Tuesday, October 02, 2007

Two in the chest, one in the balls. That's whay I say.

In an effort to show how relevant I am to the times, here I am on new release Tuesday talking about a movie that comes out on DVD today. How topical!

You hear about a movie with a title like Flight of the Living Dead: Outbreak on a Plane, and inevitably you think at least one of the following three thoughts:

1) Is this a sequel to Outbreak? Do you think they got the same monkey to come back? Probably not. Fucking prima donna monkey probably wanted a huge trailer this time around.

2) This is going to be terrible. I wonder HOW terrible...

3) I have to see this.

If you're me however, it's all three.

It all starts with a pretty kick ass opening song and credits over some CGI internal organs. The song itself it pretty sweet, I actually ind of wish I knew what it was. From here it's onto a quick cliche check.

Flight attendents excited to see the 'sights' in Paris? Check.

Top secret government cargo? Check.

A retiring pilot flying his last flight? Check.

And this is only five minutes in! Well, into the movie of course, we're actually HOURS into the flight. Lets just say the plane is much closer to Paris than New York. But, there's a big storm forcing them to divert course. Of course the storm naturally 'shifts' the cargo, releasing the experiment. The cargo is a woman. Well, it was. The guard somehow has an automatic weapon on the plane and shoots the reanimated woman. She then comes back to life and kills the dude.

Quick passenger rundown now. You've got two pairs of horny teenagers who serve no purpose. A professional golfer. A cop transporting a prisoner. And a creepy guy who turns out to be a TSA agent. Overall, the plane is MAYBE half full.

All the turbulence is really beating the folks up. And our captain thinks someone should check on the 'cargo'...meanwhile, the turbulance has forced our cop to hit his head, knocking him out and letting his prisoner escape.

Of course, the zombie attacks and kills the people investigating. So, lets send more investigators! The TSA agent and the cop are going into the hold to look for the escaped prisoner. Normally, one would that that one of them will get bit and make it back up to the passenger deck to spread the disease. Is that what happens? No. Both make it out of the cargo hold without a bite.

They do get into a fight with the zombies in cargo though. And the TSA guy MISSES the zombie and hits a flight attendant on the passenger deck. And the first zombie makes it up out o f the cargo hold and attacked a different flight attendant. There's only one flight attendant left now.

Ok, you know how when zombies come out of the grave they do that hands through the dirt thing? They totally do that throught the floor of them plane. It was at this point that I decided that I love this movie!

For all of it's cliches, FotLD is one hell of a fun movie. My biggest complaint is the story line about the teens who are going to Paris and the stupid love triangle thing going on. There was no point to it other than to kill a little bit of time. It was fairly useless.

7 nuns praying in coach only to be devoured by zombies out of 10.