A Life in Movies Blogathon

Last year, you may remember Fandango Groovers Movie Blog did a Desert Island DVD Blogathon, and I participated! Well, they're back with another Blogathon, A Life In Movies.

Following the unexpected popularity of the Desert Island DVDs blogathon I organized last year I am inviting fellow bloggers to tell us what their favourite* movies are from each year of their life so far.  You can put as much or as little effort into you list as you wish. It could just be a list of movies, you may with to add a sentence or two about the movies or what they mean to you, you can brighten it up with images, posters or trailers. The choice is yours.

 Well, hells bells, that sounds fun. Fun enough for me to take some time out from blatant self promotion and join in!

So, I was born in 1980, and haven't seen a single movie that came out in 2011 so far. So, that establishes our range. So...lets start:

	Year	Title	Comments
	Welcome to the 80's!
	1980	The Empire Strikes Back	Like I would put something ELSE in here!
	1981	Raiders of the Lost Ark	Tough one. I love Clash of the Titans and History of the World, Part 1...but I love Raiders just a little bit more!
	1982	Blade Runner	Another tough one because The Thing was great, but Blade Runner has just had too big an impact on me.
	1983	Return of the Jedi	Jedi. Done.
	1984	Temple of Doom	Real tough one here. This is the first year where I start remembering seeing a lot of different movies. I'm giving the nod to Indy because it's one I still love to watch.
	1985	Return of the Living Dead	Re-Animator is a close 2nd.
	1986	Big Trouble in Little China	Shut up, Mr. Burton! You were not brought upon this world to get it!
	1987	Evil Dead II	Jaws 4 is, and I'm not kidding, a very close 2nd.
	1988	Young Guns	Did you see the size of that chicken?
	1989	Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade	It's my favorite of the three in fact.
	Onward to the 90's!
	1990	Back to the Future: Part III	I might be the only person you know who says that this is their favorite of the 3.
	1991	T2	Of course.
	1992	Encino Man	It's Pauly Shore's best work and you know it.
	1993	Jurassic Park	I don't even know what else came out this year.
	1994	Clerks	Just for the sheer impact it had on me.
	1995	Johnny Mnemonic	What? We all know I love this movie. And while some amazing movies came out this year, if you put all of them on DVD in front of me, I would end up watching Johnny Mnemonic. I know I would!
	1996	Star Trek: First Contact/Trainspotting	It's a tie. One is my favorite Star Trek movie, the other my favorite Danny Boyle movie.

	1997	Grosse Pointe Blank	This just as easily could have been Event Horizon or The Fifth Element or Cube or The Game. In fact, if I swapped GPB out for any of those others, I would be just as comfortable/conflicted with my choice.
	1998	Zero Effect	I really had to fight not to say Armageddon, as bad as it is, I really do like it.
	1999	Godzilla 2000	This was the Godzilla movie that really got me into the series. For that reason, it barely beats out The Matrix.
	Into a new century
	2000	Snatch	Though Battle Royale would have been just as acceptable.
	2001	Session 9	While it could have (and probably SHOULD have) been something else, I really do love this movie.
	2002	The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers	This is one of my favorite movies of ANY year.
	2003	Oldboy	This would have been my first exposure to Korean movies
	2004	Shaun of the Dead	I hate not having Kung Fu Hustle here, but I can't
	2005	Serenity	It was almost Land of the Dead
	2006	Pan's Labyrinth	I really REALLY wanted to put Slither here.
	2007	Hot Fuzz	Nothing else even comes close.
	2008	Let the Right One In	Hellboy 2 was here until I remembered that this one came out in 08 and I saw it in SLC.
	2009	The Brothers Bloom	Once again, it's just a movie that I love, regardless of year. Nothing else from 09 was going to come close.
	The twenty...teens?
	2010	True Grit	I really didn't see many movies in 2010. I did see this, and enjoy it. Centurion would have been another good choice.
	2011	Dead Woods	Ok, so it's the movie I was in. I know I said I'd get away from self promotion for the day...I lied. Oh well. http://www.deadwoodsmovie.com

* I was about to correct the spelling of favorite, but then it occurred to me that it must be a British site, and I will respect that particular cultural difference.

A to Z Blogathon: D is for Day Watch (Revisited)

You probably don't remember this, but a few years ago I took a look at a poorly subtitled, import* version of the movie Day Watch. At the time, I was greatly perturbed by the poor subtitles, and found the idea of the Chalk of Destiny to be at least a little silly. However, I feel that I've grown since then, and have also bought the official US DVD of the movie. It's one that I've been wanting to revisit for some time. I recently re-watched Day Watch's predecessor, Night Watch, and also the book upon which the two movies are based (also called Night Watch). On top of all that, I never really felt that my original review** of Day Watch really did the movie justice***.

So, since it was a movie I was looking to revisit right about now anyways, it seemed to me that it would be the perfect contribution to 1416 and Counting's A to Z Blogathon. In more ways than one, really. For one thing, if you read 1416 and Counting, you'll quickly realize that the blog's author, Caitlin, seems to have a thing for all things Russian. On top of that, Day Watch star Konstantin Khabenskiy is 1416 and Counting's Hot Old Man for the month of May. It really does seem as someone used the Chalk of Destiny**** to make sure I stopped playing Puzzle Quest for a while and wrote about this movie sooner, rather than later.

Day Watch picks up about a year after the end of Night Watch.That's not entirely true. The movie starts by telling the story of Tamerlane and his retrieval of the Chalk of Fate*****. You see, using this magic chalk, you can rewrite history, as well as doodle some sweet shit on the sidewalk. That's not important at the moment. What is important is that Anton is training Svetlana to be part of the Night Watch******. They show up to investigate a crime that it turns out was committed by Yegor, Anton's son. Anton tries to cover this up and gets framed for a murder as thanks. So, he and Olga switch bodies and...and, the more I think about it...it's very difficult to sum this movie up in just a handful of words. Especially if I'm going to be choosing words that make sense. There's a lot going on, and not a ton of explanation.

I'm going to be brutally honest here. You don't have to read Night Watch for this movie to make sense, but it helps. There are a lot of things that the movie expects you to just kind of 'get'. It expects that you've seen Night Watch and read the book and already have an idea of what's going on and who everyone is and what their place in this world is and...that's probably a bad thing. While the story is interesting, and the movie itself is captivating, I could see many people getting lost pretty easily with it. And, I think that the fault for that falls squarely on Timur Bekmambetov.

I will say, what I like about Timur Bekmambetov and his films (Day Watch, Night Watch and Wanted)...the guy knows how to create interesting action sequences. There's always something you haven't really seen before, or at the very least, something you've seen but now with a bit of a new twist on it.That might be a bit of a fault as well though. So much effort is put into these exciting and unique action sequences that the stories themselves tend to be weak.

All in all, I liked Day Watch. If you've seen Night Watch it's worth seeing as a continuation of the story. In itself, there isn't much setup to make a third movie, so this is probably all you'll ever get as far as the movie adventures of Anton Gorodetsky. Which is too bad as Anton is an interesting character and Khabenskiy does an excellent job of playing him. I couldn't imagine anyone else playing the character now. Even in the book, I picture Khabenskiy. In fact, if someone else HAD played Anton, I don't think either film would have been as good.

*bootleg
**I hate calling what I do 'reviews' sometimes. I feel that it gives reviews a bad name in general.
***That was a joke. I know you're sitting there thinking "I couldn't tell. Usually jokes are funny"******. What can I say, I like to defy expectations that way********.
****This one won't either.
*****The name of the Chalk is slightly different in this translation.
******The movie assumes you've seen Night Watch, so I will, too.
*******Fuck you*********.
********My favorite joke is 'Two guys walk into a bar. The third guy ducks.' It's admittedly not funny at all, but I love it all the same.
*********Yes, I'm adding footnotes to the footnotes. I'm recursive like that.*********
**********I hope I got all my asterisks in the right places.

Ryan Reynolds is the greatest actor alive.

It's a popular question. A question tossed around during happy hours across the country. Who is America's greatest living actor? De Niro? Amateur. Pacino? Ham. Shatner? Genius, but not enough of one.

No, our greatest living actor can only be Ryan Rodney Reynolds. I hear you out there asking "How can he be America's greatest living actor if he was born in Canada?"

Shut up, no one asked you.

Reynolds, of course, came to prominence as the stand out performer of the hit ABC series Two Guys, A Girl, And a Pizza Place (later renamed to Two Guys and a Girl when it was discovered that no pizza place could contain Ryan Reynolds). TGAGAAPP also introduced the world to that Harrison Ford wannabe, Nathan Fillian, which just goes to show that with anything good, there is also some bad.



Reynolds then went on to his breakout role as Van Wilder in Van Wilder, an instant classic destined to weather the years in much the same way that Caddyshack has. Ironically, van Wilder also starred the amazingly talented, and always lady-like, Tara Reid. The chemistry between the two recalled some of the great Bogart-Bacall movies and some of the great Hope-Crosby films. Truly the two were perfect for the roles (and, really, should be considered as a pair for any movie).

If these first couple of roles left any doubt over the genius of Ryan Reynolds, his performances in Blade: Trinity and The Amityville Horror shattered them.

Truly, it is only a matter of time until the Academy recognizes Ryan Reynolds. In fact, I can already see him as Best Supporting Actor nominee in 2010 for his role in X-Men Origins: Wolverine. And let me tell you, it will be long overdue.

I <3 Remakes

Seriously. I'm starting to come around. I'm starting to think that EVERY movie should be a remake. Come on guys, they're just movies. It's not like someone is coming in and retaking your family vacation pictures with fancy new digital cameras and hot young actors. No one is trying to take you and your mom out of those old Christmas photos and replace you guys with Angelina Jolie and the kid from Harry Potter. Even if they should! I mean, I've seen your old Christmas photos, not pretty dude.

Like I said, they're just movies. Who cares? Maybe when it was made originally, those were just the best available choices. Maybe now is the right time for a remake of The Godfather directed by Paul WS Anderson and starring Jack Black. Why not give it a shot and see how it works?

Hell, I know that all you movie nerds think De Niro is 'teh bestez evarz' but I don't see why Ryan Reynolds couldn't be an even better Travis Bickle*.

Hell, aren't you ready for a Jaws remake?

But those are movies from the 70's! Why wait so long? Think about what Jurassic Park did with technology from 93, just imagine how amazing an updated version could be. I mean, hell, it was 15 years ago when it came out! Who remembers anything from that long ago?

Why not an all CGI Dark Crystal? Think about how amazing that would be! I mean, come on, it's puppets! And that Henson was a no talent hack anyways.

Or, hell, everyone loved The 40 Year Old Virgin, let's remake that. I know it's only a couple years old, but...fuck it! It was hilarious! Why not make a new version of it EVERY YEAR? It would be a guaranteed money maker!

What about you guys? What's your dream remake? Let's hear them in the comments!


*All I'm saying is that Ryan Reynolds might be the greatest actor of our generation. Seriously.

Ryan Reynolds Movie Poster Monday

This weeks Ryan Reynolds movie poster is for his recent romantic comedy Definitely, Maybe. Which is being released on DVD tomorrow, June 24th.

Now, of course, this poster is destined to be remembered years from now as a classic and a collector's item. I mean, there's Ryan (the greatest actor of our generation), front and center with a child on his shoulders and three ladies staring lustfully at him. Really, all of his movies should use this same layout.

The Forgotten Hero of Indiana Jones

Cerebral Mastication is having an Indiana Jones Blog-a-thon this week. Hmm...I like Indiana Jones, I'm even almost excited about the new movie. Almost. But, what could I write about? I mean, it's kind of pointless (not to mention boring) to review any of the movies. Someone else already covered The Temple of Doom, so, no need to re-tread that path. Then I started thinking...

It's something that I've wondered about before, something that has crept into my mind occasionally while trying to figure out what this life is all about. I can't shake it, it's the kind of question that will plague me until my dying day...

What the hell happened to Short Round?

Wikipedia claims that he was born in 1924, making him 12 or 13 when he was kicking around India with Indy in 1935. He would be 17 when Japan attacked Pearl Harbor. Would he have fought in the war? Perhaps, being confused for Japanese, he wound up in an internment camp here in the states. He would have been a high school senior, did he graduate? Did he have a date for the prom?

Short Round would have been 21 when the war ended. Did he go to college? Did he marry his high school sweetheart? Maybe he worked in a chop suey restaurant in Chinatown to support his wife and kids, eventually opening a restaurant of his own. In his free time, he'd take his family to the beach for a weekend. Some might call it living the good life, others The American Dream. All of this could have been Short Round's...

Somehow, I doubt it was though.

More likely, after Indy kicked his young foreign ass to the curb, he went off in search of his own adventures. Taking inspiration from his old friend and Hardy Boys books, he would have gone off solving mysteries of his own, eventually setting up shop in the late 50s as a private detective*.

Nothing says High Quality like something that I photoshopped...

That's the kind of life I envision Short Round having. A life of excitement, a life of adventure. Trouble around every corner, a wisecrack every other line and outsmarting everyone in the end. Kind of like an Asian Philip Marlowe. You know what...I'd watch that movie.

Eventually, he'd take on an apprentice or a partner. Going on adventures that same way that Indy took him. And then he'd grow up to hang out with truckers, eventually finding a wife...and then...well...that's a whole different story...




*The kind of detective that they write movies and books about. Not the boring kind.

Great Movie Gadgets Part 3: Raging Sharks

You know what else I love about movies? A good gadget or prop. There's just something about taking a lot of nothing and turning it into something more. I love it. And it's fun to try to figure them out.

Ok, fair enough, it's not a 'gadget', it's just a piece of paper. It is this piece of paper, however, that serves as a linchpin to the 'plot' of Raging Sharks. This innocent looking sheet of paper is the report that shows the contents of a sharks stomach, allowing the discovery of a space chemical capable of cold fusion...or something.

This VERY...report...hey...wait a minute...what's that?

That can't really be...


A report in HTML?


GOOGLE??? Hey! Wait a minute! This isn't a report! This is a printout of some Google page source! You just did a printout of a search for great white sharks and hydocarbons and printed it out! All right, Raging Sharks, I'll let you slide this time, but next time, I better not see thes kind of shenanigans from you!

This is yet another post for the HEY, INTERNET, STOP BEING SUCH CYNICAL EFFING DOUCHEBAGS BLOG-A-THON!

Yeah, that's right, 2 posts, feel the love.

HEY, INTERNET, STOP BEING SUCH CYNICAL EFFING DOUCHEBAGS BLOG-A-THON!

It's Tuesday, March 18th, and that can only mean one thing...a large portion of America is pissing green after their St Patrick's Day revelry. However, that has nothing to do with why we're here today.Today is the day of the

HEY, INTERNET, STOP BEING SUCH CYNICAL EFFING DOUCHEBAGS BLOG-A-THON!

The fine folks at Final Girl industries made the instructions easy to follow...

That was on the back of my anti-cynicism pills...

Ok, that raises a question then. What the hell DOES fill me with, ahem, "complete and total unbridled fucking retarded JOY" when it comes to movies?

Godzilla, Gamera and other giant monsters

Seriously. If you call me up and say 'Dude, I found this movie. It's got a big fuck off monster in it that destroys a city, you want to come over and watch it?' I will first ask who the hell you are and how you got my phone number, then I will ask if you want me to grab some beer on my way over. The Academy can have their awards and their classy pictures...give me a guy in a rubber monster suit or some CGI abomination any day.

Sharks

I did a whole damn Shark Week last year and loved every minute of it. It doesn't even have to be a GOOD shark movie. I don't really care. I could watch stock footage of sharks eating fish and a bad story about genetic mutation going on and fucking LOVE it. Anything from the good (Jaws) to the bad (Raging Sharks, Shark Attack 3), it doesn't matter. I love them all the same.

Saturday Nights on SciFi

Ok, they're absolutely AWFUL movies. Bad plots, bad acting, worse effects, it doesn't matter though. On any given Saturday afternoon or evening, you know that whatever is on is going to be absolutely awful but might just be entertaining as all hell. Attack of the Sabertooth, Chupacabra Terror...come on! How can you not get a kick out of movies like that? No Country For Old Men may have one an Oscar, but it wasn't FUN. You have to remember the point of watching a movie...to be entertained. And sometimes, just sometimes, you have to put your brain on pause and just let yourself go and enjoy something bad. Because remember, someone made this movie and thought it was GOOD.

"This is the worst movie I've ever seen"

If you utter this phrase around me, I will inevitably mention some movie that is even worse. It's just the way it goes. However, I will want to see just how bad this movie was. And that's pretty much the story of how I saw Death Bed: The Bed That Eats. Yeah, not the bed that eats PEOPLE or anything like that, just The Bed That Eats. And it does. It eats people, some apples, a bottle of wine, some pepto...hell, it eats anything it can get...except a knife. The knife passes right through it. And somehow, people don't find this COMPLETELY awesome?

All of this is just a long winded way of saying that I dig bad movies. I have for as long as I can remember. My father used to harass me for it (all the while he loved his cheesy Stony man novels, takes all kinds I guess). I worked at a video store for a couple years in high school and college and, you know, I'd watch almost anything. If I could sit down and just let go of reality to watch a movie that had more holes than swiss cheese, then my day was perfect. It would be all I needed. To this day, when the weight of the world feels like it's all resting on my shoulders, watching Corbin Bernsen phone in a performance as a submarine captain is enough to put a smile on my face.

visit videodetective.com for more info

100% Pure Bulgarian Awesome.

Don't deny it!

You know, when it comes to giant monsters, only one name comes to mind. Godzilla. And, you know what, when it comes to Godzilla movies, there's only one that stands head and shoulders above the rest, that, of course, it Roland Emmerich's 1998 opus Godzilla. Godzilla is Hollywood film making at it's finest. Established and successful writers, check (Ted Elliot and Terry Rosio were ROBBED by the Academy for theit Little Monsters screenplay!). Big name actors, check (Nothing says opening weekend like Mathew Broderick and Hank Azaria!) High caliber director, check and double check (hey, this is the man who brought you Universal Soldier, and if he can handle the majesty that is Jean-Claude Van Damme, then he can handle ANYTHING!)

Much like Chuck Norris, Godzilla would not be stopped. It's success was assured before anyone even saw it. However, there was no way we could no what we were in for. Now, sure, many of us had seen those old cheesy movies late at night or on Saturday afternoons. And they were silly. That's why they had to throw out all of Toho's Godzilla history. I mean, it was a guy in a rubber suit! Sure, that might have been good enough back in the day, but this was 1998! Almost the 21st century. Rubber suits are okay for aliens, but if we learned anything from Jurassic Park, it was that dinosaurs had to be computerized!

And the original story? Sure, that might be fine for the Japanese, but come on! When it comes to making movies, or cars, they're like little children over there. Sure, it's cute to watch them try to imitate the adults (USA! USA!), but when it comes time to really get something done, you need the kind of experience that they just don't have.

Besides, all Toho did was rip off The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms. Hell, we can do that here! We made it in the first place! We can just recycle the story! Not like anyone has seen that movie in years! And hell, that puts the action right where it belongs, New York City. Let's be honest, American audiences just don't care about movies that take place anywhere else. It's pretty hard to get worked up over a monster attacking a fictional city like Tokyo (what kind of name is that anyways? Tokyo! Ridiculous!). School kids can at least find New York on a map sometimes!

Though, for all of it's awesome-osity, it was lacking a few things. For one thing, there was no wise cracking African-American. Were Sam Jackson and Will Smith BOTH busy? And, while Broderick was good as the worm scientist, I have to believe that Steven Seagal or Vin Diesel would have brought a bit more credibility to the role, not to mention, the fight sequences would have been MUCH more interesting.

Sweeeet...

That's neither here nor there though, it's hard to argue when a masterpiece is a masterpiece. And Godzilla certainly is one!

In other news, have you checked out the blog-a-thon going on over at Lazy Eye Theatre?
Edit: I may have missed it by a day...such is life...

Friday the 13th blog-a-thon special. Woohoo!

So, a couple weeks ago, I'm checking out what's probably my favorite blog, Final Girl, and I see that Stacie has decided to do a Friday the 13th Blog-a-thon. Naturally, I think to myself "A what's that now?" My interest piqued, I continued to read.

"Basically, the blog-a-thon is a great melding of the minds about a common subject all across the super cyberverse: a blogger chooses a topic, gives a date, and folks who choose to participate write about the given subject"

I think to myself, "Self, you know. Being a blogger sure is great. I mean, look at the life it affords me. Private jets, international super stardom. Lots of money. Oh my god, so much money. Fancy cars. All the chicks just want to be with me, and the guys want to be me. Self, your life sure is super, but it's lacking. You should participate in this blog-a-thingie, be a part of the community. Didn't you start this thing because you wanted to alk about movies with people? This is your chance, man!"

"Me, I don't know what the fuck you're talking about. Jets? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

"That's harsh, Self. Why ya gotta be like that. I didn't insult you. But oh, you have to turn around and talk shit. Well, fuck you man. I don't need you. I got my mother fuckin jet. So piss off."

"Yeah. Whatever, dude."

So, it would seem that the task is to write a Friday the 13th post on, of all days, Friday the 13th.

Holy shit that's today!!

"Uh, Me?"

"Oh sure, now you want to talk to me, Self. What?"

"Uh, you do remember that I've never SEEN Friday the 13th, right?"

"Oh. Shit. Well, good luck dude. I'm outta here."

"Shit."

Ok, so, the cat is officially out of the bag. I have never seen Friday the 13th. In fact, I was pretty young when I didn't see it. I must have been 12 I guess the first time I didn't watch it. I remember, it was on USA one night while I was watching something on TNT. I don't remember much about it except how Kevin Bacon-less it was, and how little it scared me. I mean, that's TNT for you. And this was in the pre-Law & Order-is-all-we-show days. I was so unafraid when I went to bed that night.

Since then, I've not watched Friday the 13th, wow, I don't know how many times. I've lost count really.

You know what though, even though I've never seen it, it's such a legend amongst horror movies that it's impossible to not know a few things about it. Even a poor shlub like me who has never seen a single one of the movies knows the goalie mask. It's synonymous with horror. It's an icon in itself along with Freddy's glove, Ash's chainsaw, Michael Myers' mask , Hayden Christensen's performance as Anakin Skywalker. I mean, these are things that at this point, are so well known, that you don't even have to have seen the movie to know what they symbolize. They're scary in their own way now, they've transcended the movies that started them off. You see that goalie mask and you don't think about hockey. You think about teenagers getting their shit fucked up at Camp Crystal Lake. Even a guy like me, who has never seen it knows that.

Really, I think that's kind of neat. I love the way something like that can become so ingrained in our culture.

I guess that's what I find so great about movies. The way a two hour story can go from being a two hour story to a cultural experience. At a certain point, it's no longer just a movie. It becomes a part of who we are as people. No other medium has done this. Sure, you may not like country music, but you know who Garth Brooks is. But, you don't know the words to his songs, do you? I know people who don't like horror movies, but they know what the goalie mask is and what it stands for. That's something that only a movie can do.

I may never see Friday the 13th. It's just not that important to me. I didn't grow up watching horror movies like a lot of people did. As a young kid, when most of my friends were in love with Jason and Freddy, I just wasn't interested in them. It wasn't until I was 18 or 19, when I was working in a video store, that I really started to watch horror movies at all. I may see it. It's hard to say. maybe next time, I'll be sitting here writing about having finally watched it, and what I thought about it.

For now though, that's all I have on the subject. All *I* have. this a communal thing though, so go check out Final Girl, she'll have more. Not to mention she'll have links to other people blog-a-thoning (I hope that's the right way to say it). So go! Go now. I'm done. I got nothing more to say. Ok. I have one more thing for you.

My own, written just now, just for you, Friday the 13th Haiku!

camp crystal lake
teens go there and get laid, right?
then they get killed, yo.

Alright, go on. Get going. I'm done now.

Holiday Survival

It's that time again. That day that we must all hold sacred. The day that may ultimately save your soul. It's the day we set aside each year for one thing and one thing only, Zombie Survival.

What? I'm pretty sure Jesus was a zombie. Hey, only two things come back from the dead...zombies and vampires. And, while I know all the "this is my blood" shit points to vampirism, here at 7dp, we're much more concerned with protecting you from unrelenting hordes of zombies. I mean, vampires can still get online and read the old blog here.

Most likely, you are spending at least part of your day locked in a bomb shelter with your favorite family members to protect yourself from the potential harm that zombies could do to your person. However, there is the possibility that you are stuck in a house with open doors and exposed windows because your family thinks zombies are another of your crazy fears. Just because they didn't believe Dr Grant about the velociraptors doesn't mean you shouldn't. And you shouldn't question your fear of zombies!

So, to protect yourself in an unsecured house, what should you do? Well, before mom finishes cooking the traditional Tofurkey, look around. How many potential exits or entrances are there? Locate them. Typically there are at least doors in a house, though there could be more if there is an attached garage. How many windows are there? How high off the ground are they? Zombies can't climb, so if they're high off the ground, they may be okay for a short amount of time. Not long though. Once the attack begins, each zombie you kill near that window serves to raise the ground level.

Does the house have a second floor? If you can take out the stairs, the second floor is much more secure. If this house doesn't, does one nearby have a second floor? Look for a home owned by someone who is at THEIR family's home, or someone who can be easily over powered. You don't want to be injured trying to take over someone's home, you'll need to be in good shape to keep yourself alive. Consider a home owned by someone's grandparents. Be careful in the south, the elderly may already be sitting on the porch with guns. Avoid them.

Good job. You've successfully invaded someone's home and established it as your new base of operations. It's time now to secure it. The trick here is to make it difficult not just to get inside, but to make it difficult to tell anyone is inside at all. Windows should be blocked with something heavy. Dressers or china cabinets work great for this. Tables make lousy barricades alone, but teamed up with an old recliner, they're much more stable and can block an entire window. Odds are against the power staying on for long, so don't forget that the fridge, once in place, is hard to move as well.

The first floor of your new base is secure, now to the second floor. Corral the family members that you think you can live with for the foreseeable future and get them upstairs. They probably hate you and your smug saving-them-from-the-zombie-attack-they-didn't-even-believe-in ass right now. This is normal. Keep them away from windows. The zombies will inevitably see them. Don't shove them out of the window either. You're trying NOT to alert the zombies to your presence. Lock your family in a bathroom or something. They'll be safe there, and as a bonus, away from you.

How many ways are there up to the second floor? The average home probably only has 1 staircase. You're going to need to destroy it. Hopefully there's a sledgehammer nearby, otherwise, this won't be much fun. Start with the bottom stair first and work your way up. You do not want to get caught at the bottom with no way up.

Speaking of no way up, did you check the basement? No? Dumbass. You're going to need to find some way to eliminate the basement as an entrance. There is too much shit in your average basement that could cause an "accident". Your furnace and hot water heater may be down there, either of which are potential fire hazards should a zombie start to stumble around. Not to mention all the hiding spots. Luckily, the windows down here are fairly small. they're also high off the ground, making them difficult to barricade but easy to crawl through.

Second level is secure. The first level, well, you did your best. The basement was a disaster, but hey, it doesn't hurt to hope for the best. All things considered, you're fairly secure now. Don't get me wrong, you're a chump if you think that the zombies won't get past your flimsy barriers. Trust me, your dumb ass uncle is going to draw their attention at some point. But look at it this way, until your inevitably violent death, you get to spend ALL of your time trapped in an enclosed area with only your relatives.

Hopefully death comes soon for you.

Happy Easter!

EDIT: 2010-5-20 This was submitted to the Your Best Post Blogathon at He Shot Cyrus.