emo and shit. Crying to teach us that we should respect all life, or that we should let sleeping prehistoric beasts lie in their forbidden valleys. I don't know. Why else do kids cry?

This is, without a doubt, the BEST cowboys versus dinosaurs movie that I have ever seen in the history of ever! Harryhausen's effects look great. The story, for as cheesy as it sounds today, is great. The acting is good. It was such a great movie that I'm giving it 8 circles of mountains, jagged peaks and steep cliffs that could be the perfect barrier against man and the elements to contain a land of the lost without any sleestacks out of 10.


*Holy shit...did I really use lyrics from a Garth Brooks song?

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week Day 1: Eight Legged Freaks

You know, for some reason, I really don't like David Arquette. True story*, David Arquette and I used to be good friends**. We were at Jamba Juice*** one day, and he kicked me****! For no reason*****!

Ever since then, I have avoided his movies. So it was with a small amount of trepidation that I watched Eight Legged Freaks. I knew very little about the movie aside from Arquette being in it and it having spiders. Big spiders. GIANT spiders. And, to be honest, me no likey spiders. Really, me no likey bugs in general. They kind of...I don't know. They don't freak me out, but they make me feel kind of squiggly. And not in a good way.

Arquette plays Chris McCormick, son of the former head mine guy. I say former because the dude died. He died before the movie started. I don't really know. Chris had left like 10 years ago. Now he's back to reopen the mine or some damn thing.

Meanwhile, a drum of toxic waste has fallen into a local pond and contaminated the water. It has also made some crickets radioactive. The local spider enthusiast/retailer begins to feed the radioactive super crickets to his exotic spiders. The crickets make the spiders grow much much larger. So large that they escape and take over the guy's house!

Really, once the spiders are loose, exactly what you think will happen does. They run amok, as giant monsters tend to do, wreaking havoc upon the poor townsfolk and their pets.

Really, that sums up the plot. Bugs get big, bugs attack, town fights back, something blows up, roll credits. There are naturally a few small subplots about Chris and the Sheriff being in love, and the sheriff's kids being kids. And something about the mayor storing toxic waste under his mall/ostrich farm, but really, it's all pretty irrelevant. It's not bad. Not by any means, but if it wasn't there, you might not notice is all I'm saying.

Extraneous subplots aside, I have to tell you I absolutely LOVED this movie. It was fucking great. This is a movie made specifically for people who liked that 50's style mutant monster attack movie BY people who liked that 50's style mutant monster attack movie. It is, aside from a giant spider movie, a comedy and the comedy totally fucking works. The movie is hilarious, I kept laughing. It was awesome. The cat fighting the spider inside the wall is worth watching the movie for, if nothing else! The spider noises where fucking hilarious, too! And the story itself is so fucking fun. Everything about this movie was amazing and I wish I had seen it sooner!

I'm giving Eight Legged Freaks 9 super crickets from the toxic waste filled lake so that you can feed your spiders out of 10!


*Not true in any way.
** I have never met David Arquette.
***I have never been to Jamba Juice.
****David Arquette has never kicked me or anyone I know. As far as I know he has never even kicked a football. To the best of my knowledge he has lived a kicking free life.
*****I'm sure he had a reason.

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week

I like doing these theme weeks. For some reason, I just get a huge kick out of them.

And, you know what, there are only a few things that I enjoy more than watching giant monsters level cities. Which is why I've been looking forward to this particular week. I had the idea over the winter to do an entire week of giant monster movies. That's right, GIANT monsters. Not just big monsters, GIANT. I'm talking creatures that could destroy a city, not a breadbox.

It's going to be a fun week I think, full of all sorts of monsters. Come back tomorrow when we (as in me) kick it off!


*Calamastre print by Kevin Dart. Check him out at Fleet Street Scandal