Thursday, August 07, 2008

7 Things That I Would Steal In The Inevitable Riots That Would Occur Just Before The Apocalypse

I had another one of my brilliant blog-o-scope changing ideas recently. It's called....7 Things. The point of it is to make really useless lists consisting of 7 items. 7 things...7 dollar popcorn...get it*? Good. Besides, there enough lists of 5 and 10 out there, it's time that someone besides the Count** gave the number 7 a little love.

Really, it's more about creating a useful strategy for certain events. Imagine, if you will, that it's kind of like one of those Worst Case Scenario Survival Guides that you see in fine book stores***. Except, you know, written by me. And less informative. And less useful overall. And not it book stores, it's just on your computer.

So, lets start it off with a good one...

7 Things That I Would Steal In The Inevitable Riots That Would Occur Just Before The Apocalypse

1. A can opener

Let the suckers take all the non perishable items from the store. They'll come crawling to you when they can't get them open! Don't go for an electric though, obviously. Also, don't worry about the ones that supposedly don't leave a sharp edges. Fuck that shit. Leave the sharp edges, that way you have a pretty annoying weapon if someone crosses you or tries to steal your can opener.

2. A baseball bat

It's utilitarian. It's light weight. You can kill food with it. You can defend yourself with it. Also, you can play baseball with it. And, you never know, someone may have a ball and glove.

3. A vespa

It's the end of the world, and dammit I've always wanted a fucking Vespa. I'd steal one without even thinking about it. It's a suddenly short amount of time to accomplish all those life goals. Besides, with gas in short supply, getting more than 50 mpg ain't bad.

4. A monkey

Granted, you might have some trouble with this one, but a small monkey that you can train to assist you with mundane tasks like picking fruit could be very useful. And, monkeys look mean when their mad. That could be really useful.

5. Music

Might as well. You've been doing it for years, and now there's no RIAA to sue you. Of course, there may not be a you to sue for much longer so enjoy that new Coldplay record while you can.

6. A pair of really sweet sunglasses

The kind that you always liked but always thought were way overpriced. Grab them now. Everyone knows that sweet shades will get you serious street cred at the end of civilization.

7. A new pair of shoes

A good pair too. There's no reason to have sore feet when the world ends. You can always cook them and eat them too if you have to. Hell, it might be worth it to hoard shoes. They could be the currency of the post apocalyptic world and you could be the first shoe-billionaire.

*I was going to hold off until Friday on this one, but since it's the 7th, it seemed serendipitous
**Crazy purple bastard that he is. 
***This one is anyways. Others may be less like that.


Fletch said...

"You can kill food with it"

I don't know about you, but my Doritos are usually already dead when I find them. ;)

I'm with you on all but the monkey - that one sounds like a pain in the ass (not in the Dick Gere way, either). I don't want the responsibility of training some chimp as the world's ending, companion or no.

As for the can opener - sure, it'd make things easier, but it's not like cans are built like Fort Knox. A knife, rock, screwdriver, or just about any other hard object ought to do the trick. Hell, it's not like there'd be a need to worry about spilled milk, what with the poco lypsy on the way.

Unknown said...

Between you and me (and the rest of the internet...), I don't even eat meat. no need to kill a head of lettuce.

As far as the monkey, if you could find one that was already somewhat trained, like from a zoo or exotic pet store, it could be worth while. Every one will have a dog for defense/emergency food supply, but people would refer to you as the 'dude with the monkey' with luck, the stories of El hombre Con El Mono would proceed you and people would even possibly fear you, just a little.

And a can opener? Shit, it's pretty useful. the ordinary kitchen one can be used to open almost anything and has just enough heft to pass as a makeshift hammer for small items.

Media Kitten said...

A monkey can be very handy at the end of the world - just check out Y:The Last Man. Yorick found his monkey to be very useful.