Years ago, prior to it's US remake, I'd heard about a Japanese horror movie called Dark Water. I looked everywhere I could for a copy of it. Eventually, I asked a relative to try to find it for a Christmas gift. And, in the ultimate case of 'close but not close at all', I received a copy of the Lorenzo Lamas shark-fest Dark Waters. There are some subtle differences between the two.
For example, Dark Waters is about genetic engineering and better living (and by living I mean warfare) through science. A boy's search for his father. And a rag tag couple of con artists searching for Atlantis.
On the other hand, Dark Water is about...i don't remember. A haunted apartment with a leaky roof or something. It's been a while since I watched it.
We aren't here to talk about that, though. No. We're here because I actually watched Dark Waters so many years after receiving it as a thoughtful gift. And you know what? It was a fairly enjoyable flick.
Sure, on it's surface, genetic research, long lost relatives, con artists, sharks and Lorenzo Lamas seems to be a lot to take in. How could the director possibly pull off such a tour de force? Poorly it turns out. The movie borders somewhere between Completely Unbelievable Land and the Predictabilityville.
Somehow though, in the end, it's still kind of enjoyable in a 'hey this isn't nearly as bad as you'd think' kind of way. It's no Raging Sharks (which I apparently like a lot more now than I did then. I guess that's what repeat viewing does for a person) or Raptor Island, sure. Really though, how could anything else reach for those kind of heights?
Last week, Total Film posted an article on the 20 Worst Movie CGI Moments. And, in looking through the list...I have to wonder if they really know what bad CGI is.
Yes, Sam Jackson's death in Deep Blue Sea is horrific (horrifically AWESOME!). With that and Shark Attack 3 to open things up, I had a feeling that they might be onto something fun. Then I read on...and realized that whoever wrote this article has never watched the SciFi Channel on a Saturday night (though I'm not sure if that says more about me or Chris Hicks).
It's one thing if you want to stick to scenes in big budget movies like Watchmen or Transformers and that sort of movie. That's a whole different discussion. But when you start off by mentioning a couple of low budget shark movies, well, they just can't compete. A movie like The Matrix has a lot more money to work with than the likes of Shark Attack 3. It's not a level playing field. And it's unfair to lump them into the same category.
Besides...if you want to talk about bad CGI? Let's start by taking a look at something like Attack of the Sabertooth.
That's from the friggin movie! A movie like Transformers puts more effort into an animatic!
And you want to talk about surfing? Die Another Day has not-a-goram-thing on Escape From L.A.
Do you really think that any thing about this looks better than what the accomplished in Die Another Day? Come on, dude!
Or, let's look at Event Horizon:
Do you really think that the opening sequence full of shitty looking floating debris looks better than anything in Lord of the Rings? And don't even get me started on Johnny Mnemonic or Lawnmower Man and their all CGI depictions of the interweb.
And let's be fucking honest, the only reason the effects looked bad in King Kong was because of how much Peter Jackson and Weta Workshop accomplished on LotR. Sure, the dinosaurs weren't the best CGI effects, but the damn monkey looked amazing.
The Wachowskis, the Bays, the Bruckheimers in this world will never put out the kind of movies that are chock full of bad effects and pure awesome-osity that the Lions Gates, Nu Images and Asylums will. It's just a different mentality.
And not just among the film makers. As a viewer, I go into something like The Matrix with certain expectations. I expect to see something to write home about. When I pop in something like Raging Sharks, I expect to get a good chuckle and maybe be entertained for a few minutes. So, when I see a goofy alien, or a bad CGI shark, I laugh. I make fun of it. And while I may expect it to be bad, that doesn't mean that it's more inexcusable for a big budget movie to have a little shoddy CGI in it. Hell no. After seeing what people are doing on average home computers and with little money, I expect MORE out of the low budget flicks. When you have all the money in the world to spend on your movie, you damn well better hire the best. When you're on a shoestring, it's about getting the biggest bang for your buck. And when you don't...when you get something that looks like it was made using the airbrush in MS Paint...that's the CGI to get offended by.
You know what else I love about movies? A good gadget or prop. There's just something about taking a lot of nothing and turning it into something more. I love it. And it's fun to try to figure them out.
Ok, fair enough, it's not a 'gadget', it's just a piece of paper. It is this piece of paper, however, that serves as a linchpin to the 'plot' of Raging Sharks. This innocent looking sheet of paper is the report that shows the contents of a sharks stomach, allowing the discovery of a space chemical capable of cold fusion...or something.
This VERY...report...hey...wait a minute...what's that?
That can't really be...
A report in HTML?
GOOGLE??? Hey! Wait a minute! This isn't a report! This is a printout of some Google page source! You just did a printout of a search for great white sharks and hydocarbons and printed it out! All right, Raging Sharks, I'll let you slide this time, but next time, I better not see thes kind of shenanigans from you!
It's day 5 of Shark Week, the last day for me. I know, it's sad, huh? I mean, we've learned SO much about sharks this week. But, we've got one more to go, so lets do dis.
Today's movie is Raging Sharks staring Corbin Bernsen and Corin Nemec. Aka, two people with nothing better to do anymore. To be honest, the movie was a piece of shit. So much so that I don't even really want to review it. So...I'm not going to. Instead, I've got a special treat for you. See, I was talking to a good friend of mine while I was watching the movie, and with her permission, I am reposting a transcript here for you to read. Now, this is not a review, this is a real time conversation about the events of the film WHILE I was watching it. She, however, was not. She has, much to her benefit, never seen this movie. This does, however, paint a pretty good picture of what it's like to try to watch a movie with me.
(For the record, I did try to correct some typographical errors as well as move certain lines around so the they would make more sense (trust me, it had to be done) any remaining errors can and should be attributed solely to me)
Me: I don't envy myself... Her: just wait a minute.... it *might* get a tiny small bit better Me: It's a space ship! A BAD spaceship Her: O_o in a shark movie? Me: It's Sharks Iiiiiiiiiinnnn Spppaaaaaacccee no Her: ... i'm NOT saying anything.... Me: no, it's crazy looking alien costumes two space ships crashed into each other and one lost a thermos and the thermos is heading for earth where it's crashing through an exploding oil tanker what are the odds??? all that sea, and it hits a boat Her: aw i'm disappointed i wanted someone to find it and give it a home Me: or at least fill it with coffee Her: exactly Me: parker lews forgot to shave the bottom of his face Her: why? Me: i don't know Her: he's got... a... BIG BUSHY BEARD!!!!!!
Me: no, it's sort of the opposite of that just a bit of hair under his head not on his neck but not on his face either it's all below his jawbone Her: O_o i was gonna say... what kind of weird ass movie are you watching.... Me: Raging Sharks Her: LOL smarty-monkey ^^ Me: uh oh! sharks are coming up on the welders! Oh, no, they're dead now Her: the sharks? or the welders? Me: the welders It's Raging SHARKS, remember? Not Raging Welders The cable went out on the ship Her: never a good sign
Me: now, how are they going to watch HBO? Her: OMG exactly what i was thinking.... we're good ^^
Me: ok, I think that was the same shark footage as the last attack apparently, there's a lawyer on the submarine, betcha he dies Her: sneaaaaaakyyyyy mmmm lawyer.... shark... lawyer-shark.... maybe they team up!!!!!
Me: they're being referred to as a school of sharks now dude fell off of a sea plane and did cartwheels on the water Her: Oh shit LOL WHAT omg Me: it was HILARIOUS Her: that's one cool way to go ^^
Me: corbin bernson looks like he was in this movie for the paycheck Like his rent was late that month or something so, he did a shit movie to get caught up Her: 'cause thay actually got paid for that? Me: well, yeah, he has to get paid there are labor laws Her: they should be charged when it concerns shit movies lol Me: I think I saw part of this movie on the discovery channel last year in one of their shark shows
Me: there's a LOT of stock footage and they just found some rock candy in a stomach of a shark Her: ... the shark had eaten Willy wonka Me: maybe and now there's a news crew! a lawyer, a reporter a reporter in a white tank top who fell in the water the same shark chewing footage from earlier
Me: and a disembodied hand still attached to the camera the lawyer is being a jerk he wants to shut the lab down for some reason I think he knows something Her: why am i not surprised.... Me: and not just something about lawyering and the sharks growl like lions Her: the lawyer is .... fishy ahahahahahahah Me: oh geez did you really say that? Her: ... it was Pia, she made me !!!! ... i swear!!! Me: Sure, blame the dog do you do that when you fart too? Her: well, since i have noone to be bothered by my occasionnal flatulence... nope LOL ^^ Me: isn't that a great, LIBERATING feeling sometimes? Her: what farting? Me: the submarine is exploding for NO reason! Her: the dirty crew guy pooted... and therefore... but of course, they don't say that ... Me: this movie can only be discribed as...wacky no, I think it has something to do with the alien thermos Her: who put a thousand mentos in that vat of coke!!!!!!! Me: that explains it, everyone knows you can't put soda in a thermos! that's why it's rupturing orange stuff Her: *ROTFLMAO* Me: this is the wackiest fucking... they're going to launch a torpedo at the 'school' of sharks Her: ... and one of the sharks, will "jump" on top of it, and ride it like a wild bronco ^^ yeeehaaaaaa Me: they'll think it's another shark and mate with it Her: perverrrteeeeeedddddd i like it ^^ Me: I think Parker Lewis found the thermos Her: now throw it at the bottom of your locker!! Me: with the gym shoes? The sharks are coming back Get out. of. the. ocean. I have to admit, it's... strangely captivating Her: well, it's gotta be like... "what are they coming up with next!!!" Me: kinda I think the thermos stuff is making people angry and crazy Her: "aarggghghghgh i dunno what that stuff is, but DAMN.... i want to killthings.... gahahahrrrrrr" Me: the lawyer is some sort of gun toting shit black ops guy I liked him better when he was a lawyer Her: that gave him a better edge? or maybe you could hate him easier? Me: he was just more sympathetic now he's just homicidal Parker Lewis can't shoot Her: Parker lewis... can... lose? Me: Parker Lewis can't fight a black ops guy Her: parker lewis is going to get anihiliated Me: Parker Lewis can't find his wife Her: parker lewis is married???!!! Me: Yeah to a lady researcher Her: hot stuff Me: it's a trick, get an ax! lady wife just shot black ops guy with a spear gun You know, about 20 minutes ago they had 10 minutes worth of oxygen lef And now the place is on fire that's weird aw, Parker Lewis is getting all mushy with his lady wife they think they're going to die But, I bet Corbin Bernsen saves them Um...unless the spaceship does Her: "hold me tight" I'm sorry Parker... it's alright... i love you wife... no... i mean... i'm SORRY Parker... Me: LOL Her: well you know... stress isn't so good for the bowels... Me: Wow, that's either a big thermos or really small aliens Her: MIDGET ALIENS they are going to save everyone ^^ yaaaay aliens Me: no I don't think so The lab just blowed up Her: oops someone forgot the explosive pot of coffee on...
Me: Wait what? they survived that? And so did murderous black ops guy and so did a shark who ate the black ops guy they somehow swam to the sub Her: ... and they all lived happily ever after, and had lots of little sharks? Me: half shark/half torpedoes the sharks were protecting the thermos? Her: the almighty thermos???? Me: oy Lot of russians in this movie Her: VODKA FOR EVERYONE!!!!! Me: all of the crew's names and in ov or va Her: apparently Russian people can utilize shark footage very well ^^
So there you go. A transcript showing what it's like to watch a shit ass (but oddly entertaining) movie with me. And shit ass it was. 4 aliens retrieving a cold fusion thermos out of 10.
