Sunday, April 29, 2007

FGFC: I always had a feeling that the devil was locked up in a jar in southern California

It was last last August, on a night like tonight. I had turned out the lights, and opened the windows to settle onto my couch to watch a movie. That movie was The Descent. It was, I believe, the third film in the Final Girl Film Club movie series and the first that I had been able to participate in.

It's now April, and I'm doing my fifth movie for the old film club. This time it's John Carpenter's Prince of Darkness, the second consecutive movie not to start with "The".

Donald Pleasence, whom you may remember from another of Carpenter's movies, plays Father Loomis, possibly the twin brother of Dr Loomis. Wouldn't that be kind of neat? Perhaps as kids or young adults they had a falling out over one's desire to study medicine and science and the other's desire to follow the Lord's path. And while one goes on to battle evil in the form of a serial killer, the other goes on to battle evil in the form of a mirror. It's the kind of sibling rivalry that sitcoms are made of! I can hear the laugh track now!

Jameson Parker, whom you may remember as Simon from TV's Simon & Simon, is a physicist, or a physics student, or something. I'm not real sure, they're not very clear. He's in a lot of classrooms, so I guess he's a student. A very old student, with a very handsome mustache.

Look at that mustache. It's a thing of beauty. It's the kind of thing that makes the gods weep.

Victor Wong is a scientist. He's the teacher of the physics class. He does not have a six demon bag. Which is a damned shame, it may have come in handy.

Apparently, the Catholic Church has been...keeping secrets. Shocking. I know. This secret is that Jesus was an alien, and he trapped the devil in a jar. Not a mason jar, either. A jar with a much tighter top. The devil is a green liquid that seems to pour upwards. Also, you you drink it, you become it's slave. Insects and the homeless also appear to be enslaved to the goo. It must be very similar to cheap booze. It looks, however, like the green stuff that the barber soaks the combs in.

Father Loomis has invited the Science Club to come to this church and figure out what in the jar. To prove that it's the devil. So, the quantum physics class joins up with a radiologist, some microbiologists a theologist and a couple other folks, well you get the GIST OF IT! HAHAHAHAHAHA! Wasn't that HILARIOUS! What a great pun! Oh, I kill me sometimes!

*Ahem* Sorry for that little outburst. Moving on.

While the science club is inside doing science things, the homeless population of the area is laying siege to the church, barricading the doors and surrounding the place looking creepy. They may also be throwing spaghetti and worms at the windows. They're main goal seems to be preventing anyone from leaving.

"You know I've always wondered what it would look like if someone were to be killed with half a bicycle..."

"Really? Maybe you should ask Alice."

"Killing someone with half a bicycle? Yeah, I can tell you what that looks like...better yet..."

"I can show you"


The goo manages to free itself and is swallowed by one of the ladies in attendance. She begins killing people and spitting in their mouths so that they too become enslaved. Soon, half the gang is dead/enslaved and the other half is barricaded into their rooms. Satan himself begins to manifest in the body of one of the physics students and is soon free of the cage and looking to set his father free. His father is possibly a white rabbit who'd late for an important date, or an anti-god. Regardless, Satan must try to retrieve this being from the other side of the looking glass. While Satan is pulling him into our world, mustache man's lady friend grabs Satan and flings them into the mirror! The good Father, throwing caution to the wind and saying "seven years of luck be damned," breaks the mirror, trapping everyone inside. The homeless dissipate and the paramedics arrive.

I've never been much of a fan of Carpenter's movies. Not sure why. Though, to be honest, I'm not sure that I realized how many of his movies I had seen, or liked for that matter. Hell, of Carpenter's "Apocalypse Trilogy" (The Thing, Prince of Darkness and In the Mouth of Madness) I have to admit to being a fan of both The Thing and In the Mouth of Madness. Both of which I found to be frightening and at least a little unnerving. Prince of Darkness had a lot going for it. 1) My love of quantum physics. Seriously, bring up Schroedinger's Cat in a movie, and I'm in. 2) My affection for Victor Wong. Never met the guy, but I loved him in Carpenter's other flick Big Trouble in Little China. 3) I don't have a three. Sorry to get you're hopes up like that.

There was something, though, and I can't put my finger on it, that just didn't do it for me. Maybe it was expecting to see Kurt Russell around every corner. Maybe I thought too much about Big Trouble in Little China. Maybe it was the Exorcist overtone throughout. I think that may have been a big part of it. It reminded me too much of The Exorcist. The whole church and possession thing. That's not to say that I didn't enjoy it though, that's the weird thing. I mean, is it something that I'll watch again? Unlikely. But I certainly don't feel like I wasted my time. I mean, I did get to see Alive Cooper kill a dude with a bike, and that ALONE would have been worth the 7 dreams that are not a dream, using your brain's electrical system as a receiver for the purpose of causality violation out of 10.

Wouldn't it be fun if I did a whole week of traliers? Day 7 part 3

Let's finish up with this classy little flick (you can tell it's classy because it's French) from Luc Besson, Angel-A.

Wouldn't it be fun if I did a whole week of traliers? Day 7 part 2

We're clearing out the inventory this weekend! Everything must go!

Up this time is ANOTHER movie starring Simon Pegg, this time along side David Schwimmer in The Big Nothing.

Wouldn't it be fun if I did a whole week of trailers? Day 7

It's all been building up to this, hasn't it?

Saturday, April 28, 2007

Wouldn't it be fun if I did a whole week of trailers? Day 6

I can't remember if I posted this one already...I tihnk maybe I posted a link. I don't remember. Regardless, as many now I enjoyed BOTH of the previous Resident Evil movies. I thought they were both a lot of fun in very different ways. I don't know why, but I seem to enjoy a lot of the video game adaptations that they've been putting out. Except Doom. Fuck Doom.

Just in case I did post that one in the past...we'll make this a two-fer and give you another trailer. A trailer that creeps me the fuck out. Because, ew, bugs. Yuck. They get on your skin and squirm and crawl over you in your sleep with their dirty little legs poking ever so faintly at you skin. *shudder*

Friday, April 27, 2007

Wouldn't it be fun if I did a whole week of trailers? Day 5

I'm not exactly what one would call a "fan" of Stephen King. In fact, I'm kind of the opposite of a fan. I am, however, a fan of John Cusack. Is that enough to make me see something like this? Does the good out weigh the bad? Maybe.

Thursday, April 26, 2007

Wouldn't it be fun if I did a whole week of trailers? Day 4

It was almost 2 years ago when I first read about this movie in Rue Morgue. Now that it looks like it might finally get released I have to say that I'm even more excited

Wednesday, April 25, 2007

Wouldn't it be fun if I did a whole week of trailers? Day 3

Ok, maybe 28 Days Later isn't technically a zombie movie. I know it's "rage" or whatever, but that's fine. It was still an awesome fucking movie. And while I don't have high hopes for the sequel (because who the hell has high hopes for a sequel) I have to admit that it does at least look interesting. Plus, Robert Carlyle!

Tuesday, April 24, 2007

This shit just got real

Well, I didn't say it was going to be ONLY trailers this week, now did I? No. No I did not. Because had I done that, I would have had to put off talking about Hot Fuzz, and I just can't have that.

Hot Fuzz, is, of course, the new movie from the Simon Pegg/Edgar Wright team that brought you Shaun of the Dead a couple years ago, as well as the television show Spaced before that. Hot Fuzz is their take on the action/buddy-cup genre.

It all starts in London where P.C. Nicolas Angel is the best damn cop on the force. And he has the commendations to prove it. This, however, kind of annoys everyone else. For all his hard work, he gets a promotion to Sargent and a cushy job in the country. Of course, this is not exactly something that Angel wants, but he has no choice in the matter. He's Sandford bound.

Once in Sandford, Angel quickly gets to acting like the good old cop he is. IDing minors in the pub, arresting a drunk driver and arresting drunk kids peeing all over the place. In the morning, he officially reports for duty. It turns out that the drunk driver is the Chief's son and his new partner. And, as punishment for his offense he must bring in ice cream every day for a month. This is the kind of town it is, the low crime rate is partially attributable to the lack of people willing to press charges.

So it goes, Angel tries to adjust to small town life and then crazy shit starts to happen. Odd little accidents. Angel gets a bit suspicious, but they're just accidents. The rest of the squad (not force, too aggressive) thinks he's crazy and is too wrapped up in his big city past to see that it's different out here.

Angel is convinced that there is something more sinister going on. His partner Danny, however, is less concerned. He's more interested in hearing Angel's stories about being a big city cop. Danny wants to be the kind of cop you see in action movies., you know, shooting guns into the air, high speed chases, gunfights, all of that.

And Shepherds we shall be For thee, my Lord, for thee. Power hath descended forth from Thy hand Our feet may swiftly carry out Thy commands. So we shall flow a river forth to Thee And teeming with souls shall it ever be. In Nomeni Patri Et Fili Et Spiritus Sancti.

Without giving anything away (because I hate giving too much away on new movies) the whole thing culminates in one of the most surreal gunfights I've ever seen. And I've seen Tears of the Black Tiger!

Quick, the store closes in ten minutes and we're out of dip!

And that the whole battle ends in a Godzilla-esque rampage through a model town only made me love it more. I mean, it's people fighting in a miniature village! I want to do that! If I ever win the lottery, that's what I'm going to do! Find me a bunch of model makers to build me a mini city. And then, run through it and destroy everything! In fact, it might look something like this:

That would be fucking sweet.

I will warn you, do not go into this movie expecting it to be anything like Shaun of the Dead. It doesn't even feel anything like it, which is good. I was afraid that they would just try to recreate that success with Hot Fuzz. Instead Pegg and Wright were able to show that they aren't one trick ponies. They chose not to rest on their laurels here. As a result, Hot Fuzz is not Shaun of the Dead and in some ways might even be a little bit better (*gasp* did I say that???) No, seriously. 9 swans in the back seat of your squad car out of 10.

Edit: Did you know that this was the 250th post? Pretty sweet, right? Woo! Bust out the party hats, baby! We're rockin this joint now! Um...that's all I've got.

Wouldn't it be fun if I did a whole week of trailers? Day 2

Yeah, I really think this was a good idea. The whole trailer week thing that is.

Today it's Danny Boyle's new movie Sunshine. I've seen all of two of his movies and I have to admit to liking both of them, so I'm definitely looking forward to seeing Sunshine. I mean, come on, it's about the sun dying. It's in fucking space! That's me all day.

And since I'm felling generous, here's a second one:

Monday, April 23, 2007

Wouldn't it be fun if I did a whole week of trailers? Day 1

I saw a preview today, and I just HAD to share:

Written by Michael "Remember me from 'The State'?" Ian Black, directed by David "Hey, I played Ross" Schwimmer and starring Simon "I might be the funniest actor ever" Pegg and Dylan "I was the guy who looked like Harry Potter in Shaun of the Dead" Moran and Hank "I was that guy in the American Godzilla movie. No, that was Mathew Broderick, I was the OTHER guy" Azaria.

Any one of those would have been enough to make me want to see this movie.

Everything I know about WWII, I learned from movies. Oh! And video games.

I ventured down to the DFT again over the weekend, this time to see Zwartboek, aka Black Book. You know, the WWII movie by Paul Verhoeven. Yeah, the guy who did Robocop. Yeah, he did Starship Troopers too. Yeah, and Showgirls. Verhoeven went back to his native Holland to make this movie about the Dutch resistance in WWII. A movie that would be the most expensive Dutch movie ever made, not to mention the highest grossing.

It all starts in 1956 Israel. A Dutch woman on a Holy Land tour runs into an old friend from back in the war. The friend is teaching a class in Hebrew, and much to our Dutch friend's surprise, is Jewish!

The teacher is the former Rachael Stein, a German Jew. We flashback to 1944, Rachael lives in a farm house with a family who forces her to recite scripture in order to be fed. When the farmhouse is inadvertently bombed, she must go on the run again. It's at this time that she meets up with a man who tells her about a way to escape to freedom. All she needs is to be ready and bring all her money. It's at this time that she is reunited with her family to make the crossing. The crossing, however, is a rouse to kill and rob the Jews! Rachael is the only survivor on the massacre.

Fun Fact! Jews were persecuted in WWII

Rachael then ends up joining the Dutch resistance and is instrumental in smuggling in insulin and wire tapping the office of a high ranking Nazi. She also manages to fall in love with a different high ranking Nazi. The shit, however, hits the proverbial fan when he finds out that she's a Jew and might be working against the Nazi's. She gives him some info, but when he tries to use it, it gets turned around on him and he gets arrested by a German Howie Mandel.

In the subsequent jailbreak, a number of Dutch resistance members are killed and the Nazi's use the wire tap to make it appear that Rachael tipped them off. Now, the Nazi's plan to kill her, and the Dutch want her dead too! Once again, though, she manages to escape from the German's to freedom.

When the liberation comes, she and her Nazi boyfriend are still on the run. Now they have to avoid the Dutch themselves. As she starts to collect information to clear her name, her lawyer gets killed, her boyfriend gets arrested and she gets captured.

It's really kind of sad, the poor girl can't catch a break throughout the movie. Every time things look up, they dump more shit on her. Everyone who tries to befriend of help her ends up worse for it. It's as though she's cursed. You're really rooting for her the entire movie, but she just can't catch a break.

Verhoeven, in his commentary for Starship Troopers said that he was trying to convey the message that "war makes fascists of us all." It's a message that he was sort of coy about in Starship Troopers, but comes right out and beats you over the head with in Black Book. No one is innocent in this movie, everyone is sinning and everyone is only looking out for themselves. If it means working with the Nazi's to kill and rob rich Jews, then so be it. Who says you can't work with the Nazi's and be a hero of the resistance? It's okay to fuck everyone over so long as you can save your own son, right? Everyone has their motives for the things that they do. everything is justifiable.

It really was an amazing movie, and if you get the chance, check it out. 8 greedy bastards locked in coffin while they try to escape justice for their crimes out of 10.

Saturday, April 21, 2007

giant monsters all out attack week: the aftermath

I do this with the best of intentions, but some how always fall short. I believe last time I was called a slacker, maybe that's true. Regardless, I start a theme week, roll along just fine, then Saturday hits and there are just too many other things to do. I mean, it's 73 degrees and sunny! How can I sit and watch a movie when it's like that?

Ok, I know, it's not like I'm going to go outside and play frisbee or anything, but the motivation to blog leaves me when the weather turns nice and the week turns into the weekend. So, once again, I stop the week at five days and move on.

Now that it's over, it's time to rebuild and get on with our lives. Until, that is, that fateful day when Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week returns as all giant monsters do! Until that day, he's a recap to serve as a reminder of the horrors we've survived!

Day 1 : Eight Legged Freaks
Day 2: The Valley of Gwangi
Day 3: Gamera 3: Revenge of Iris
Day 4: King Kong vs Godzilla
Day 5: Jurassic Park III

Friday, April 20, 2007

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week Day 5: Jurassic Park 3

I remember, as a kid, I loved dinosaurs. Loved them. All of them. Well, the brontosaurus was my favorite, actually. Toys, books. You name it. Just fascinated by them. Largely, I still am. I think that if I had seen Jurassic Park at a younger age, I may have really dedicated my life to dinosaurs. Though, it is still possible that my apathy would have won out. It's hard to say.

I have to say though that I wasn't a huge fan of the second movie. I only saw it once and don't recall having any desire to see it again. So, to say that I was rushing to see the third would be something of an exaggeration. However, having now SEEN Jurassic Park III, I have to say that I wish I had done so sooner.

It's illegal to fly over or land in Isla Sorna, aka Site B. However, there is a company offering para sailing trips along the coast. It's here that Eric and his adult friend get lost. Meanwhile, Dr Grant is still studying velociraptors. The dead ones though. The living ones still scare the shit out of him. He gives lectures. Lectures where he says things like:

No force on earth or heaven could get me on that island.

Except money, apparently. Because Dr Grant is a whore. Really. It takes very little prodding for Dr Grant and his assistant, Billy, to agree to accompany the Kirbys on an excursion for a flyover of Isla Sorna. They, supposedly have permission from some "contacts".

This is all a big fat lie though. You see, the Kirbys basically KIDNAP Dr Grant to help them look for their son. They're divorced and the boy went missing with mom's new boyfriend 8 weeks ago. They brought Dr Grant because they needed someone who had been to the island, however, Grant had never been to THIS island. And he's not too thrilled about being on this one now. He keeps saying things like "On this island there is no such thing as safe " and "Either way... you probably won't get off this island alive." He's really kind of a downer.

Eventually they do find the boy still alive. But it's after multiple dino attacks. Including new raptors and a big fuck off spinosaurus! This thing is massive. Fucker takes out a t-rex like it's nothing.

The pacing is great. There's a lull then BAM dino attack. Lull, BAM, lull, BAM. And it moves like that. You get a real sense of the danger they're in. You can really sort of feel the paranoia Grant has on the island. At the same time though, there's still a sense of awe and wonder at marveling at these great beasts.

I was absolutely DREADING watching this movie. All I'd heard was how big a pile of shit it was. But I loved it. Easily my second favorite Jurassic Park movie of all time. 8 vials of t-rex pee that you don't really want to know how I got out of 10.

Thursday, April 19, 2007

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week Day 4: King Kong vs Godzilla

I hate it when I fall asleep towards the end of a movie. Especially since it's rarely a critique of the movie itself. More often it's just that I'm tired after work and fall asleep. Such was the case with King Kong vs Godzilla. The 1962 return of Godzilla.

Yes, that's right. Return. In Godzilla Raids Again, he was trapped inside an iceberg. Luckily, with the help of an incredibly inept US submarine crew Godzilla is released to wreak havoc upon the Japanese mainland!

I'm free, bitches! What are you gonna do now? Attack me with toys??

Godzilla heads for a Japanese military outpost where he is promptly attacked by toys.


I used to like setting my toys on fire too.


Retreat successful, sir! What should we try next?

Godzilla is able to withstand the attack. Meanwhile, on Faro Island, two representatives of the Pacific Pharmaceutical Company are trying to find a new corporate mascot. They've come to the island in search of a giant god. Instead, they find a giant octopus, played by a real octopus, attacking a hut, played by a miniature hut. The octopus does, however, draw the attention of King Kong who appears from the jungle to face off against the slimy beast.

You slimy bastard!

Everyone celebrate Kong's victory in the most natural way.

Yay for smoking!

With cigarettes. Kong celebrates with a different drug. The juice of the Soma berry. This has the effect of giving him a roofie. He passes out and the Japanese men tie him up and take him home.

Once in Japan, Kong and Godzilla gravitate towards each other do to the fact (and by fact I mean "an announcer said it, so it must be true") that they are instinctual enemies. Also, FACT, Godzilla, being a lizard, is afraid of electricity. Kong, however, being a giant goddamn ape is made stronger by electricity. I don't know why. No one bothers to explain it. It is, however, presented as fact. FACT!

Kong and Godzilla meet and Godzilla, using nuclear fire breath, sets Kong's crotch on fire. Kong says "fuck this noise" and wanders off. Godzilla continues to meander towards Tokyo while giving the people of Japan time to dig a giant fuck off hole in the ground to trap Godzilla and erect a series of power lines around the city. Kong also attempts to attack Tokyo, however the electricity only makes him stronger. Luckily the people of Japan have some drugs and form a drum circle, putting Kong to sleep. Once again unconscious due to the effect of the roofies, the Japanese attach BALLOONS to Kong to transport him to where ever the hell Godzilla is.

No ticket!

When they find Godzilla, they cut the ropes, DROPPING Kong on top of Godzilla. Thus our final fight begins.

Eat your veggies you bastard!

They fight and fight until they fall into the ocean. Kong eventually emerges and swims home to Faro island, Godzilla's fate is unknown.

I watched the easier to obtain US version of the movie, which differs, apparently, from the original. Universal made a few decisions with this movie aside from dubbing the voices. They also used a group of UN News reporters to broadcast a play by play of what was going on. They also used the music from The Creature from the Black Lagoon rather than using Akira Ifukube's soundtrack, because really, what the hell did he know?

Overall, it was fun, though it did suffer from the plodding pace typical of monster movies at the time. 7 soma berries to put you to sleep while natives dance around you on some tropical island out of 10.

Wednesday, April 18, 2007

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week Day 3: Gamera 3 Revenge of Iris

After nearly a year, I'm finally finishing the Gamera trilogy. The series itself spans 4 years, so technically, I have to say I'm ahead of schedule.

We start off with a dead Gyaos somewhere near the equator. You may remember the Gyaos from Gamera: Guadian of the Universe. They were the pterodactyl type things. Giant lizard birds, sent to destroy the earth. This particular Gyaos is dead.

Next we cut to a sub scanning the ocean floor where they find a metric shit ton of Gamera skeletons. It's like a Gamera graveyard. It's crazy. The opening credits then roll over a recap of the prior two movies. It shows mostly the battle between Gamera and the Gyaos. Legion is surprisingly under represented. Next we meet Ayana whose parents were killed during the attack while trying to save their cat, Iris. Ayana jumps up as it was only a dream.

Ayana is bitter and hates Gamera. Gamera stole her precious! We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Sneaky little Gameras. Wicked, tricksy, false! Her obsession draws her to a creature hatched from an egg that she names Iris. The creature begins to bond with her through a pendant similar to the comma's from the first movie.

Gamera himself is still busy battling the Gyaos and is returning to Japan. The government and citizens are kind of getting fed up with the destruction caused by these battles and want to kill Gamera himself.

As Iris grows, it tries to absorb Ayana into itself. Ayana is freed from the cocoon, however Iris then decides to feed on the life force of the other people of the village. Ayana is taken to Kyoto and Iris follows. Iris, however is intercepted by Gamera and the battle begins. Ayana learns that it was her own hatred that Iris has fed off of and the Gamera was not responsible for her parents death. Gamera, in turn, saves Ayana and kills Iris, the end.

This was a fun movie. Seriously. It was better than a lot of the Godzilla stuff from the mid-90s on. While it was very story driven, there was a good amount of death and destruction. There was even a fair amount of CGI in it which is somewhat abnormal for Japanese Kaiju movies, though it certainly worked in this one. Let's go with 8 buildings destroyed with your parents inside looking for a cat that will feed your anger and lust for Kaiju blood until you, in turn, lead to the destruction of another city in your quest for revenge out of 10.

Tuesday, April 17, 2007

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week Day 2: The Valley of Gwangi

<- See that. The tag line. Cowboys, battling monsters. Yeah. Totally. I'm in. A million times, I'm in for this. The Valley of Gwangi is a movie that was originally conceived by Willis O'Brien, who did the stop motion effects for King Kong in 1942. It took almost 40 years for Ray Harryhausen to make the movie himself.

We start off with something in a sack being stolen from the Forbidden Valley and a blind gypsy woman warning of the curse of Gwangi. "He who takes from Gwangi the evil one is cursed." The sack stealer is noticeably unimpressed. Heh, I called him a sack stealer.

Next, we're in a Mexican town somewhere in Mexico. There's a parade. And a rodeo at the arena. Tuck wants to go, but the little local boy wants Tuck's money. After some clever banter, Tuck gives Lope some money for a horse and a guide to the arena where the rodeo is. You know, rodeo. As in

Well it's bulls and blood
It's dust and mud
It's the roar of a Sunday crowd
It's the white in his knuckles
The gold in the buckle
He'll win the next go 'round
It's boots and chaps
It's cowboy hats
It's spurs and latigo
It's the ropes and the reins
And the joy and the pain
And they call the thing rodeo*

Rodeo. This particular one is run by a Ms. TJ Breckenridge who likes to swim with horses in pools ringed by fire. Tuck and TJ used to be something of an item. But then Tuck left. And now he's back. Not to rekindle some flame, but to try to buy TJ's diving horse Omar.

TJ doesn't want to sell out though. So she tells Tuck to fuck off. Tuck proceeds to fuck off and meets a Professor while wandering the desert with his little friend Lope. The professor shows him fossils of a small prehistoric "dawn horse".

Tuck goes back to town with Lope where TJ finally starts being friendlier. She shows him the mini horse that Carlos the Sack Stealer found. The plan is that the tiny horse will dance on the back of the big hose and we will all be rich! Rich I say! Tuck, in his giddiness over how sweet ass this tiny horse is decides to show the professor. The professor though wants to talk to the gypsies about where it came from. And, being the noble scientist that he is, he tells the gypsies where the tiny horse is so that they can steal it back and maybe lead him to the forbidden valley from whence it came.

So, the gypsies steal back the tiny horse. In fact, it's the tiniest gypsy who gets to break in and retrieve it. Fitting, in a way. And, since no one likes Tuck, it's easy for everyone to imagine that he was responsible. Tuck, in reality, is chasing after the thieves to try to retrieve the horse for TJ because, well, he loves her. And love makes you do funny things sometimes. Like chase after gypsies who stole a little horse. Chase them all the way to a forbidden valley in the hopes of finding MORE little horses because they're just so gosh darned cute.

Once inside the valley, they are attacked by a pterodactyl who tries to fly off with Lope. Luckily Lope is too damned heavy or something because the damn thing lands abruptly. Someone then jumps at the chance to break the poor thing's neck. Poor thing.

They find other creatures in the valley as well. Three different dinosaurs in fact. Two of them get killed by the third, Gwangi. Gwangi is lord of this realm. Gwangi is about the size of an elephant. And Gwangi seems displeased with the people in his valley. The group however sees dollar signs and manages to capture Gwangi to take back for their show.

Back in the arena, the gypsy midget undoes the bolts on Gwangi's cage. Gwangi kills the poor bastard as a thank you and then kills an elephant. Hell of a show. Well worth the price of admission to me, but the spectators in the crowd collectively shit themselves and run out of the arena.

While Tuck and the gang try to fight Gwangi, everyone retreats to the church for the final showdown with Gwangi. Once Tuck is in the church, however, everyone flees the church figuring that it will be better if Tuck handles that final showdown thing himself. Luckily Tuck is one resourceful dude and manages to set the church on fire, killing Gwangi.

Then, the townsfolk hang Tuck and the gang for bringing the beast to town and destroying their church and city. Or at least that's what SHOULD have happened. I mean, the church was CONNECTED to other buildings. The fire will SPREAD. Gwangi didn't destroy the town, the rodeo people did! No, instead we go out with Lope being all emo and shit. Crying to teach us that we should respect all life, or that we should let sleeping prehistoric beasts lie in their forbidden valleys. I don't know. Why else do kids cry?

This is, without a doubt, the BEST cowboys versus dinosaurs movie that I have ever seen in the history of ever! Harryhausen's effects look great. The story, for as cheesy as it sounds today, is great. The acting is good. It was such a great movie that I'm giving it 8 circles of mountains, jagged peaks and steep cliffs that could be the perfect barrier against man and the elements to contain a land of the lost without any sleestacks out of 10.

*Holy shit...did I really use lyrics from a Garth Brooks song?

Monday, April 16, 2007

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week Day 1: Eight Legged Freaks

You know, for some reason, I really don't like David Arquette. True story*, David Arquette and I used to be good friends**. We were at Jamba Juice*** one day, and he kicked me****! For no reason*****!

Ever since then, I have avoided his movies. So it was with a small amount of trepidation that I watched Eight Legged Freaks. I knew very little about the movie aside from Arquette being in it and it having spiders. Big spiders. GIANT spiders. And, to be honest, me no likey spiders. Really, me no likey bugs in general. They kind of...I don't know. They don't freak me out, but they make me feel kind of squiggly. And not in a good way.

Arquette plays Chris McCormick, son of the former head mine guy. I say former because the dude died. He died before the movie started. I don't really know. Chris had left like 10 years ago. Now he's back to reopen the mine or some damn thing.

Meanwhile, a drum of toxic waste has fallen into a local pond and contaminated the water. It has also made some crickets radioactive. The local spider enthusiast/retailer begins to feed the radioactive super crickets to his exotic spiders. The crickets make the spiders grow much much larger. So large that they escape and take over the guy's house!

Really, once the spiders are loose, exactly what you think will happen does. They run amok, as giant monsters tend to do, wreaking havoc upon the poor townsfolk and their pets.

Really, that sums up the plot. Bugs get big, bugs attack, town fights back, something blows up, roll credits. There are naturally a few small subplots about Chris and the Sheriff being in love, and the sheriff's kids being kids. And something about the mayor storing toxic waste under his mall/ostrich farm, but really, it's all pretty irrelevant. It's not bad. Not by any means, but if it wasn't there, you might not notice is all I'm saying.

Extraneous subplots aside, I have to tell you I absolutely LOVED this movie. It was fucking great. This is a movie made specifically for people who liked that 50's style mutant monster attack movie BY people who liked that 50's style mutant monster attack movie. It is, aside from a giant spider movie, a comedy and the comedy totally fucking works. The movie is hilarious, I kept laughing. It was awesome. The cat fighting the spider inside the wall is worth watching the movie for, if nothing else! The spider noises where fucking hilarious, too! And the story itself is so fucking fun. Everything about this movie was amazing and I wish I had seen it sooner!

I'm giving Eight Legged Freaks 9 super crickets from the toxic waste filled lake so that you can feed your spiders out of 10!

*Not true in any way.
** I have never met David Arquette.
***I have never been to Jamba Juice.
****David Arquette has never kicked me or anyone I know. As far as I know he has never even kicked a football. To the best of my knowledge he has lived a kicking free life.
*****I'm sure he had a reason.

Sunday, April 15, 2007

Giant Monsters All Out Attack Week

I like doing these theme weeks. For some reason, I just get a huge kick out of them.

And, you know what, there are only a few things that I enjoy more than watching giant monsters level cities. Which is why I've been looking forward to this particular week. I had the idea over the winter to do an entire week of giant monster movies. That's right, GIANT monsters. Not just big monsters, GIANT. I'm talking creatures that could destroy a city, not a breadbox.

It's going to be a fun week I think, full of all sorts of monsters. Come back tomorrow when we (as in me) kick it off!

*Calamastre print by Kevin Dart. Check him out at Fleet Street Scandal

Monday, April 09, 2007


Yes, I know I just posted something. Yes, I know two in a day ain't my style. Regardless, there's something we need to talk about.

You see, I'm kind, scratch that...VERY excited about the new Fantastic Four movie. I mean, Silver Surfer...Galactus...come on. It's gonna be hella sweet. Here' the problem though, I was just poking around at and they have a new poster for it.

Pretty sweet, right? Look at Sue. That A) doesn't look like Jessica Alba and 2) doesn't even look real. It looks cgi. And that's just really weird.

Quick Reviews of Bad Movies the Third

Last night, as I was stuck at home for Easter due to automotive traumas...I ended up watching good old USA Network. And there wasn't even an SVU marathon on!

Instead, it was The Fast and the Furious staring that guy who took too long to die in Saving Private Ryan.

All kidding aside, you know what, I can kinda see why people liked that movie. I just can't understand why I did...

Sunday, April 08, 2007

Holiday Survival

It's that time again. That day that we must all hold sacred. The day that may ultimately save your soul. It's the day we set aside each year for one thing and one thing only, Zombie Survival.

What? I'm pretty sure Jesus was a zombie. Hey, only two things come back from the dead...zombies and vampires. And, while I know all the "this is my blood" shit points to vampirism, here at 7dp, we're much more concerned with protecting you from unrelenting hordes of zombies. I mean, vampires can still get online and read the old blog here.

Most likely, you are spending at least part of your day locked in a bomb shelter with your favorite family members to protect yourself from the potential harm that zombies could do to your person. However, there is the possibility that you are stuck in a house with open doors and exposed windows because your family thinks zombies are another of your crazy fears. Just because they didn't believe Dr Grant about the velociraptors doesn't mean you shouldn't. And you shouldn't question your fear of zombies!

So, to protect yourself in an unsecured house, what should you do? Well, before mom finishes cooking the traditional Tofurkey, look around. How many potential exits or entrances are there? Locate them. Typically there are at least doors in a house, though there could be more if there is an attached garage. How many windows are there? How high off the ground are they? Zombies can't climb, so if they're high off the ground, they may be okay for a short amount of time. Not long though. Once the attack begins, each zombie you kill near that window serves to raise the ground level.

Does the house have a second floor? If you can take out the stairs, the second floor is much more secure. If this house doesn't, does one nearby have a second floor? Look for a home owned by someone who is at THEIR family's home, or someone who can be easily over powered. You don't want to be injured trying to take over someone's home, you'll need to be in good shape to keep yourself alive. Consider a home owned by someone's grandparents. Be careful in the south, the elderly may already be sitting on the porch with guns. Avoid them.

Good job. You've successfully invaded someone's home and established it as your new base of operations. It's time now to secure it. The trick here is to make it difficult not just to get inside, but to make it difficult to tell anyone is inside at all. Windows should be blocked with something heavy. Dressers or china cabinets work great for this. Tables make lousy barricades alone, but teamed up with an old recliner, they're much more stable and can block an entire window. Odds are against the power staying on for long, so don't forget that the fridge, once in place, is hard to move as well.

The first floor of your new base is secure, now to the second floor. Corral the family members that you think you can live with for the foreseeable future and get them upstairs. They probably hate you and your smug saving-them-from-the-zombie-attack-they-didn't-even-believe-in ass right now. This is normal. Keep them away from windows. The zombies will inevitably see them. Don't shove them out of the window either. You're trying NOT to alert the zombies to your presence. Lock your family in a bathroom or something. They'll be safe there, and as a bonus, away from you.

How many ways are there up to the second floor? The average home probably only has 1 staircase. You're going to need to destroy it. Hopefully there's a sledgehammer nearby, otherwise, this won't be much fun. Start with the bottom stair first and work your way up. You do not want to get caught at the bottom with no way up.

Speaking of no way up, did you check the basement? No? Dumbass. You're going to need to find some way to eliminate the basement as an entrance. There is too much shit in your average basement that could cause an "accident". Your furnace and hot water heater may be down there, either of which are potential fire hazards should a zombie start to stumble around. Not to mention all the hiding spots. Luckily, the windows down here are fairly small. they're also high off the ground, making them difficult to barricade but easy to crawl through.

Second level is secure. The first level, well, you did your best. The basement was a disaster, but hey, it doesn't hurt to hope for the best. All things considered, you're fairly secure now. Don't get me wrong, you're a chump if you think that the zombies won't get past your flimsy barriers. Trust me, your dumb ass uncle is going to draw their attention at some point. But look at it this way, until your inevitably violent death, you get to spend ALL of your time trapped in an enclosed area with only your relatives.

Hopefully death comes soon for you.

Happy Easter!

EDIT: 2010-5-20 This was submitted to the Your Best Post Blogathon at He Shot Cyrus.

Thursday, April 05, 2007

I wonder if it's a misdomeanor or felony when you break the laws of physics...

Oh, Event Horizon! I really wanted to like you. I wanted to like you a LOT. I mean, you were a movie about space and black holes and space time distortion and other fun theoretical physics. And I do love theoretical physics.

General relativity aside, there were other things that seemed interesting about the movie. The whole interdimensional travel to hell and back. The mystery of what happened. The horrific consequences of defying the laws of physics. Things like that. It had a kind of claustrophobic, Alien style vibe at times. Though, really, what modern horror movie in space doesn't have some sort of Alien vibe?

The Event Horizon is a ship that went missing seven years ago. Now, the crew of the Lewis & Clark, joined by scientist Dr. Weir, are sent to investigate a signal that has been identified as coming from the Event Horizon, now in orbit around Neptune. Prior to leaving, Dr Weir appears to be plagued by dreams of his formerly suicidal girlfriend. I say formerly because I think it hard to call someone suicidal once they've succeeded. At that point, really, they're just dead.

When they get to the ship, no one is alive. They only find one body. However, the crew of the Lewis & Clark start to have visions. And one of the crew members is sucked into the gravity well that the Event Horizon uses as an engine. See, the engine creates a portal to another dimension and no one knows what's on the other side. Except the dude who got sucked in. And he wants to kill himself over what he saw!

The ship seems to bring everyone's worst fears to life and drive them crazy. Yeah, it's like that. Whatever came back from the other dimension with the ship wants to go back, and it wants to take everyone with it.

This was a movie that, had it had a competent director, could have been great. Well, it could have at least been really good. And, nothing against Paul WS Anderson (who's work I have really enjoyed on other occasions), but the flaws in this movie were predominantly from a directing stand point. Yes, I understand that the studio made him cut 30 minutes from the film. And I understand that that alone can wreck a movie, but he still got to choose which 30 minutes.

The biggest problem was that the movie kept building and building and then either wouldn't pay off or would pay off with the world's most predictable jump scare. Think about it this way, ever been to a cheap haunted house? Maybe something put on by a church or high school? It's kind of like that. You want to be scared because it's a haunted house, and you want to be scared because you know that their hearts are in it, but really, it's not that scary and you almost feel bad. Afterwards you lie a little and tell them that "Oh, you almost really had me back there!" just to make the kids feel better.

And it's in this way that a movie that could have been something special gets turned into a basic haunted house in space. And that's boring to me.

It wasn't a complete waste of time though. The effects looked really good. The acting was good. And I'm always interested in the ways movies try to get around general relativity to travel through space, and cutting a hole through space-time is as good as any. So, it's not that the movie didn't have anything going for it. And it's not that I wasn't entertained. I was just annoyed. 6 trips to a dimension of pure chaos where your crew will kill each other in some sort of weird outer space blood orgy out of 10.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Break it down!

Stop! Trailer Time!

Because I have nothing else at the moment, lets look at trailers. First up is War, Inc starring John Cusack. It looks like a lot like Grosse Point Blank. It looks as though it could almost be a sequel in spirit if not in name. There doesn't seem to be a ton of info about it yet, but there is, naturally, a myspace page set up.

Um...what else...nothing. I just wanted to post that.