Friday, September 29, 2006

You tell me.

I know that I've kind of been piling on Dead or Alive, which is admittedly, a little unfair. The movies not out, and I haven't seen anything beyond a few still and a trailer (a very bad trailer).

From the website:

"The story, a cross between Charlie's Angels and Enter The Dragon, revolves around four beautiful women who begin as rivals in a secret invitational-only martial arts contest, but find themselves teaming up with one another against a sinister force. Joining Tina, Christie, Kasumi and Helena at the lush jungle location are Zack, Bayman, and Leon.

Others come to the island for their own ulterior motives. Bass, a world-champion wrestler, arrives to convince his daughter Tina not to put her life in danger. Then there's Christie's former partner-in-crime Max, who masquerades as a Brazilian kick-boxer but has his eye is on an even bigger prize than the $10 million purse.

On the other hand, Princess Kasumi is surrounded by her own entourage of characters: her bodyguard and friend Hayabusa, her half-sister and would-be assassin Ayane, and her brother Hayate, who disappeared during the previous Dead or Alive tournament.

Who will win the Dead or Alive tournament? Will Princess Kasumi survive long enough to find out whether her brother Hayate is still alive? How will Helena's learning the truth of the unseemly death of her father, the founder of the Dead or Alive tournament, affect her loyalties? Can the former allies-turned-sworn- enemies Christie and Max reunite to pull off the biggest heist of their careers? And exactly what does Donovan have up his sleeves?

Intrigue and mystery, beauty and brawn, exotic scenery and extraordinary sets - this plus awesome state-of-the-art martial arts and wire fighting - all await in Dead Or Alive !"

And, now some pictures...

I guess they're fighting on a boat. Jamie Pressley's boobs look weird though...actually, everything about her looks weird in this picture.

A pillowfight gone wrong? Or are they fighting with poultry?

Well, shit, I'm glad they included the Extreme Beach Volleyball part of the video game series.

Look, all I'm saying is that the only thing that could make this less appealing is if it was directed by Uwe Boll.

How bad is this movie going to be?
It's going to be bad.
It's going to make Snakes on a Plane look good.
I't going to be so bad it makes Showgirls look like like an ocsar nominee
It's going to be so bad you'll wish you were watching a Gigli/Glitter double feature
It's go to be so bad that it makes it becomes the shortest ever entry in Quick Reviews of Bad Movies

Friday, September 22, 2006

Many nights I've put a blade to your throat while you were sleeping

Poor Lou Diamond Philips...

From MSN:

Prosecutors charged actor Lou Diamond Phillips on Thursday with domestic battery in connection with an incident last month involving his live-in girlfriend.

Me: Maybe I should have read the article before I picked a title for this post...oops

Phillips, best known for his roles in "La Bamba" and "Stand and Deliver," could face a maximum of one year in jail and a $2,000 fine if convicted of the misdemeanor charge. His arraignment was scheduled for Oct. 18.

Me: Best know for? Fuck you. He was Chavez in Young fuckin Guns man. THAT'S what he's best known for. Jesus, you play Richie Valens once and suddenly your branded for life. This didn't happen to Kurt Russell when he played Elvis, or Dennis Quaid when he played Jerry Lee Lewis... but poor Lou is fucked.

According to police reports, the 44-year-old actor got into an argument with his girlfriend, and it escalated into a physical fight in the early hours of Aug. 11. His girlfriend, who was not identified in court documents, "was pushed and dragged across the house resulting in scrapes to both knees," City Attorney Rocky Delgadillo said in a statement.

Me: Poor lady. I guess that's what you get though when you're dating someone best known for playing a dead 50's pop star. Or maybe he's just pissed that he can't get any good roles anymore. Too many movies like The First Power.

The woman grabbed a phone, locked herself in a bathroom and dialed 9-1-1, Delgadillo said. Phillips was arrested and held for about 10 hours before being released.

Me: Ugh. I hate people who make phone calls while they're in the's just so dirty. Ick.

A message left for Phillips' publicist, Eddie Michaels, was not immediately returned. It was not immediately known whether Phillips had retained a lawyer.

Me: Or if he could afford one...

In recent years, Phillips has made a number of guest appearances on TV, including "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" and "24."

Me: Really? That's the best he can do? Guest appearances? Poor bastard. No wonder he was angry...

Monday, September 18, 2006

Quick Reviews of Bad Movies Part Deux

Over the weekend, I was over at my friend's house. We had a couple of 40s (cuz that's just how we roll...) and sat down to watch Immortal. That ended, so we left SciFi on and started watching Earth vs The Spider.

I hate to ruin the ending for you, but I think it went something like this:

Hey, I think if you turn it to 47, Futurama is on.

For the record, Amelia Heinle, totally a poor man's Denise Richards...

Friday, September 15, 2006

The Way Things Should Have Been...But Weren't

To be perfectly honest, if Lucas had made these changes, I probably would have been cool with it...

Thursday, September 07, 2006

A cinematic masterpiece.

Because, you loved the Mortal Kombat movies, but you just thought it needed more chicks...

this one's for you...