So, EW.com posted this stupid "I Will Survive" article that has nothing to do with Gloria Gaynor, but instead is their guide to surviving in a horror movie.
It was stupid. Let me tell you why...
"When exploring nature, come prepared"
Because Boy Scouts never get killed in horror movies. Inevitably, they are able to fend for themselves using a swiss army knife and their knowledge of fancy knots.
"Don't piss off truck drivers"
They just mind their own business. It's when you piss them off that they turn into raging psychos. It's not like a guy in a minivan could possibly run you off the road and kill you, even if he IS wearing a trucker hat. Speaking of which, if you ARE wearing a trucker hat, please, piss off the truckers...
"Remember that old saying about curiosity..."
It killed the cat. But cats are tasty. I'm kidding, I've never eaten a cat. This is a saying that I hate to begin with. Curiosity has cured so many diseases, created so much technology. It's why we discovered America and went to the moon, so don't give me this shit about curiosity being bad...You probably still think the moon is made out of cheese you jerk.
"Never pick up a hitchhiker"
What? Come on, EW, where's your sense of adventure? Don't you ever do anything fun? No, apparently not, it's the lack of curiosity, isn't it. It makes you drive around in you khakis and you're button down shirt in you Subaru at the posted speed limit singing along with the local adult contemporary station. I'm sorry that your life is so boring.
"Monitor what your kids watch on TV"
That's great advice. They could be watching...well, Sesame Street, or Barney. That's some frightening shit.
"Beware of backroads"
You see a scary backroad, I see a shortcut...to adventure.
"Always follow your gut"
As it goes flying out of you at the end of a knife. Try and hold on.
"Don't hit and run"
What?!? What do you want me to do? Hit and stick around? Hit and walk? No! I hit something, I'm outta there as quick as I can. I'm out of there quicker than you can make a lip synching joke when you hear Milli Vanilli.
"Before sending the kids to a summer camp, read up on its history"
Kills the mystery. And besides, all the good stuff isn't published. It's told around the campfire.
"Stay off the Internet"
If I did that, I wouldn't be writing this. I also never would have read this article. Maybe I should listen to this one...
"Finally: If your ice cream moves... don't eat it!"
Ok, you know what? I'll give you this one.
