Thursday, August 30, 2007
Get More Terror at TerrorFeed.com
I'm not sure what else to say. I mean...WOW. Fuck yeah dude. THAT'S what I'm talking about!
Much like Chuck Norris, Godzilla would not be stopped. It's success was assured before anyone even saw it. However, there was no way we could no what we were in for. Now, sure, many of us had seen those old cheesy movies late at night or on Saturday afternoons. And they were silly. That's why they had to throw out all of Toho's Godzilla history. I mean, it was a guy in a rubber suit! Sure, that might have been good enough back in the day, but this was 1998! Almost the 21st century. Rubber suits are okay for aliens, but if we learned anything from Jurassic Park, it was that dinosaurs had to be computerized!
And the original story? Sure, that might be fine for the Japanese, but come on! When it comes to making movies, or cars, they're like little children over there. Sure, it's cute to watch them try to imitate the adults (USA! USA!), but when it comes time to really get something done, you need the kind of experience that they just don't have.
Besides, all Toho did was rip off The Beast From 20,000 Fathoms. Hell, we can do that here! We made it in the first place! We can just recycle the story! Not like anyone has seen that movie in years! And hell, that puts the action right where it belongs, New York City. Let's be honest, American audiences just don't care about movies that take place anywhere else. It's pretty hard to get worked up over a monster attacking a fictional city like Tokyo (what kind of name is that anyways? Tokyo! Ridiculous!). School kids can at least find New York on a map sometimes!
Though, for all of it's awesome-osity, it was lacking a few things. For one thing, there was no wise cracking African-American. Were Sam Jackson and Will Smith BOTH busy? And, while Broderick was good as the worm scientist, I have to believe that Steven Seagal or Vin Diesel would have brought a bit more credibility to the role, not to mention, the fight sequences would have been MUCH more interesting.
In other news, have you checked out the blog-a-thon going on over at Lazy Eye Theatre?
Edit: I may have missed it by a day...such is life...
Wednesday, August 29, 2007
In what promises to be a most TRIUMPHANT movie, Keanu Reeves will play Klaatu, a man from another world, and with his robot Gort, they tour the galaxy as Wyld Stallions! EXCELLENT!
You take a movie that was, not only excellent, but so relevant to its time, and update it...what are you going to end up with? Another classic? Unlikely.
More likely is that you end up with a movie that is at best mildly entertaining, but no longer relevant. At worst, you end up with Peter Jackson's King Kong or Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes.
What these film makers SHOULD be doing is remaking SHITTY movies. Think about it, Steven Speilberg remaking Manos: The Hands of Fate. Or, why can't someone remake Wasp Woman (the original was good, but there'd be no one crying if they tried to do a new version of it today, right?). Sure, I know that no one liked them the first time, why give it a second shot, right? Maybe the timing was wrong. Maybe the wrong person was at the helm. (Just think of what Event Horizon could have been like with a competent director.) I just think rather than shitting on the movies I love, maybe someone should take a stab at the movies I hated. I mean, it is all about me after all, isn't it?
Tuesday, August 28, 2007
Don't get me wrong, I think that if you put out the money to make a movie, you oughta be able to earn that money back, and even make a profit. I don't, however, think that you should sue your own customers. And I certainly don't think you should sue anyone over a 20 second cell phone recording.
I'm forced to wonder though, for all the lawsuits that the MPAA/RIAA is throwing around, should I get in on the action? I think that I've suffered permanent emotional distress after viewing Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes. I can't watch the Chuck Heston (and 7dp favorite) original without feeling the taint of Burton's update. Shouldn't someone compensate me for that?
Or, what about the personal turmoil after sitting through the absolutely awful Borat. I want to go for punitive damages on that one. And don't even get me started on the distress and mental scarring suffered upon my by Kurt Wimmer with UltraViolet.
While I'm at it, I think Showtime owes me for the lunch I almost lost watching Imprint.
Just in those few examples, off the top of my head, countless hours of heartache and depression caused DIRECTLY by poor movie making, greenlit by studios who can only figure out half of what 'intellectual property' means. I mean, money can't make up for that. You can't put a price on that kind of anguish.
But, I'll try. Let's see, 3 movies and a lunch...lets say, $50. Add punitive damages on top of that and we'll call it an even 3 million (Hey, I really suffered!).
So, MPAA, I'll be waiting here for my check, though I'm willing to negotiate. I'll call the whole thing even for a gift card for the Olive Garden and a four pack of Orangina.
Monday, August 27, 2007
Or, I could come up with a list of some of my favorite science fiction movie cliches! (In no particular order)
All Knowing Central Computer
HAL, Mother, Icarus, just 'Computer' (boy the Gene Rodenberry was a genius), there's always something. Some computer who knows everything that's going on and may or may not be conspiring against you in order to complete the mission. Keep in mind, you may not be aware of it's TRUE mission. Just because you're there to tow some ore back to Earth doesn't mean that it's not trying to return an alien specimen.
Faster than light travel
Einstein's Theory of Special Relativity claims that you can't travel faster than the speed of light. So, how does one get from one place to another without violating this principle? This is a personal favorite. This is where we get to play with all sorts of theoretical physics, whether it's a matter/anti-matter engine, subspace, wormholes, infinite improbability engines, whatever, there's always SOME way to get around this one.
Chewie, R2-D2, Spock, Data, Worf. He's never in charge, but he's always there to help. As a human, it's up to you to save the galaxy, not one of these, clearly, inferior beings. However, proving that aliens aren't totally useless, you've got a sidekick to bail you out when the going gets tough. Good thing, too. You'd think that if humans were so good at everything and able to rise through the ranks to captain all the good starships and be in charge at all the best bases...you'd think they'd need a little less bailing out.
Not to be trusted non-human
Be careful though, not all non-humans are as altruistic as others. Some of them are out to kill or capture you, or just subvert your mission. Think Ash from Alien or Roy Batty from Blade Runner. Just because they're designed to help you, doesn't mean that they will.
Everyone speaks English
Awfully fucking convenient, isn't it. Everywhere you go, everyone is able to understand each other. For fuck's sake, everyone doesn't even speak English on THIS planet, why would they speak it across the galaxy? It seems to lend the ultimate air of implausibility to the story. I understand that it's a movie and the viewer speaks English, but it's impossible (or at least very VERY unlikely) that someone would travel to another planet and be able to understand whatever sentient beings are living there. Naturally, some attempts have been made to explain this phenomena, Star Trek's universal translator, The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy had the babel fish, and Star Wars just referred to it as Galactic Basic instead of English.
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Saturday, August 11, 2007
Our sun is dying. Mankind faces extinction. Seven years ago the Icarus project sent a mission to restart the sun but that mission was lost before it reached the star. Sixteen months ago, I, Robert Capa, and a crew of seven left earth frozen in a solar winter. Our payload a stellar bomb with a mass equivalent to Manhattan Island. Our purpose to create a star within a star.On behalf of everyone here on Earth, allow me to say, thank you.. I'm glad that someone is doing something about it. I mean, you know what they say about everyone bitching about the weather but not doing anything.
Our sun is dying. Mankind faces extinction. Seven years ago the Icarus project sent a mission to restart the sun but that mission was lost before it reached the star. Sixteen months ago, I, Robert Capa, and a crew of seven left earth frozen in a solar winter. Our payload a stellar bomb with a mass equivalent to Manhattan Island. Our purpose to create a star within a star.Sounds neat! Will it work though?
It's the problem right there. Between the boosters and the gravity of the sun the velocity of the payload will get so great that space and time will become smeared together and everything will distort. Everything will be unquantifiable.So, you don't know. Damn you, theoretical physics! First you ruined Event Horizon and now the sun! Alright Capa, so if all goes well, and it hits its target, you're going to have 4 minutes to get away, that's not a lot of time. You could die just delivering the payload, I mean, a bomb of that size. You don't know what will happen, aren't you scared about that?
When a Stellar Bomb is triggered, very little will happen at first -and then a spark, will pop into existance, and it will hang for an instant, hovering in space and then, it will split into two, and those will split again, and again, and again... detonation beyond all imaging - the big bang on a small scale. - a new star born out of a dying one... I think it will be beautiful... No, i'm not scaredOh. Well, that's good. I mean, it's sort of a suicide mission, isn't it? I mean, what are the odds you'll make it home?
It's not a decision, it's a guess. It's like flipping a coin and asking me to decide whether it will be heads or tails.So, do you think you'll make it home or not?
I see. Well, our producers are telling us that we're out of time. I'd like to thank my guest and give Sunshine 8 crazy captains talking to god for 7 years out of 10.
Thursday, August 09, 2007
Today it was announced in Variety that Battlestar Gallactica creator Ronald D. Moore will begin working on a new take on The Thing. Unfortunately that is all the news regarding the remake that they have released regarding that project. We have known it was coming and it is indeed a ways off still so it should come as no shock.
Moore seems to have experience in the sci fi genre so will he be able to capture the essence of the body jumping creatures from the arctic? Unfortunately only time will tell. At this point he also has a sequel for I,Robot that he is working on so it could be even longer than usual. Only time will tell.
Ok. Let me get this straight. Ron Moore is going to write a remake of a remake? While I can appreciate that it's Ron Moore doing it (I mean, Battlestar is pretty fucking rad, ya know) I just can't understand why this needs to be done? Is the movie going public really clamoring for this? Somehow, I doubt it. The Thing is a great fucking movie. And personally, I'd rather see Moore work on the I,Robot sequel (please, Ron, if you read this, write it WITHOUT Will Smith's character. PLEASE? I'll love you forever..).
It doesn't matter, does it? What the public wants, I mean. It doesn't occur to the Hollywood execs to ask and wonder about that anymore, does it? Anymore...did it ever?
Friday, August 03, 2007
Today's movie is Raging Sharks staring Corbin Bernsen and Corin Nemec. Aka, two people with nothing better to do anymore. To be honest, the movie was a piece of shit. So much so that I don't even really want to review it. So...I'm not going to. Instead, I've got a special treat for you. See, I was talking to a good friend of mine while I was watching the movie, and with her permission, I am reposting a transcript here for you to read. Now, this is not a review, this is a real time conversation about the events of the film WHILE I was watching it. She, however, was not. She has, much to her benefit, never seen this movie. This does, however, paint a pretty good picture of what it's like to try to watch a movie with me.
(For the record, I did try to correct some typographical errors as well as move certain lines around so the they would make more sense (trust me, it had to be done) any remaining errors can and should be attributed solely to me)
Me: I don't envy myself...
Her: just wait a minute....
it *might* get a tiny small bit better
Me: It's a space ship!
in a shark movie?
Me: It's Sharks Iiiiiiiiiinnnn Spppaaaaaacccee
i'm NOT saying anything....
Me: no, it's crazy looking alien costumes
two space ships crashed into each other
and one lost a thermos
and the thermos is heading for earth
where it's crashing through an exploding oil tanker
what are the odds???
all that sea, and it hits a boat
Her: aw i'm disappointed
i wanted someone to find it and give it a home
Me: or at least fill it with coffee
Me: parker lews forgot to shave the bottom of his face
Me: i don't know
Her: he's got...
BIG BUSHY BEARD!!!!!!
Me: no, it's sort of the opposite of that
just a bit of hair under his head
not on his neck
but not on his face either
it's all below his jawbone
i was gonna say... what kind of weird ass movie are you watching....
Me: Raging Sharks
Me: uh oh! sharks are coming up on the welders!
Oh, no, they're dead now
Her: the sharks? or the welders?
Me: the welders
It's Raging SHARKS, remember?
Not Raging Welders
The cable went out on the ship
Her: never a good sign
Me: now, how are they going to watch HBO?
exactly what i was thinking....
we're good ^^
Me: ok, I think that was the same shark footage as the last attack
apparently, there's a lawyer on the submarine, betcha he dies
lawyer.... shark... lawyer-shark....
maybe they team up!!!!!
Me: they're being referred to as a school of sharks
dude fell off of a sea plane
and did cartwheels on the water
Her: Oh shit LOL
Me: it was HILARIOUS
Her: that's one cool way to go ^^
Me: corbin bernson looks like he was in this movie for the paycheck
Like his rent was late that month or something
so, he did a shit movie to get caught up
Her: 'cause thay actually got paid for that?
Me: well, yeah, he has to get paid
there are labor laws
Her: they should be charged when it concerns shit movies lol
Me: I think I saw part of this movie on the discovery channel last year
in one of their shark shows
Me: there's a LOT of stock footage
and they just found some rock candy in a stomach of a shark
the shark had eaten Willy wonka
and now there's a news crew!
a lawyer, a reporter
a reporter in a white tank top
who fell in the water
the same shark chewing footage from earlier
Me: and a disembodied hand still attached to the camera
the lawyer is being a jerk
he wants to shut the lab down for some reason
I think he knows something
Her: why am i not surprised....
Me: and not just something about lawyering
and the sharks growl like lions
Her: the lawyer is .... fishy ahahahahahahah
Me: oh geez
did you really say that?
Her: ... it was Pia, she made me !!!!
Me: Sure, blame the dog
do you do that when you fart too?
Her: well, since i have noone to be bothered by my occasionnal flatulence... nope LOL
Me: isn't that a great, LIBERATING feeling sometimes?
Her: what farting?
Me: the submarine is exploding
for NO reason!
Her: the dirty crew guy pooted... and therefore...
but of course, they don't say that ...
Me: this movie can only be discribed as...wacky
no, I think it has something to do with the alien thermos
Her: who put a thousand mentos in that vat of coke!!!!!!!
Me: that explains it, everyone knows you can't put soda in a thermos!
that's why it's rupturing orange stuff
Me: this is the wackiest fucking...
they're going to launch a torpedo at the 'school' of sharks
Her: ... and one of the sharks, will "jump" on top of it, and ride it like a wild bronco ^^
Me: they'll think it's another shark
and mate with it
i like it ^^
Me: I think Parker Lewis found the thermos
Her: now throw it at the bottom of your locker!!
Me: with the gym shoes?
The sharks are coming back
Get out. of. the. ocean.
I have to admit, it's...
Her: well, it's gotta be like... "what are they coming up with next!!!"
I think the thermos stuff is making people angry and crazy
Her: "aarggghghghgh i dunno what that stuff is, but DAMN.... i want to killthings.... gahahahrrrrrr"
Me: the lawyer is some sort of gun toting shit
black ops guy
I liked him better when he was a lawyer
Her: that gave him a better edge?
or maybe you could hate him easier?
Me: he was just more sympathetic
now he's just homicidal
Parker Lewis can't shoot
Her: Parker lewis... can... lose?
Me: Parker Lewis can't fight a black ops guy
Her: parker lewis is going to get anihiliated
Me: Parker Lewis can't find his wife
Her: parker lewis is married???!!!
to a lady researcher
Her: hot stuff
Me: it's a trick, get an ax!
lady wife just shot black ops guy with a spear gun
You know, about 20 minutes ago
they had 10 minutes worth of oxygen lef
And now the place is on fire
aw, Parker Lewis is getting all mushy with his lady wife
they think they're going to die
But, I bet Corbin Bernsen saves them
Um...unless the spaceship does
Her: "hold me tight"
I'm sorry Parker...
it's alright... i love you wife...
no... i mean... i'm SORRY Parker...
Her: well you know... stress isn't so good for the bowels...
Me: Wow, that's either a big thermos
or really small aliens
Her: MIDGET ALIENS
they are going to save everyone ^^
I don't think so
The lab just blowed up
someone forgot the explosive pot of coffee on...
they survived that?
And so did murderous black ops guy
and so did a shark
who ate the black ops guy
they somehow swam to the sub
Her: ... and they all lived happily ever after, and had lots of little sharks? Me: half shark/half torpedoes
Her: the almighty thermos????
Lot of russians in this movie
Her: VODKA FOR EVERYONE!!!!!
Me: all of the crew's names and in ov or va
Her: apparently Russian people can utilize shark footage very well ^^
So there you go. A transcript showing what it's like to watch a shit ass (but oddly entertaining) movie with me. And shit ass it was. 4 aliens retrieving a cold fusion thermos out of 10.
Thursday, August 02, 2007
What do I mean? Well, for one thing, when Sean goes out on the boat to move the piece of wood and is...I can only describe it as being pounced upon by a heretofore stationary shark and has his arm bitten off, he YELLS FOR HELP! There's no one fucking around! His best bet was to man up and pilot the boat back to shore, but no. The sissy screams for help until the shark kills him.
Micheal and his wife come up from the Bahamas for the funeral, and, ok, I'll admit, the scenes here between him and Ellen are...well, kind of touching. I guess. But enough of that, lets go to the Bahamas, where the water is too warm for great whites! But first, lets focus on the piece of wood that has now washed up on shore! Oh no! Wood!
It's unbelievable!It's a piece of fucking wood!
To the Bahamas we go! You see, Michael is a...snail fighter. I don't know what he does. He tags conchs. That's what he does, along with Jack, someone who is OBVIOUSLY from one of the Caribbean islands. You can tell from his vaguely Jamaican accent. But one day, while sneaking up on the poor snails...a SHARK APPEARS!!
It's terrifying!It's a fucking shark!
At this point I can only shake my head and sigh. I mean, it's a movie about a shark attack that is essentially contrary to everything we know about shark behavior! Sharks don't take things personally. Sharks don't hunt you family because you killed one, they don't come back for revenge (bees on the other hand...). They don't stop and wait only to jump out of the bushes like some sort of wacky aquatic ninja. Do you know why? Because if the stop moving forward THEY DIE!
And while the shark has seemingly developed some sort of 'Brody-sense', Eleen has some sort of shark-sense. And it keeps tingling when the shark gets near a family member. And, why is she so scared? The shark kills 2 people. That's it. Sean dies in the beginning and then some random lady dies near the end. That's it. The shark destroyed almost as many planes!
And why the fuck does Eleen continually have flashbacks to events she was absent for? What the fuck is that about?
And the ending! What. The. Fuck. I mean, it just left me with this overwhelming, slack-jawed, 'huh?' feeling. I watched it the whole time just thinking 'wait. what?'
The movie is peppered with a sort of quasi-Carpenter meets Williams score. Which...I guess works if you try not to think about it. Though it's hard not to . I mean, it's the only thing going on to take your mind off of the terrible quick edits that plague every shark attack.
The sad thing is...I found it fairly enjoyable. I mean, if my choices were Shark Attack 3 or Jaws: The Revenge, well I'd pick Shark Attack 3, obviously. But, it wasn't like it was the worst movie ever. It was bad, sure. I mean, the acting was well below average, especially considering the actors in it. Not to mention that the story doesn't make a ton of sense and the whole things seems to have very little idea what it's doing or where it's going (I mean, the Ellen-Hoagie relationship is fairly unnecessary). And the shark...is it still the same shark from the first movie? Because it's looking pretty rough...and incredibly unlifelike...
5 planes eaten by sharks out of 10.
Wednesday, August 01, 2007
I say it's unfair because, it wasn't that bad. If it were a SciFi Channel movie, Deep Blue Sea would be the cream of the crop. But, alas, it was not. This was a...major motion picture, so to speak, in that it got a theatrical release and an ad campaign that I can somewhat remember 8 years later. Hell, it even had a website! Look! Now THAT is some killer site design!
Deep Blue Sea begins the way ALL shark movies begin, an attack on some attractive young people. You see, sharks abhor ugly people, they taste kind of weird, so they only go for the good looking ones. It's true! I think I saw it on Wikipedia!
So, pretty people are being attacked, but before the shark can eat any of them, here comes Thomas Jane playing Carter and looking like Christopher Lambert to save the day. No, really. Thomas Jane could have been a stand in for Lambert in Highlander looking like that.
It's a genetically engineered shark that has escaped from the Aquatica test facility. You see, they're trying to create a cure for Alzheimer's, because the doctor lady's dad died or something, and she's just doing everything she can to...I don't know. But, she's trying to cure Alzheimer's by any means necessary, dammit.
Then there's Samuel L. Jackson, playing...himself, I guess? It's Sam Jackson as a rich guy, it's his money that is funding the research. Also, it should be noted that he survived an avalanche. This is really important, they bring it up all the fucking time. It's really irrelevant, but, hey...whatever, it's their movie.
So, in an effort to save their funding, they want to take one really good go at making this...serum? I don't remember, brain activating protein...stuff. So, they conduct their test on the shark. And it WORKS! Yay! Congratulations all around! These guys fucking rule! And it's all parties and cupcakes until someone's arm gets eaten.
Oh shit! They have to get him some help. Easy enough, get a helicopter in here and take him to shore, right? Sure. But it's storming outside, and the winch is broken, so our armless scientist falls into the water...and do you know what's in the water? I think you do...3 really smart sharks. They grab hold of him and are, apparently, strong enough (and smart enough) to drag the helicopter into the building.
Look, I've seen Jaws 2 and I'm capable of believing that a shark can rip the shit out of a helicopter...but laying siege to a research facility? I dunno. I mean, I know I couldn't plan out an attack like that, but I'm to believe a shark could? Well...if you say so.
The sharks lay siege to the facility, they're trying to get to the researchers. Which leads to such random and...well, bizarre deaths. What do I mean, well, look:
This is Sam Jackson getting killed. Supposedly. His character I mean. Out of nowhere this shark eats him, mid speech (a lot like Hero in Feast actually). That is's kind of random is fine...but, well, look at the CGI on this...
I just love the...um...pose that he's in. The sort of 'I dunno' shoulder shrug as the shark's mouth envelopes him. That and that it looks like shit.
Like I said, this would have been a great SciFi Original, but it's not. What it is is a fairly entertaining b-movie with a nonsensical plot, flimsy, underdeveloped characters and an ending that seems to be out of character for everyone involved. We're supposed to believe that someone who was willing to risk everyone else to save her research is now going to sacrifice herself?
It's worth a watch, though not worth buying. It's good Saturday afternoon fare. And let's be honest, when it comes to questionable science, it's no Event Horizon. 6 and 1/2 scientists falling into the mouths of super smart sharks out of 10.
Edit: Oh, and LL Cool J plays a cook who, despite being extraneous and poorly developed, manages to, in the end (and beyond any sort of plausibility), save the day.