MSN DVD Guide Part 2

Some days, I love MSN Movies. I mean, it's just nice to be able to talk about something, and it doesn't hurt that I don't respect their opinions.

Today it's "Cold Blooded Killers" aka Reptiles. I guess it has something to do with the Sam Jackson masterpiece that's sweeping the nation... You know, the movie that BARELY squeked out a win last weekend at the box office. The on that BARELY beat a movie that was been out for 3 weeks. The one that barely beat out a movie that they don't even show commercials for anymore. Yeah, the one that was supposed to be HUGE because of the buzz on the interweb. I never understood the hype.

Regardless, MSN did a list of their top ten giant lizards/reptiles/monsters/whatever...

10. "Raiders of the Lost Ark" (1981) and sequels
I guess this world also double as a prequel, call it Snakes in a Temple. Or, here we go, Indiana Jones 4: Snakes in a Retirement Home. Ha! I'm funny.

9. "Gamera: The Guardian of the Universe" (1995)
I loved this movie. Check it out, it's a lot of fun.

8. "Lake Placid" (1999)
Really...not that good. Despite Bill Pullman and Oliver Platt.

7. "Alligator" (1980)
I guess it's hard to make fun of a movie I've never heard of. I'm, uh, sure that it's a classic.

6. "Anaconda" (1997)
Jennifer Lopez's screen test for Gigli.

5. "Tremors" (1990)
Giant, man eating worms feel vibrations in the ground, but can't move rocks. Some how, this end up on AMC a bit too often.

4. "The Lost World" (1925)
Not to be confused with the Jurassic Park sequel.

3. "King Kong" (1933/2005)
Fuck you and the skyscraper you rode in on.

2. "The Creature From the Black Lagoon" (1954)
Part Aquaman, part Swamp Thing, all...um...Creature?

1. "Godzilla" (1954)
Well, of course he's number 1! I would have scrapped this in protest if he hadn't been. (Unless Khing Ghidorah had been #1...or Rodan).

Speaking of which, how come they aren't on the list? Why isn't Jurassic Park? Come on! King Kong makes the list for it's T-Rex, but Jurassic Park doesn't! What a load of shit.

What the crap is this?

I bought the 2 Disc Special Edition of V for Vendetta because, apparently, I am a sucker. See, it's not really all that special. Oh, sure, there's the second disc, and there's a couple of nice little featurettes about the comic and turning it into a movie, but I don't think it's enough to warrant a seperate edition of the movie.

And on top of it all, there is NO commentary on it. You know what that means? There's going to have to be a SUPER Special Edition at some point that I'll have to buy and pay even more for! The fuckin Wachowski's are as bad as that shit Lucas! Ya bastards!

That's all, you can go back to...well, sleep I guess.

I should have known better

I went to see Pulse on Friday. Here's the thing, 1) it was pg-13 (strike one), 2) it's a remake of a Japanese movie (strike 2), C) it was opening after having it's release pused back twice (strike 3) and D) it was a 9:45 showing on opening night and the theater was all but empty (apparently in this game, you get 4 strikes).

What I'm getting at is that I should have KNOWN that it wasn't going to be all that good. Now, I kind of liked the original, and I like Kristen Bell, but this was just not a good movie. Where the original was very much about loneliness and isolation, the remake was about ghosts...escaping from computers. Which was a stupid idea and horribly executed.

The sad thing is that I'll probably buy it when it comes out on DVD (that shouldn't take long), since I have the original and I like having both versions of a movie like this. I have both versions of Dark Water and I still haven't even bothered to watch the American version. Hell, I have the American, Japanese AND Korean versions of The Ring.

Half circle back, it's always half circle back

I was playing Resident Evil 4 when I hurt my back on Saturday. Well, I was getting up from sitting on the floor. Regardless, yes, I injured myself playing a video game. That's pretty irrelevant, but I figured I'd tell you anyways.

So, while I'm playing, I think to myself, as I often do (because if I weren't thinking it, I'd be talking and there was no one around, I would have been talking to myself, and really it's quieter if I just think it), that it would make a great movie. Then I thought, but most game based movies suck. Why do they suck so much? Wel, I think I kind of have an answer.

Think about it. Games are long. They're kinda convoluted. You keep going back and forth through mazes, fighting bosses and mini bosses and hitting question blocks and collecting coins. Most of this isn't all that exciting to watch. Look through your grandfather's coin collection with him someday, not nearly as exciting as a good Mario game, is it?

There are so many levels. Each level has it's big bosses and fights, but in a movie, it's a bunch of mini climaxes that serve no purpose.

And, the production value has increased in a way that the animation is as good as anything Hollywood is doing and the voice talent is getting better and better. It's almost a shame to use other people!

You can't stick too closely to the game as a result. So, you kind of have to make up your own story in that universe. For some, it works out pretty well. Resident Evil may not be the best movie ever made, but it's not horribly ridiculous, and they're still making them. Silent Hill was pretty good (and will be on DVD in about 2 weeks). Doom, not so much. Mortal Kombat, Street Fighter...okay, fighting games probably shouldn't be made into movies. It's kind of silly to begin with.

I guess we just shouldn't be surprised when a game adaptation turns to shit. I doubt anyone will ever really get it right, though I guess they have to keep trying, but it seems to me that it will alsways be a lost cause.

What about a series of short films? Or 1 hour specials on tv? You could do the level/boss thing pretty well that way. It might make a cool miniseries...you listening HBO?

Quick Reviews of Bad Movies

I had this idea over the weekend. It was an idea that could change the world, for the better, this time. An idea that could very well change the course of human evolution. It's the kind of thing that your grandkids will learn about in their history classes, and you'll tell them where you were when it happened. That idea? Quick Reviews of Bad Movies. A new feature here at 7dp. And today, it's a special Inagural Stallone Edition.

Demolition Man: It was no Tango & Cash.

Judge Dredd: It was no Demolition Man.

Remember, you were witness to history in the making.

Oops.

So, I was screwing around with my layout yesterday, just thinking about making some changes...and well, I screwed up and apparently made those changes. I will be attempting to get things back to normal, but it I can't, it may be some more changes before it's all done.

Yeah, I'm a big ol fuckup sometimes. Oh well.

Does this help? I hope it helps.

So, EW.com posted this stupid "I Will Survive" article that has nothing to do with Gloria Gaynor, but instead is their guide to surviving in a horror movie.

It was stupid. Let me tell you why...

"When exploring nature, come prepared"
Because Boy Scouts never get killed in horror movies. Inevitably, they are able to fend for themselves using a swiss army knife and their knowledge of fancy knots.

"Don't piss off truck drivers"
They just mind their own business. It's when you piss them off that they turn into raging psychos. It's not like a guy in a minivan could possibly run you off the road and kill you, even if he IS wearing a trucker hat. Speaking of which, if you ARE wearing a trucker hat, please, piss off the truckers...

"Remember that old saying about curiosity..."
It killed the cat. But cats are tasty. I'm kidding, I've never eaten a cat. This is a saying that I hate to begin with. Curiosity has cured so many diseases, created so much technology. It's why we discovered America and went to the moon, so don't give me this shit about curiosity being bad...You probably still think the moon is made out of cheese you jerk.

"Never pick up a hitchhiker"
What? Come on, EW, where's your sense of adventure? Don't you ever do anything fun? No, apparently not, it's the lack of curiosity, isn't it. It makes you drive around in you khakis and you're button down shirt in you Subaru at the posted speed limit singing along with the local adult contemporary station. I'm sorry that your life is so boring.

"Monitor what your kids watch on TV"
That's great advice. They could be watching...well, Sesame Street, or Barney. That's some frightening shit.

"Beware of backroads"
You see a scary backroad, I see a shortcut...to adventure.

"Always follow your gut"
As it goes flying out of you at the end of a knife. Try and hold on.

"Don't hit and run"
What?!? What do you want me to do? Hit and stick around? Hit and walk? No! I hit something, I'm outta there as quick as I can. I'm out of there quicker than you can make a lip synching joke when you hear Milli Vanilli.

"Before sending the kids to a summer camp, read up on its history"
Kills the mystery. And besides, all the good stuff isn't published. It's told around the campfire.

"Stay off the Internet"
If I did that, I wouldn't be writing this. I also never would have read this article. Maybe I should listen to this one...

"Finally: If your ice cream moves... don't eat it!"
Ok, you know what? I'll give you this one.

FGFC: 6 chicks, a cabin and no pillowfight

Let's try something new today. In my attempt to finally join the illustrious Final Girl Film Club, I'm watching The Descent. Though, in a lot of ways it's unique in comparison with the others blogging this film. See, Ms. Ponder intended this to be a field trip. I, however, was unable to get my permission slip signed and am instead doing the make up assignment of watching my imported British version of the film.

So, I decided that I would do something a little different myself...I am currently writing this as a man was impaled by a metal rod. That's right, this is live baby. There's no turning back either. It's first star to the right and straight on until dawn from here on out. Unless I have to go turn the volume up...

The volume is now acceptable. The lights, in the hallway, are chasing this woman who's name I haven't caught...until her friend catches her. The husband and daughter are dead.

Fast forward like a year, I think, to the Appalachians here in the US of A. These chicks talk funny. Even for being in the south.

They found Juno! That wasn't much of a challenge. And an animal skull that may double as a doorbell.

This lady has an even funnier accent. It's Irish or Scotish. I don't think I like her very much. Her name is Holly.

Those pajamas are hot!

If you didn't know about this movie, if you were just flipping though channels and stumbled upon this, it could be a Lifetime movie, but with less date rape. There's nothing special about it...yet...and then something happened...something broke? I don't know...I was typing instead of paying attention. Damn me!

It's morning now and Juno is jogging...

I like this, a lot of screaming and noises as misdirection. Trying to startle you even though nothing is happening...

It occurs to me, that you may end up learning more about this than you want if you continue reading...be warned.

It's a level two cave! Oh no! Someone find me my level 12 Chaotic Good Paladin! (yes, I just made a D&D joke)

Hey, don't they need that book...why leave it...oh never mind.

Over the river and through the woods, to a level two cave we go. There's a lot of rules for caving it would seem. I don't remember the tour at Mammoth Cave being this complex, but, I was 13 then and, well, I probably wasn't paying attention.

Stop me if you've heard this one, 6 girls enter a cave...

Caves are dark...I should turn my light off...you know, to set the mood. There, mood set to dark and sweaty. I wonder if I'll be able to type in the dark. I suppose I can. I'm pretty goddamn talented if I do say so myself.

Was that a hand imprint? Holy flying bats, batman, that was a shit ton of bats!

Okay, so, at this point, I'd be freaking out. Confined areas with no visible exit are the devil.

Oh thank god, someone brought a video camera. Maybe this will turn into The Blair Witch.

There's water dripping. I wonder what you do if you have to pee in this situation. It's not like there's a public restroom anywhere nearby...

They are all wearing those mining helmets with the lights on them. I think I need a light on my head...oh yeah. This helps the typing. I can see keys again. This won't last long. It's awfully warm in here.

Ok, the air is on now, and this LED on my head is making me feel a lot like a Borg, so it's got to go. Back to typing in the dark. How did Sarah get stuck? A lemon can't have an orgasm. What kind of joke is that? It's not even a good pun.

Rocks fall everyone dies.

Oh, no, no they're alive. And bitchy.

You didn't bring the book! You dummy. This isn't Boreham Caverns? An ego trip? Can you book that through Priceline? A new system? This is like Star Trek, and they're the Enterprise...ooh, which one is the unnamed ensign with the red shirt?

I can see how a flare would be handy to light a cave, but flares create a lot of smoke and fumes, wouldn't that be a BAD thing in an enclosed area? Like a cave? Maybe it's a special cave flare...

That's an interesting place for a naturally occurring metal hook to latch onto to appear...I thought that this was the FIRST time anyone had been here...

Okay, I could never hang from the ceiling of a cave. I'm too damn terrified of heights.

Damn that rope fucked up her hand. How are you going to sterilize that? It's gonna get infected! And gross. Ew.

Cave paintings? Juno is a bit of a bitch. The cave paintings suggest they may be able to get out. Ha! Take that Juno!

Holly is running ahead of the group..because, well, someone has to be the stupid one. Well, what can I sat, smart people don't fall down fucking holes! At least, not as often.

Yeah, bone sticking out, that leg is broken. That's gross, bone? Yeah, that's horrible, in such a horrible way.

It GOLLUM! And Juno! They're both kind of scary.

Two miles underground? Damn, that sucks. Especially if you've got someone with a broken leg!

Infared camera + shit ton of bones = wishing there was no camera...

Goddamn you gollum! I knew you were there you fucker. And you still startled me!

6 girls, screaming and running...yeah, they're not going to DRAW ATTENTION to themselves.

Damn, I guess that broken leg doesn't matter any more. This thing is like a combination between Gollum, Nosferatu and a blind cave fish. And there's more than one of them. Well, now there's one less. Good job Juno. No, wait, she wasn't one of them...

I wonder if this was on location, or sets...I guess a combination probably.

Those look like...well, not animal bones...something else? I'm trying to be vague if you haven't seen this. Is it working?

This could have been kind of a cool video game. Part Tomb Raider, part Silent Hill, part RPG in reverse. Something where you lose skills as you go on instead of gaining them.

I think these things are part T-rex too, they seem to ignore you if you're still...oh, it's the noise. That's reasonable.

They're in three "groups" now. 4 of them are still alive. I wonder if there is anything in the Worst Case Scenario Survival Guide for this situation...

Juno would be a lot more attractive is she wasn't such a horrible person. It's an "ugly on the inside" kind of effect.

Yeah, I thought something needed to jump out at us pretty soon.

I think they just implied the Juno was fucking Sarah's dead husband. Well, he was alive at the time...but, wow. Interesting. That explains...well, a little. Ok, a lot. So much!

Okay, part t-rex and part cat.

The female cave monsters, much to my surprise, have hair. Neat.

I love the use of color and light. Red light, white light, green light. It creates a cool effect and makes you see thing a very specific kind of way.

Aw, damn! That was a bone in the eye! And that was a femur to the head! Sweet.

Juno just walked into a bunch of those fuckers in what appeared to be a lunch meeting. Who brought the martinis? Anyone? Damn!

I love the look of hanging from the ceiling and turning the camera upside down.

And then there were 3. Or 2.

I think she just gave that thing a titty twister from hell!

Dynamite would be awesome right now. Not to collapse the cave, but imagine how the loud bang in such an enclosed place would effect everyone's hearing. The monsters primary method of hunting would be eliminated.

Sarah is reminding me a lot of Linda Hamilton/Sarah Conner from T2, even the outfit.

I wonder, I hear the ending was changed for the US release, so, at this point, we may be seeing two very different things. This is the second time I've seen this now (the first was before the birth of this fine corner of the interweb) and I feel like I should avoid talking about the end here. Even to try to point out any changes. I will say that it put the last episode of Newhart to shame.

I liked the ending the way it was though. There's a certain fatalism to it that I really like. A bit of ambiguity that I've come to appreciate. It's not the typical Hollywood ending that you expect.

Well, I hope you enjoyed this. It's a little long, and pretty random, but I'm glad you took the time to hang out with me. And I promise the next thing I do will be...well, shorter if not more coherent. Good night everybody!

That's sick

I've been trying to check out the audio commentary on Resident Evil. For some reason, I hadn't done this before. I suppose it's only strange because I really liked this movie and usually that means that I try to check out as much of the special features as I can.

So the commentary has actresses Milla Jovovich, Michelle Rodriguez, directoy Paul W.S. Anderson and producer Jeremy Bolt. And you know, it's the perfect kind of commentary. You listen to them and can tell they're having fun. The commentary isn't real dry like on some movies, there's a lot of joking around. Milla sounds like Ben Affleck on any of Kevin Smith's commentaries. Rodriguez can't pronounce Jovovich (despite repeated corrections) and also seems to have some sort of fascination with things being "sick". It's sort of like an Anti-Paris Hilton kind of phrase.

It's fun though beacuse they don't just talk about the movie (in fact the hardly talk about the movie), they obviously had fun making it together and the talk about a lot of the background stuff. What they did when they weren't shooting or on set. Hell, Milla even talks about her nipple being on screen.

I guess it's the part of movie making that I'm most curious of at the moment. The peripheral stuff that you don't think about. Going to the bar when you're on location. That's fascinating...but then, I could be a loser who's trying to live vicariously through others.

Told you I'd get around to posting it

It was mentioned to me the other day that it may be a little odd that I have not seen The Big Easy. I think that's the one she found odd. There's a lot of movies that I haven't seen though. Movies I have no interest in ever seeing. Let's take a look at some:

Brokeback Mountain
-Let's talk about the elephant in the living room first. I will probably never see this movie. And now you're thinking, "can't you handle a movie with some dudes kissing?" It's got nothing to do with that. I'm just not a fan of serious movies. If a movie doesn't look fun I won't enjoy it and I'm not going to try to watch a movie I won't enjoy.

Titanic
-Overhyped bullshit. Didn't care in 97, don't care now.

The Deer Hunter
Apocolypse Now
Deliverance
-But, I make references to them all the time

Goodfellas
The Godfather
Scarface
-What are you going to do? I don't care for mob movies.

Signs
-My friend loaned this two me two months ago…I swear I'll watch it eventually.

Texas Chainsaw Massacre
-Though I do OWN a copy of it

Friday the 13th
-Not a single one of them.

Halloween
-I saw one of them. H2O. I know, I suck.

I've seen Jaws in bits and pieces. Nightmare on Elm Street 5 is the only one that I've seen all the way through in one sitting. I watch a lot of movies a little bit at a time.

Ok, so I can't really think of anything else right now. All I'm getting at is that there are tons of movies that I've never seen. And it's hard to be too surprised that I haven't seen something just because you think everyone has seen it. I don't think it's odd if you haven't seen Star Wars. (Though I do think it's weird that you didn't see any of the Indiana Jones movies.)