Friday, August 01, 2008

Shark Week: Plenty of 3 but no D.

When I was a kid, in the summer time, the big thing was going to the beach. It was always something to get excited about and brag to your friends about. It was cool, it was special. It was this huge, awesome place where you could run around and swim and sit in the sun and eat sandwiches and then swim again. You sat on towels and had a cooler filled with ice. There was a ritual to it. Going to the beach was akin to something almost mystical. And, growing up on Detroit's east side, you went to Metro Beach.

I haven't been there in years. In fact, I've been there maybe twice since I was a kid, and only once to the actual beach. For some reason though, I stopped up there tonight to be greeted by a sign:

No swimming? What's the point? This awe inspiring place is nothing now. Not through adult eyes. The beach is tiny and dirty and you can't even swim. If you want to go to Metro and go swimming, you have to go in the pool. A pool! At the beach! What a joke!

On more piece of my childhood ruined by reality. I was so depressed that I wanted to go drink! I refrained though. I took the high road. I decided that a shark movie would cheer me up. Something cheesy. Something with bad effects. Something with an implausible story would certainly return the smile to my face. So, I put in Jaws 3.

Lou Gosset Jr, Dennis Quaid, Lea Thompson, a big shark, water skiiers...what more could you want? I mean, the movie really has everything. Well, not really everything. As you probably know, the movie was made to be seen in 3-D, and, unfortunately, it no longer is. As a result the movie is filmed in such a way as to look interesting and exciting IN 3-D. In old fashioned 2-D though, it looks silly and distracting. 
And that the shark is able to eat someone Jonah and the Whale style with the someone fitting fully in the shark's mouth is just silly.

Jaws 3 might, might be fun if you get a chance to actually see it in 3-D. On the old TV, in only 2 dimensions, it's a bucket of suck. It spends too much time trying to do cute 3-D tricks instead of just acting natural and telling it's story. I mean, let's face it, shark run akok in Sea World is an interesting idea. The addition of some dolphin vs shark kung fu only does so much to help it. 5 of Mike Brody's sweat stained shirts out of 10.