Resident Evil 3 pictures

There were, it seems, quite a few people who did NOT like the Resident Evil movies. I'm not among that group. I fact I rather enjoyed both of them. Needless to say I was pretty excited to see a handful of new pictures at MoviesOnline this morning.

I really hope it's not some crapfest when it comes out, because I'm really looking forward to this damn movie.

science fiction double feature

I know. I've not been around much. Sorry. I've been out of town and just working too much? Maybe. Who knows. Regardless, the next few weeks don't really look like they'll be much more conducive to blogging, but I will try to pop in here when I can.

I've talked about the Detroit Film Theatre a few times. I like the place. It's really one of my 3 favorite places to watch a movie (the other two being my living room and my friend's living room). Well, this year they're doing a summer season for the first time. Now, they'll still be showing classy pictures, but, more importantly they're doing double features on Saturdays. 1 Harryhausen movie and 1 Toho movie. Including a couple of my favorites, Gojira and Jason and the Argonauts. The only thing better would have been a Beast From 20,000 Fathoms/Gojira double feature. THAT would be awesome. Giant stop motion monsters and men in rubber monster suits. Yeah. Exactly. I know what I'll be doing when I'm in town this summer. Check it out.

SON OF GODZILLA & 20 MILLION MILES TO EARTH
Saturday, June 16, 2007 2:00 PM
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JASON AND THE ARGONAUTS & BATTLE IN OUTER SPACE
Saturday, June 23, 2007 2:00 PM
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EARTH VS. THE FLYING SAUCERS & MOTHRA
Saturday, June 30, 2007 2:00 PM
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THE MYSTERIOUS ISLAND & GODZILLA VS. MEGAGUIRUS
Saturday, July 07, 2007 2:00 PM
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IT CAME FROM BENEATH THE SEA & GODZILLA
Saturday, July 14, 2007 2:00 PM
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7TH VOYAGE OF SINBAD & GODZILLA VS. THE SEA MONSTER
Saturday, July 21, 2007 2:00 PM
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FIRST MEN IN THE MOON & GODZILLA VS. KING GHIDORAH
Saturday, July 28, 2007 2:00 PM

Hell yeah. Hell to the yeah.

This time...it's posters.

I lieu of anything substantial, lets look at a couple posters for upcoming movies. I mean, there's nothing more exciting that pictures, right? And hey, don't worry, it's not like I'm going to do a whole week of posters. Nope. Don't care about them as much as I do trailers. Oh, who am I kidding, my living room is almost nothing but movie posters. And, I'd be willing to bet that I buy or acquire at least one new poster this weekend. Maybe it'll even be one of these!


You may remember that I liked the 'import' version of Day Watch that I saw last year. And I have to admit that I'm getting kind of excited about the actual US release. Ok, I'm only excited about seeing it with a good set of subtitles, but it's something, right?



I love the tag line: All Bets Are Off. Get it? They're in VEGAS baby! It's a gambling reference! Man, they're so fucking clever. I wish I was one of those marketing geniuses. I could totally do tag lines for movies. Seriously. Here's a couple just of the top of my head...

Resident Evil: Extinction - This time...it's personal.
Spiderman 3 - This time...it's personal.
You've Got Mail - This time....it's online personals.
Live Free or Die Hard - This time...it's PG-13.

I could totally do that job.


I have no idea what this movie is or is about, but with a poster and title like that...I have to say that I'm at least a little intrigued.

There's just something beautifully tragic about carpet bombing a city to protect yourself from zombies

28 Days Later is one of the best movies I've never gotten around to seeing again. Seriously. Top of the list. Right up there with that other movie I loved and never got around to watching again. You know, the one with that guy. Right, and the girl, and they do that thing. Loved it. With the live octopus! Awesome. I totally need to watch it again.

You see, it's in that echelon of flicks, man. Top tier. It's like the Grey Goose of movies and here I was, expecting a Mohawk kind of sequel. Wow was I wrong.

It starts in a cottage. There's this group of people struggling to survive. It's unknown how long they've been there. Hell, the way they have the house boarded up there's no indication of what time of day it is! It all seems pretty secure. They've obviously been there for some time and have a pretty good idea of what they're doing. Until the neighbor kid shows up. Fucking fucktard gets them to open the door! What's wrong with you people! Kids can't fend for themselves. You now have to look out for them AND yourself. And you know what that means? Do you? No? Let me tell you, it means that when the zombies bust through your goddamn windows, someone you love is going to DIE to protect some strange kid who eats all your pasta without a fucking fork. That's what it means!

Over the river and through the woods...

Luckily for our story, Robert Carlyle (aka Don) manages to escape leaving the wreckage of his shelter and life behind in a beautifully shot chase through the English countryside. And as we roll the opening credits we learn that we're 15 days into the initial infection. The credits also serve to bring you up to date. London has been cleared of zombies and the US Army is in charge.

It's been six months since the outbreak and people are slowly starting to be brought back into London. Among the first groups are two kids. They're Don's kids. And while the military's chief medical officer isn't a fan of the idea, they're being reunited with their dad. It's not that she's some frigid bitch who hates kids or anything, it's just that, well, kids act like kids. They do dumb shit that you can't plan for...like BREAK QUARANTINE TO FIND PICTURES OF THEIR DEAD MOM!

Exactly. Stupid fucking kids. See. This is what happens. They just think they can get away with whatever they want. By breaking quarantine they manage to find their mom. Infected, but not dead and not as zombied (yes zombied, I said it. I'm making my own words as I need them today) as the others. The military is perplexed but not curious enough to want to keep her alive. The kids, however, are super pissed. See, dad told them he saw mom die and that there was nothing that he could do. So, he has to go try to see her, you know, to make amends. Which he does. And the retard KISSES her! Who kisses a zombie? What the fuck is wrong with you? Kissing exchanges saliva, so you know what happens now Don? Do you? You're fucked. That's what happens now! You go on a bloody rampage. Now get out of here! Ok, fine. Kill your wife first. Ok, crush her eyes with your thumbs. Are you done? Ok, good. Get out of here. Go on a rampage that looks like a Radiohead music video.

Of course the military has a plan. And since it's a movie being made in 2007 and it's the US military it's god-fucking-awful. Hear me out. Lets round up as many civilians as we can. Now lets crowd them all into a goddamn subway stop, you with me? Good. Now, lock the goddamn door they went in through. Just that one. Not the side door. Next? Cut the lights. This way, when Zombi-fucking-fied Don all too conveniently finds his kid the shitstorm can begin with the most possible carnage!

(By the way, if the military ever, EVER tries to protect you from a zombie attack by herding you into a small space with your neighbors like cattle...make them shoot you. I't bound to be more pleasant than what's too come. Also, introduce yourself to everyone you can. There's no telling who the main character is in a situation like that and your odds of survival increase dramatically if the audience knows your name.)

Thank god there are snipers and machine guns outside. Not that it does any goddamn good, but at least they're trying. The kids manage to escape death with the help of the medical officer, a sniper named Doyle and a handful of stranger who don't get names since they'll be dead soon anyways.

The plan from here is to catch a ride from a friendly helicopter pilot and get to France or something. The problem is that there's a shit ton of zombies and the pilot's sense of duty in the way. So, just a few minor fucking roadblocks. Oh, and there's the inevitable face off with dad. That doesn't seem obvious at any point in the movie. At all. Ever.

If you didn't get the vodka analogy, you've obviously puked on the side of Detroit's freeways a few less times than me, but that's okay, I'll be a little less veiled in my praise. I liked this movie. As sequels go, really good. As zombie movies go, really good. I walked out of there feeling sorry for the Day of the Dead remake, because you have to stop and think, how many good zombie flicks can really come out in a year? Not enough. That's how many.

There were a lot of chase scenes, which makes sense, but chases can get boring. Luckily they did a wonderful job of shooting the chases to keep them not only interesting but pleasing to look at. I mean, there was something in the camera work that was just beautiful about them. Visually captivating. There we go. That's a good phrase for it.

The tone is worth mentioning too. Where the first movie oozed isolation from every frame, this one has a much different tone. London doesn't feel desolate and abandoned. It feels desperate and afraid. The streets don't feel empty, they feel feral. There's just this feeling of hopelessness that seems to permeate the film.

Robert Carlyle was great. From loving husband, to coward to brave and caring father to loving husband to zombie, the man did it all. Catherine McCormack was great as well. Episode II's Rose Byrne was good as the medical officer and Jeremy Renner was great as the hooker with the heart of gold. Sniper. Not hooker. Sorry.

And the two kids! Imogen Poots and Mackintosh Muggleton. Good enough actors, but more importantly, read those names again! If I were them, I'd probably hate my parents and hide my birth certificate!

My biggest complaints were 1) the ending. It was a little less open ended than I would have liked. (Juan Carlos Fresnadillo, less is more sometimes, my friend, less is more. It's okay to simply imply things). And 2) Robert Carlyle's over use. He kept popping up in the most coincidentally convenient places. I mean, he's this zombie and he's on a mad dash for food and mayhem (or whatever these rage filled zombies want) and he keeps popping up near his kids (his son specifically). It was too unlikely. It just didn't really work for me.

Minor flaws aside, this was a great movie. And I have to say that I highly recommend it to anyone who enjoyed the first movie, zombie movies or horror movies in general. All and all, it's a solid 8 code reds executed from within your secure bunker out of 10.

Night of the Comet

I'm sitting here and I'm at a loss. See, I want to do a review of the movie I watched. I want to talk about it, maybe make a few jokes. But, here I am, sitting, thinking about what to say about Night of the Comet and coming up with nothing.

I mean, there should be a lot to say, right? I mean, this is some sort fo cult classic from what the kids on the interweb say. Have you seen it?I just watched it and while I enjoyed it, I just can't think of what to write!

It was crazy, before the comet arrives, I swear that the stepmom PUNCHES one of the kids!



Yeah! There should be something for me to say about that. Something like, "Comets make you do crazy shit, I guess." Something! Anything!

Or the mechanical clown that's advertising brake jobs? I can't even come up with a clever caption! I may as well have used "Send in the clowns!"

World ends, but the mechanical clowns are still around!

I'm completely uninspired! It'sa shame too, I mean, you'd think that if I were going to poke fun at a movie, it would be when your main character picks up some vaporized person's dirty underwear!

Ok, seriously, if you're going to pick up a piece of clothing...are you REALLY going to go for their underwear first?

But, alas, I can only state the obvious. At this point I just need Michael Stipe to show up and start singing ;it's the end of the world as we know it and I don't give a shit'.

Everyone in southern California is made of Tang.

Maybe that's the problem I'm having here. I mean, the story is about the end of the world. Everyone is wiped out, and they really don't care. Two girls and Chakotay are all that's left and what do they do? They go to the mall!

Chakotay, what are you doing in the women's bathroom?

The people who haven't turned to dust have turned to zombies and they go to the fucking mall! Haven't they seen Dawn of the Dead????? What a terrible fucking choice.

Luckily they managed to find a stockpile of automatic weapons in their asses to protect themselves with. Well, where else would they have come from? They just appear. One minute they're at a radio station jamming, the next it's this:



Apparently they found a stockpile of Oozis. (Not Uzis. Apparently they found cheap knock offs. It's LA afterall.)

It's the end of the world and I'm going to try on clothes to the songs of Cyndi Lauper!

Then more crap happens. Something about blood for a serum or something. I don't know.

Civilization's first new hooker.


That's not a good way to restart civilization.

I liked the movie. I had fun watching it. It didn't hold up too badly. I'm just bitter about my writer's block. I feel awful about it really. I mean, it was a fun movie! And here I am with nothing to say about it. I feel like I should make some sort of frowny face thing here like all the kids are doing on the AIM, but no. I won't. I'll just FEEL that way.

7 I can't believe it took me this long to write so littles out of 10.

Really. Wasps, bees, bugs in general. Scare the shit out of me dude.

The other day, I was reading one of my favorite blogs, as I often do. The writer, Stacie, was reviewing a movie from one of those multipacks of movies. You know, the ones that have like 50 movies on 3 discs for like a buck and a half? Yeah. Well, a couple months ago I picked up one of those and had yet to watch any of them. So, since anything I can do, she can do better (isn't that how the saying goes? I forget.), I decided to finally bite the bullet and watch one of these movies myself.

Three times I tried to watch it. Now, before you get the wrong impression, you have to look at how I watch movies. I usually put something on late, shortly before bed. And, as luck would have it, I did that the other night. So, I fell asleep. I had to get up in the morning to go to that thing. That place. Oh, shit, what's it called? You know that thing...during the day? Where people go? Um...they give me money...I can't remember right now, but it was why I couldn't stay up to finish watching it.

The next morning, I woke up early and thought to myself, "Self, you're showered and ready for work, but you don't have to leave for an hour! Finish your movie!" to which I replied, "Self, that's fucking brilliant." Ten minutes later I got a phone call, a friend had a flat tire and needed help. "So much for the movie, Self."

After I got home from that place, where I do that thing, I was finally able to sit down and watch the rest of the movie. Now, you'd think that after all that, I'd be pretty disappointed, right? I mean, if it was awesome, I'd have stayed up to watch it? Well...we're getting to that.

Wasp Woman is the story of cosmetics baron and former spokesmodel Janice Starlin. She's getting older and can't be the face of her business anymore. As a result, people aren't buying her stuff. Business it bleak, so to speak. Cue Dr. Zinthrop. Zinthrop has found a miracle restorative in the enzymes contained within wasp jelly from the queen wasp. It makes you anti-age. Or something. Whatever it does, it's a miracle of modern science and Janice is interested.

Zinthrop moves into Janice's lab and starts doing more experiments, including the human variety. And what do you know, it works! Wow! Holy Shit! Janice, however, is unsatisfied. If it works in small doses, why not up the dosage and make it work even better? She takes matters into her own hands one night and injects herself with more of the enzymes.

However, there are side effects. You see, wasps are mean little fuckers and it starts having an effect of the test subjects. Zinthrop has to wrestle a poor defenseless cat while hissing sounds play in the background. And, when he goes to warn Janice, he gets into a car accident.

Janice however, starts turning into a wasp and attacking people! And Zinthrop, poor bastard, has amnesia, so he's no help. It's up to Janice's two employees to stop her without knowing that they need to stop her from something!

Hell, what can I say man, I loved it. The wasp mask? Awful, but so great. The acting was really good, to be honest. And the story was actually pretty neat. I loved it. Seriously. 7 1/2 third times the charms out of 10.

Oh! I almost forgot, I hunted down the trailer for you. It's pretty sweet stuff. I don't know why, but I love trailers for old movies.

At least Venom looked fucking sweet

Did I ever mention that I really liked Spiderman 2? Or, that I thought that Spiderman the first was pretty sweet? No? Oh, sorry.

I really liked Spiderman 2 and I thought that Spiderman the first was pretty fucking sweet. Now you know. I don't want there to be any secrets between us.

To be honest though, I didn't really care about Spiderman 3. I was kind of excited, but not like Hot Fuzz excited. Or 300 excited. No, this was more on the level of X3 excited. Luckily, it was a bit more entertaining. Not that that's a challenge, X3 was REALLY bad.

Spiderman 3 isn't REALLY bad, much like Parker with the symbiote, it's just confused. There are all these stories that it thinks it NEEDS to tell, and just doesn't really pay off.

The Sandman, kind of extraneous, really. I mean, it's neat and he's done fairly well, but I don't really think that his little subplot was needed. Same with Gwen Stacy. Don't get me wrong, Bryce Dallas Howard was great in the role and was hot as hell, but again, unneeded.

And the amnesia shit with Harry. "I hate you Spiderman, but I forgot so lets be buds until I remember and threaten your girlfriend if she doesn't break up with you but maybe I'll feel bad later and help you out in the end."

The fact of the matter is that all anyone (and by "anyone" I mean "me") wanted to see was the symbiote suit and Venom. I mean, all anyone has wanted for 3 fucking movies now was for Venom to show up. And while he looked sweet as hell, and Topher Grace was actually pretty good as Eddie Brock, though, for me, his voice was 100% wrong for Venom. I guess I just wanted/thought/expected that he would have a deeper/growlier/hissier voice. But, I have no control over such things.

What I do have are ideas, baby. Ideas for movies. You know how in every interview Tobey/Kirsten/Raimi are all like "Oh I don't know if we'll do a fourth. I won't unless everyone else does"? I say, fuck that. Get a new director, get Topher and make a couple Venom movies. Get Carnage and lets do it. It's the perfect opportunity to create a bridge and in a couple years bring in a new actor to play Spidey. You can bring him in in Venom 3. See? Pretty sweet.

Spiderman 3 gets 6 and a half omelettes dropped off your frying pan while you're in the kitchen doing the twist with you best friend's girlfriend out of 10.