Shark Week: This time it's personal edition

Did you really expect Shark Week to go by without me doing a Jaws movie? Really? You did? Wow. Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you then, because today we're looking at Jaws: The Revenge. Or, as I like to call it...The One Where No One Does Anything That Makes Any Goddamn Sense, I Mean, Come On!

What do I mean? Well, for one thing, when Sean goes out on the boat to move the piece of wood and is...I can only describe it as being pounced upon by a heretofore stationary shark and has his arm bitten off, he YELLS FOR HELP! There's no one fucking around! His best bet was to man up and pilot the boat back to shore, but no. The sissy screams for help until the shark kills him.

Micheal and his wife come up from the Bahamas for the funeral, and, ok, I'll admit, the scenes here between him and Ellen are...well, kind of touching. I guess. But enough of that, lets go to the Bahamas, where the water is too warm for great whites! But first, lets focus on the piece of wood that has now washed up on shore! Oh no! Wood!


It's frightening!

It's tragic!

It's unbelievable!It's a piece of fucking wood!
Ho-lee sh-yit!

To the Bahamas we go! You see, Michael is a...snail fighter. I don't know what he does. He tags conchs. That's what he does, along with Jack, someone who is OBVIOUSLY from one of the Caribbean islands. You can tell from his vaguely Jamaican accent. But one day, while sneaking up on the poor snails...a SHARK APPEARS!!


It's shocking!
It's terrifying!It's a fucking shark!
Ho-lee sh-yit!

At this point I can only shake my head and sigh. I mean, it's a movie about a shark attack that is essentially contrary to everything we know about shark behavior! Sharks don't take things personally. Sharks don't hunt you family because you killed one, they don't come back for revenge (bees on the other hand...). They don't stop and wait only to jump out of the bushes like some sort of wacky aquatic ninja. Do you know why? Because if the stop moving forward THEY DIE!

And while the shark has seemingly developed some sort of 'Brody-sense', Eleen has some sort of shark-sense. And it keeps tingling when the shark gets near a family member. And, why is she so scared? The shark kills 2 people. That's it. Sean dies in the beginning and then some random lady dies near the end. That's it. The shark destroyed almost as many planes!

And why the fuck does Eleen continually have flashbacks to events she was absent for? What the fuck is that about?

And the ending! What. The. Fuck. I mean, it just left me with this overwhelming, slack-jawed, 'huh?' feeling. I watched it the whole time just thinking 'wait. what?'

The movie is peppered with a sort of quasi-Carpenter meets Williams score. Which...I guess works if you try not to think about it. Though it's hard not to . I mean, it's the only thing going on to take your mind off of the terrible quick edits that plague every shark attack.

The sad thing is...I found it fairly enjoyable. I mean, if my choices were Shark Attack 3 or Jaws: The Revenge, well I'd pick Shark Attack 3, obviously. But, it wasn't like it was the worst movie ever. It was bad, sure. I mean, the acting was well below average, especially considering the actors in it. Not to mention that the story doesn't make a ton of sense and the whole things seems to have very little idea what it's doing or where it's going (I mean, the Ellen-Hoagie relationship is fairly unnecessary). And the shark...is it still the same shark from the first movie? Because it's looking pretty rough...and incredibly unlifelike...

5 planes eaten by sharks out of 10.