Quick Reviews of Bad Movies: It's Back.

Sometimes, you have to learn from the lessons of your past. Fire is hot. Ice is cold. Water is wet. And sometimes, you should just jump ahead to the sequel.

Spiders wasn't the worst movie I'd ever seen. I just can't help but think that Spiders 2: Breeding Ground would have been better.

My advise, pop Spiders in your DVD player and just watch the last 20 minutes.

What was that? That was the sound of awesome.

Have you ever watched a movie and thought to yourself 'Wow. That was fucking sweet. You know who would love that? No one I know.'? That's the thought that Shoot 'Em Up left me with.

It's essentially every possible action cliche, thrown into a blender and poured onto the screen. Plot? Who cares. Guns? Tons of them. Crazy technology? Sure, on the guns. Hero with a mysterious past? Yuppers. Hooker with a heart of gold? You know it.

At the center of the 'story' is a baby, a murdered mother and a man with a love of carrots. Clive Owen is that man. And, really, if you told me that it was nothing more than Clive Owen stirring soup for an hour and a half, I would have watched this movie. I've liked everything I've seen him in. I'll go on record here and say that Clive Owen is one hell of a good actor.

It's a bizarre sort of movie, the kind that is difficult to describe. Like I said, the plot isn't really a concern, and as such, the story kind of takes the back burner to concentrate on the action sequences. What bit of the story they do concentrate on is pretty far fetched, dealing with gun control, baby farms for bone marrow transplants and political intrigue.

Shoot 'Em Up is not The Bourne Identity (or any of the others for that matter). It never feels like it takes itself very seriously. Maybe that's why it worked for me. I can see why people wouldn't like this one. It's not a movie that would appeal to your averave middle-American WalMart soccer mom. It's a tough pill to swallow. It's the kind of movie that is probably helped by drinking a couple of beers first. And, you know, that's ok. 8 babies in bullet proof vests with a sock on their heads out of 10.

Monster Movie Poster Mondays

We return to your regularly scheduled poster this week after a short hiatus brought upon by holidays and laziness. Yay for holidays! Yay for being lazy!



Oh Gamera, you giant turtle you. Destroyer of cities, Guardian of the Universe. A giant turtle who is even loved by the likes of Roger Ebert! You know you're fighting the good fight when Roger Ebert is on your side!

Movies I'd Like To See

Here's the thing, I'm a man of ideas, not a man of action. I tend to have all of these great ideas, either for new movies or just how to fix the ones I see. Today, I had an idea for a movie. Most likely a SciFi Original.

The story would take place in some African country like Kenya or the Congo. A medical research facility is working on a cure for a very dangerous strain of the flu virus. Maybe we keep it somewhat relevant by calling it bird flu or something. That's still somewhat topical, right? Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Regardless, something happens at the facility. The scientists turn on each other, local militants invade the facility, something. And, in the process, the virus they've been working on is let loose and infects a rhinoceros.

Meanwhile, a group of college kids decide to spend their spring break in Africa on a safari of sorts. One of those package deals where you stay at a resort and they take you out in a jeep to see wildlife. The college kids would be a mixture of a few kind of nerdy kids who are interested in the science aspect of it all (biology/zoology students) and some rich, good looking kids who are there because 'everyone goes to _____ for spring break!" and they think that they're better than that. At least one of this group will be an attractive woman who's parents sent her thinking it would be an educational thing. Most likely, she will be the type who, while being a part of the rich/popular clique, is more interested in hanging out with the 'nerds',

The virus that the rhino contracts turns it mad, and it starts to kill lions and tigers. So, all the kids see on their trips into the widerness are dead animals. The rhino keeps getting closer and closer to the resort until it attacks. It's then up to our college kids to be eaten by the killer rhino and stop it!

Mmmm! Tasty entrails!

The movie will be called Rhino Virus.

Someone get Boaz Davidson on the phone!

It was missing something...like suspense...

Did I ever tell you about my trip to Alaska? I don't think I did. It was last February, in the middle of the FILMuary marathon. I visited a small town called Chevak and the city of Fairbanks (and even ate at the northern most Denny's in the world (the sign said so)). Of course, none of this compares to Alaska's northernmost city, Barrow.

Aside from being at the top of the world, Barrow is also the setting for 30 Days of Night. The city at the top of the world is at the top of the list for vampire travel agents. You see, it's night time...for 30 days. Kinda. Really it's just a very small amount of light every day, but that isn't as intriguing. No. 30 days of complete darkness, now THAT'S a story element.

So, the vampires decided that this year, they would attack Barrow. Why now? After all these years? I don't know. I guess that they just never got around to it. They're real busy, you know. What with their BlackBerries and iPhones and PDAs and all that other stuff that vampires have. I guess it's tough to get up that way. Especially when you can only travel at night!

Aside from it's setting, it's a pretty generic vampire attack movie. The vampires terrorize the town and it's up to our sheriff to save the day (and his marriage) with the help of a plucky assortment of locals.

The movie, however, fails to ever build any suspense. The vampires lay siege to the town for 30 days, but you really don't get a sense of time. The whole thing feels like it takes a night or two. You never get a real sense of the hell that would be hiding for a month. I think THAT would have been a much more interesting story.

It was entertaining enough, it was just lacking suspense. And that's a pretty vital ingredient for a horror movie. It's like making a cake without flour. Yeah, it might turn out ok, but it just doesn't feel right...

6 people walking down the street so that the vampires can lure you out of hiding out of 10.

I missed Cortman

I Am Legend is the third attempt at turning Richard Matheson's story into a film. The first was with Vincent Price in 1964's The Last Man on Earth followed by Chuck Heston as The Omega Man in 1971.

I haven't seen either of those. I can, however, say that Will Smith's performance in I Am Legend is slightly better than, well, anything else I've seen him do lately. There were fewer of those goofy one-liners that he seems to favor. There was the obligatory 'Will Smith working out' scene, but it was short.

The story itself centers around a cure for cancer that goes wrong and turns 99 point something percent of the population into vampire like creatures. Robert Neville apparently played some role in creating this 'cure' and is now one of the few people immune to it. Manhattan has become sort of a 12 Monkeys-esque wasteland filled with lions and deer. Neville is accompanied only be his dog, Sam. The two of them have spent 3 years on the island trying to survive and find a cure.

I liked I Am Legend a lot...at first. It's a movie that brings you in and you find yourself involved in Neville's life. However, a while later now, I find that I like it less. There are gaping holes in the story that, at first, seem ok, things make sense. The more you think about the movie though, the more you start to see past the veneer. You start to ask questions, not the least of which is 'how?', how did he manage to survive on his own for three years? What happened as more and more people 'turned'? How did none of them know he was there?

I'm not the type that will fault a movie for straying too far from the source material. Let me tell you though that it strays pretty far from the source material. This is not necessarily a bad thing. The film has it's own identity though. The book's ending is rather bleak. It's not a Hollywood ending by any means. In the film, we are presented with a slightly more optimistic ending. An ending that, however, removes all context from those titular words 'I AM LEGEND'. And, while I understand that the ending had to be changed, I will forever regret that it was the case.

It wasn't a bad movie. It was, in fact, very enjoyable. It just wasn't a great movie. It was good, and felt great when I watched it, but officially will live in the realm of 'good'. 7 snares to trap you so that a pack of infected dogs can bet let loose to attack you out of 10.

Welcome to 2008

Sorry about the break, but, well, the holidays were a bit hectic and I just didn't get around to writing anything. I had...other things to do. Like play Dead Rising. Or Mass Effect. Or Gears of War. Or Assassin's Creed. On my new Xbox 360.

Yeah, I'm back in the realm of playing video games. And, as we've seen in the past, I'm easily distracted by them. And rightly so. I mean, they're so shiny.

And, holy shit, Assassin's Creed? Fucking hell dude. It's pretty goddamn sweet. Seriously, check this out...



Yeah. It's every bit as cool as that. There are 9 missions that you have to go on. 9 people you have to kill (and a bunch more that you can kill if you want to). You think, 9 missions? That seems kind of short. And, well, it probably could be. Except, the missions aren't all that easy. You have to gather information on your target by eavesdropping and pick pocketing. You may need to rough some people up for information. Others will trade information for your...discrete...services. Once you have all the information you need, you can go to the Assassin's Bureau to get the marker (aka permission) to complete your mission. Now you have to go find and kill your target. The whole thing can be made easier by climbing towers to reveal more of your map. When you know more about an area, your map will guide you to your targets.

It's a sweet game that I can't help but recommend to anyone willing to listen to me.

We'll get back to movies soon enough. But for now, understand that I have a mission to accomplish.