Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Shark Week Day 2: Sharkidiles

So here's the deal dude. We're gonna totally go out to this tropical island and surf. I know, I'm stoked. There's more though. Get this, this island. Surrounded by sharks. Sweet, right? We're gonna chum the water and rile 'em up. And, bro, we're gonna film it. Blood surfing, dude. So sweet.

Admitedly, I have no idea how to talk like a surfer. I grew up in the Midwest. What do you want?

With a premise like that, though, Blood Surf seems like it'd be an awesome shark movie. Until you find out more.  The surfers and a photog and a douche bag go to this island and start filming. And things go mostly well. Everyone is all excited. Until people start to die.

People like the kind boat captain and his wife, and his daughter. No one really cares. 

Imagine this. You got to the island on a boat. It's been sunk. There are 'remains' in the water. Your amazing footage was on the boat, it's at the bottom of the bay. You're stranded. What do you do? If you said 'Dive in and search for the tape'. You win today's prize of having your ass chewed off by a crocodile. Congratulations. You deserve it.

Yeah, you see, there's not just sharks in there water. There's a giant croc. A croc so big Steve Irwin would've pissed his khaki shorts. And it at the boat. And the captain. And his wife. And their daughter. And then the pirates who tried to capture the surfers.

Luckily, there's one man who can save them...Captain Goddamn Ahab, or Dirks as he was called in the movie. Dude's hell bent on revenge after the croc ate his passengers some time back (show in dramatic fuzzy flashback). He's going to kill that croc or die trying. Along with him is his strangely antisocial girlfriend. She's a little tough to explain...um...she's kinda bitchy to everyone and it's not really explained.

So...Ahab's revenge brings them back to the island. In a dead boat. And short one surfer. No one is too upset though. In all honesty. no one gets too upset when ANYONE dies. They have a pretty cavalier attitude about it all. Hell, when Mr Douche Bag dies, right in front of their eyes, no one gets upset...they just have quips ready to go.

Once ashore, they have to make for the ruins, with the croc giving chase.They make it though, and what happens then, you ask? The girls taunt the croc with their tits. Because...you know...crocs care. THEY AREN'T EVEN MAMMALIAN! Crocodiles don't see any appeal in your breasts. None. At all!

People died throughout the movie, and no one is ever that bothered. It's weird. All of these characters...and none of them have anything resembling human emotions.

You know what though? It's a fun movie.

It's cheesy and the acting is awful. The characters choices are unlikely to make any sense. You know what though, that's kind of why it's fun. You're almost just rooting against everyone. The entire time. My biggest complaint about the movie is the running time. Cut out the pirates (who add nothing to the story) and some of the shark stuff in the beginning...you could tell this story in a well paced hour. It's biggest problem is that it just takes too long to build up to anything.