Friday, August 03, 2007

Shark Week: Alien shark edition

It's day 5 of Shark Week, the last day for me. I know, it's sad, huh? I mean, we've learned SO much about sharks this week. But, we've got one more to go, so lets do dis.

Today's movie is Raging Sharks staring Corbin Bernsen and Corin Nemec. Aka, two people with nothing better to do anymore. To be honest, the movie was a piece of shit. So much so that I don't even really want to review it. So...I'm not going to. Instead, I've got a special treat for you. See, I was talking to a good friend of mine while I was watching the movie, and with her permission, I am reposting a transcript here for you to read. Now, this is not a review, this is a real time conversation about the events of the film WHILE I was watching it. She, however, was not. She has, much to her benefit, never seen this movie. This does, however, paint a pretty good picture of what it's like to try to watch a movie with me.

(For the record, I did try to correct some typographical errors as well as move certain lines around so the they would make more sense (trust me, it had to be done) any remaining errors can and should be attributed solely to me)

Me: I don't envy myself...
Her: just wait a minute....
it *might* get a tiny small bit better
Me: It's a space ship!
Her: O_o
in a shark movie?
Me: It's Sharks Iiiiiiiiiinnnn Spppaaaaaacccee
Her: ...
i'm NOT saying anything....
Me: no, it's crazy looking alien costumes
two space ships crashed into each other
and one lost a thermos
and the thermos is heading for earth
where it's crashing through an exploding oil tanker
what are the odds???
all that sea, and it hits a boat
Her: aw i'm disappointed
i wanted someone to find it and give it a home
Me: or at least fill it with coffee
Her: exactly
Me: parker lews forgot to shave the bottom of his face
Her: why?
Me: i don't know
Her: he's got...

Me: no, it's sort of the opposite of that
just a bit of hair under his head
not on his neck
but not on his face either
it's all below his jawbone
Her: O_o
i was gonna say... what kind of weird ass movie are you watching....
Me: Raging Sharks
smarty-monkey ^^
uh oh! sharks are coming up on the welders!
Oh, no, they're dead now
Her: the sharks? or the welders?
Me: the welders
It's Raging SHARKS, remember?
Not Raging Welders
The cable went out on the ship
Her: never a good sign
Me: now, how are they going to watch HBO?
Her: OMG
exactly what i was thinking....
we're good ^^

Me: ok, I think that was the same shark footage as the last attack
apparently, there's a lawyer on the submarine, betcha he dies
Her: sneaaaaaakyyyyy
lawyer.... shark... lawyer-shark....
maybe they team up!!!!!

Me: they're being referred to as a school of sharks
dude fell off of a sea plane
and did cartwheels on the water
Her: Oh shit LOL
Me: it was HILARIOUS
Her: that's one cool way to go ^^

Me: corbin bernson looks like he was in this movie for the paycheck
Like his rent was late that month or something
so, he did a shit movie to get caught up
Her: 'cause thay actually got paid for that?
Me: well, yeah, he has to get paid
there are labor laws
Her: they should be charged when it concerns shit movies lol
Me: I think I saw part of this movie on the discovery channel last year
in one of their shark shows

Me: there's a LOT of stock footage
and they just found some rock candy in a stomach of a shark
Her: ...
the shark had eaten Willy wonka
Me: maybe
and now there's a news crew!
a lawyer, a reporter
a reporter in a white tank top
who fell in the water
the same shark chewing footage from earlier

Me: and a disembodied hand still attached to the camera
the lawyer is being a jerk
he wants to shut the lab down for some reason
I think he knows something
Her: why am i not surprised....
Me: and not just something about lawyering
and the sharks growl like lions
Her: the lawyer is .... fishy ahahahahahahah
Me: oh geez
did you really say that?
Her: ... it was Pia, she made me !!!!
i swear!!!
Me: Sure, blame the dog
do you do that when you fart too?
Her: well, since i have noone to be bothered by my occasionnal flatulence... nope LOL
Me: isn't that a great, LIBERATING feeling sometimes?
Her: what farting?
the submarine is exploding
for NO reason!
Her: the dirty crew guy pooted... and therefore...
but of course, they don't say that ...
this movie can only be discribed as...wacky
no, I think it has something to do with the alien thermos
Her: who put a thousand mentos in that vat of coke!!!!!!!
Me: that explains it, everyone knows you can't put soda in a thermos!
that's why it's rupturing orange stuff
Me: this is the wackiest fucking...
they're going to launch a torpedo at the 'school' of sharks
Her: ... and one of the sharks, will "jump" on top of it, and ride it like a wild bronco ^^
Me: they'll think it's another shark
and mate with it
Her: perverrrteeeeeedddddd
i like it ^^
Me: I think Parker Lewis found the thermos
Her: now throw it at the bottom of your locker!!
Me: with the gym shoes?
The sharks are coming back
Get out. of. the. ocean.
I have to admit, it's...
strangely captivating
Her: well, it's gotta be like... "what are they coming up with next!!!"
Me: kinda
I think the thermos stuff is making people angry and crazy
Her: "aarggghghghgh i dunno what that stuff is, but DAMN.... i want to killthings.... gahahahrrrrrr"
Me: the lawyer is some sort of gun toting shit
black ops guy
I liked him better when he was a lawyer
Her: that gave him a better edge?
or maybe you could hate him easier?
Me: he was just more sympathetic
now he's just homicidal
Parker Lewis can't shoot
Her: Parker lewis... can... lose?
Me: Parker Lewis can't fight a black ops guy
Her: parker lewis is going to get anihiliated
Me: Parker Lewis can't find his wife
Her: parker lewis is married???!!!
Me: Yeah
to a lady researcher
Her: hot stuff
Me: it's a trick, get an ax!
lady wife just shot black ops guy with a spear gun
You know, about 20 minutes ago
they had 10 minutes worth of oxygen lef
And now the place is on fire
that's weird
aw, Parker Lewis is getting all mushy with his lady wife
they think they're going to die
But, I bet Corbin Bernsen saves them
Um...unless the spaceship does
Her: "hold me tight"
I'm sorry Parker...
it's alright... i love you wife...
no... i mean... i'm SORRY Parker...
Her: well you know... stress isn't so good for the bowels...
Me: Wow, that's either a big thermos
or really small aliens
they are going to save everyone ^^
yaaaay aliens
Me: no
I don't think so
The lab just blowed up
Her: oops
someone forgot the explosive pot of coffee on...

Me: Wait
they survived that?
And so did murderous black ops guy
and so did a shark
who ate the black ops guy
they somehow swam to the sub
Her: ... and they all lived happily ever after, and had lots of little sharks? Me: half shark/half torpedoes
the sharks
the thermos?
Her: the almighty thermos????
Me: oy
Lot of russians in this movie
Me: all of the crew's names and in ov or va
Her: apparently Russian people can utilize shark footage very well ^^

So there you go. A transcript showing what it's like to watch a shit ass (but oddly entertaining) movie with me. And shit ass it was. 4 aliens retrieving a cold fusion thermos out of 10.


insomniac said...


I loved it :)

Unknown said...

It was a a bad movie, but there was really a lot of cheesy fun to be had. It's the kind of movie you watch with a couple friends and just make fun of it.